Monday, December 3, 2012

Find the Spark Inside (Old Letters)


find the spark inside and let it burn

Dear __________,

I love you. I love you. I love you. And in those three times that I say that, it doesn’t mean nearly enough as it should. And you could be one person or many people, or everyone, and maybe you’re even me. I don’t even know anymore, but all I know is that a simple 'I love you' isn’t enough anymore, for me.

And I know I love you more than I really should, but I can’t help it. I can’t stop my feelings for you when you ask me to. I can’t stop the way you look at me, and the way I know that if I were to kiss you that you’d kiss me back, and I KNOW you would, but sometimes I’m too scared to ever try.

because 'I love you' just isn’t enough anymore.

And I’m so scared that I’m going to lose you somehow, because you are such a large part of my life and who I am, and I’m not going to say the things that make you perfect, because like I said earlier, you could be anyone.

I could have put a leaf-bag pumpkin on top of your car, or I could stay late with you when you’re crying, or I could lay awake on cold nights with you laughing about obscene noises, or I could share blue bottles and moments with you, or I could share a notebook and a past with you. Or maybe that’s all of you.

Or maybe like I said before, maybe it’s me.

And why can’t that all be enough for you. All of the little memories that you and I alone share? Why can’t it be enough that I can hold your hand when I’m crying, and not have to worry about being someone I’m not, because you are the person I am most myself with.

And dammit I love you but it’s not enough.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want to fall asleep and wake up beside you for the rest of my life, and I want to be able to tell you that I still sleep with a teddy bear and you tell me that it’s adorable. I want to be able to argue with you like we’re married even though we’re not. I want to be able to tell you everything.

And i want 'i love you' to be enough and so much more.

But it’s not like that. We are not like that. You are not, and I am not, and that makes all of this that much harder, because I’m not sure where I begin when I am with you, and when I am without you, and when you hold my hand, I cry inside because maybe even that means more than me telling you that I love you, but maybe it doesn’t, and maybe nothing ever will, and maybe you’ll never believe me, but I always believe you.

God, it’s late and I’m talking to myself, or maybe it’s you, or them, or everyone, or no one. And maybe I’m just lonely because you’re not here, and I am, but maybe you are here and I am not and I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore without you.

Maybe you’re the asshole, or the bitch, or the blue, or the pain in my stomach when I’m trying to fall asleep on cold nights like this one, and even though I’m so fucking warm that I can’t fall asleep, I shiver because I miss you, and I need you, and I want you to be with me right then and right there, and I want to remember so many of those damn little memories that I think are important, and you never remember. And I love you.

But it’s not fucking enough.

I want to be with you forever. But like I said, maybe you don’t exist and maybe you’re everyone, or no one, or me. I don’t even know anymore and I’m just talking myself in circles because you do that to me. You make me want to be more. Not more than anyone else though. Not perfect. Not superman. You make me want to be more than me. And let me tell you, that burden, that little information stuck somewhere in the back of my head that refuses to come out, is a hard thing indeed. It’s hard to know that you’re not at your best. You’re not what you could be. And I’m not. I’m me, and I’m NOT superman or perfect or anything better than myself.

I am me. And you are you. (Which could be no one, or everyone, or even me.)

God, I love you.

I haven’t even figured out what it is I’m trying to type here. What metaphor or point I’m trying to get out this time, but I just figured that I’d talk or more or less type myself in circles and walk away feeling better about everything. About the fact that I love you and it’s never going to be enough. But I think I just managed to make myself feel bitter and horrible about not kissing you more, or holding you more, or being there for you more, and I hate myself for that. And you, at this point in the letter, don’t even know who you are. I’m not sure if I know who you are. I don’t think I’ll ever figure that out.

But know this. The one thing I wanted to accomplish with this one little, stupid letter. This one little stupid part of my past, and maybe even my present, and future, is that I love you.

And I will always love you. Always and forever, and even if you ever go away and leave me alone in this big huge world all by myself, I’ll still love you.

Even though it is not enough.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Nine Years (also known as a lifetime)

In 2003, the top movies were Finding Nemo, The Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl, The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, and X2.  The top songs that year were "In da Club" by 50 cent, "Unwell" by Matchbox Twenty, "Bring Me to Life" by Evanescence, and "Cry Me a River" by Justin Timberlake.  The fifth Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix had been released that summer, and The third movie, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban wouldn't be in theaters for another few months.  Notable deaths that year were Maurice Gibb (of the Bee Gees), Katharine Hepburn, Barry White, John Ritter, and Johnathan Brandis. 

And a very special little boy was born.  December 1st, at 7:40 a.m.  The first birth at Good Samaritan Hospital for the month.  My baby boy.

When I got pregnant with Aiden, I wasn't more than a child myself.  Nineteen, scared shitless, and not even sure that I ever wanted to be a parent.  I quickly fell in love with the little being growing inside of me.  I cannot imagine my life, now, without him. 

It wasn't easy.  The complications of being a single parent were multiplied, when unknown to myself, (my family, even my doctor) Aiden was born with bilateral clubfoot.  I knew nothing of the condition, but quickly did any and all research I could. 

It's been a learning process for all of us, Aiden included, who never dealt with ridicule from classmates up until last year when some of the older kids referred to him as "crooked feet."  Children are so readily accepting of others differences, it's always the adults who had the biggest problem with his braces, with his casts, with his bar brace.  Children always just wanted to know what they were, they never cared the reason behind them.  Adults, are judgy.  I was asked multiple times while in the grocery store how I managed to break both of my baby's legs.

Raising Aiden has been the toughest, yet the most rewarding experience of my life.  I am NOT a perfect mother, I am so far from it that there are days when I don't know that I even deserve that title.  However, I have a little boy who will even defend me to myself.  Who will tell me that I'm the best mom ever.  Who loves me so effortlessly, and so unconditionally that it brings tears to my eyes even typing about it.  My child is not perfect, he is so flawed, like his mother, yet everything about him is kind, caring, and compassionate.  He speaks his mind and lets his imagination flow.  There isn't someone he comes across that he can't talk to with ease.  He is loved by so many people, I don't think he even understands how much.

I know that I go on this tirade every year.  How much I've grown, how much he's grown, etc, etc.  I am aware how boring and dull it may sound to someone who doesn't have children, or even those that do.

Tonight, I climbed up onto the top bunk of his bunk bed with him while I was tucking him in.  I watched him button up his pajamas that are about a size too small, watched him arrange his stuffed animals, his pillows, his tissues and his flashlight into just the right positions.  I laid down next to him, me the big spoon, and pulled him up close to me, kissed his shaggy hair, and I thanked him. 

I thanked him for being mine.




Saturday, October 6, 2012

Yes We Can

(I love that in the photo she's using the butt of a gun to hammer in the nails. :) )

I don't think there's anyone who would ever say that they didn't know EXACTLY where I stood on an issue.  Especially because I'm more than happy to tell you what and why if anyone is ever inclined to ask.  I sometimes (more often than not) have been known to offer my opinion even when it's not asked for.  :)  Yes, I am aware that I do this.  I just, most of the time, don't care.

Another presidential election year is upon us, and as I have in the last two elections (unfortunately I was not old enough to vote when Bush was non-elected in his first term) I am going to offer you up my opinions.  What matters to me and why.  I am going to give you reasons I believe what I believe, and I'm going to let you form your own opinions on them.  Love them, hate them.  That's your choice.  However, I do so love opinions of others, so please don't be afraid to tell me what you believe, and why, as well.

I believe: in EQUAL PAY FOR EQUAL WORK.
Women deserve the same amount of compensation for their work as men.  I still find it so hard to believe that we live in a time where we send a rover into space, land it on Mars, and send video feed back, but women still earn on average 25 cents less per dollar that a man makes for the same job.  I speak from experience that a lot of times the fact that you have a penis is more important than that of your character, your experience, or even your level of education.  I think it allows men to raise higher in the work place, and to earn more money.  This is not okay.

I believe: that WOMEN ARE SMART ENOUGH TO DECIDE WHAT IS RIGHT FOR THEM AND THEIR BODIES.
This isn't just about abortion.  There is so much more to this than the right to choose whether or not to terminate a pregnancy.  Women have the right to choose whether or not they want to use hormonal contraceptives,  dye their hair, have LASIK eye surgery, have breast implants, have their tubes tied, or even, yes, have an abortion.  These things are between a woman, her partner (sometimes), and her doctor.  The government has no place in my womb.  I also believe that a woman has the right to terminate a pregnancy, regardless of the reason or circumstances behind it.  Whether she is married or single.  Whether it was rape or consensual.  This choice is one of the single most difficult decisions a woman will EVER have to make, no matter which way she chooses to go.

Women are going to have abortions.  This is a fact.  It happened before it was legalized and regulated.  If for some reason it is ever to become illegal, women will still have abortions.  Wouldn't it be better to allow a woman her choice and have it be a safe one, rather than resorting to back ally ways, and untested medications, and falls down staircases?

I believe: that CHILDREN ARE OUR FUTURE AND OUR FUTURE NEEDS HELP.

Class sizes are too big.  Teachers are paid too little.  Standardized testing is a waste of time and money and doesn't benefit the children AT ALL.  My son's 3rd grade classroom started testing the fifth day of school.  Aren't they supposed to be learning something before being sat in front of a computer to answer question after question?  Too much emphasis on test scores, not enough on learning.

I believe: that ANY TWO CONSENTING ADULTS SHOULD HAVE THE FULL RIGHTS AND PRIVILEGES AFFORDED ANY OTHER TWO CONSENTING ADULTS.
Marriage is a right.  We love who we love and there is no choice behind that.  If two men (or women) loving each other for the rest of their lives is destroying the sanctity of marriage, I wonder what me having a child out of wedlock does.  I wonder what all of the straight people who cheat on their spouses does.  I wonder what all of the divorces have done.  I wonder what Britney Spears's marriages have done.  This world needs more love, not less.  If you don't believe in gay marriage, don't get one.  This is not about God, this is about you being scared of something you don't fully understand, which is fine.  Separation of church and state.  It's not your place to judge, regardless of your religion.  Leave that to someone who is better at doing it than yourself.

I believe: that NO POLITICIAN IS PERFECT.
Sometimes these elections boil down to choosing the lesser of the two evils, the person you dislike less than the other.  Never is there a perfect answer that will fit for everyone.  Every human being will make mistakes.  We all fall down, but what creates character is by how we manage to get back up.  Holding someone up to impossible standards only means that they can do nothing except fail.

I believe: that OUR WORDS ARE FREE, BUT WITH FREEDOM COMES RESPONSIBILITY.
Yes, we can say what we want, and write what we want.  However, if we choose to do this, we also have to be prepared for any sort of repercussions that might bring.

I believe: HEALTHCARE IS A RIGHT, NOT A PRIVILEGE.
I LOVE Obamacare.  I love everything it stands for and has done to better my life, and the life of my child.  The state of Nebraska has paid in excess of ONE MILLION DOLLARS for my son's surgeries and treatments, many of which could have been covered by insurance if I was allowed to carry him on my work insurance.  Which I wasn't.  Not until this year.  Reason?  Preexisting condition.  One which he was BORN with.  How does that make any sense whatsoever?  I love that women are now able to pay for their birth control through the insurance.  I love that I no longer have to pay a co-pay for my annual preventative visits.  I pay for my insurance, and guess what it does?  It INSURES me.  What a concept!  Is it perfect? Hell no.  But it is a huge step in the right direction and a great stepping stone.

I disagree: with WAR, THE DEATH PENALTY, CENSORSHIP (except in certain circumstances, if you're interested, ask me what those are), AND DRUG TESTING FOR WELFARE BENEFITS.

I could go on and on.  The war on drugs (I believe marijuana should be legalized, and then taxed.  National debt what?!),  gun control (this is actually a huge one and deserves it's own paragraph, but I'm sure you've heard it all before), the rate of poverty in this country, children's health, etc.

Research.  Teach yourself.  Never stop learning, and never become a sheep.  Question everything.  Find your own reasons to believe what it is you believe, then stand up for them, shout them from the rooftops, and VOTE!

Monday, September 24, 2012

you're my only truth...

I have to admit something, openly and honestly, right here, right now.  I haven't been writing openly here for fear of who may (or may not) be reading.  I have censored myself in a way I never intended, nor wanted.

As luck will have it, I have been keeping a sort of random thoughts journal on my iPod that I enter in little tidbits when they come to mind.  I write down a lot of my fears, frustrations, and sadness.  Writing has always been a way for me to try to figure things out in my own head and heart.  So I haven't stopped doing it, I've just stopped posting it.  Things I have written in the distant and not so distant past have had a way of getting me in trouble, which is why I did the whole secret blog for so long.

Alas, I have decided to share some of my musings with you.  They are probably mushy enough to make you want to puke, but I don't really care.  It's hard for me to write when I'm happy, but I've been trying my damnedest. 

----

He helped me go car shopping.  He gives the best hugs in the world.  He grew a mustache for me for my birthday, just because.  He then went out in public with that mustache.  He also conveniently made his exit from my birthday party shortly before my then boyfriend showed up.  I knew it broke his heart that I was with someone else.  But he was still there for me, even though it wasn't convenient for him or his heart.  He invites me to his ball games and his band gigs.  He kisses my forehead and my hand.  He pulls me onto his lap and compliments me.  He is on my mind when I wake up in the morning, and again when I go to sleep at night.  He is one of my best friends and I don't think it could be any more perfect.

----

J says: you've always smelled like Sadie, since the day I met you.  As he pushes my unruly hair off of my face and kisses me.

----

I wake up each morning loving you more.  Curling into the back of your knees and neck.  Tracing my eyelashes along your hairline.  Kissing you softly and deeply, and willing myself to stay, just a few minutes longer, among your body heat and breath.  I love you i love you i love you I whisper in my head, I say quietly against your ear.  Heart thudding and melting in the perfection of your smile.  I want to crawl into the space of your chest where you hold onto me for safe keeping.  Where your smiles originate.  Always bright.

----

He is mine and I am his.  "you're my only truth"  I wrote on the back of the senior picture I gave to him.  Eleven years ago.  Back before he loved me.  Back before I could tell him I loved him.  This is my real life true fairy tale.  I didn't lose my shoe, I didn't lower my hair, I didn't sacrifice myself, or escape my evil stepmother.  I was me.  Through and through, and for some reason he is able to love me anyway.

----

I had a dream, the first in a while.  It left me shaken and questioning everything.  Until I opened my eyes and he was sleeping next to me, lightly snoring, his hand on my hip, and I realized that even though letting go can be a slow process, it's one I really want to make with this man who is asleep next to me.

----

J talking about Aiden: I would never let anything happen to that little boy.

----

We sat on the couch sharing the multicolor (gay pride) Mentos.   I proclaimed that I had gotten one that tasted like carpet.  He replied with, "ME TOO!  It was like carpet-grape."  Someone who not only understands, but comprehends and full-on participates in your strange sense of humor... priceless.



Wednesday, September 5, 2012

I wanna be with you until the sun falls from the sky...

This last weekend my family, many of my friends and acquaintances all celebrated the marriage of my sister to her long-term boyfriend.  It's not strange that my sister is married.  I sort of knew all along that she would be the first of us to tie the knot.  She always was a serial monogamist.  It's not strange that Aiden now has a real and official Uncle.  It's not strange that my sister's last name is not the same as mine any longer, though since I have changed it in my phone, I do a double take every time she calls or texts me.

It's strange to say "brother-in-law".  It makes me feel old.

One of the best days of my life, hands down.  My biggest worry was that I wasn't going to fit into my dress, and miraculously, I did.

I will be the first to admit that I've gained some weight this summer.  My grandmother's death, my long-time-coming breakup with D, and now my limitless happiness with J.  Being happy makes me fat.  I have said that before.

So I need to kick this into gear.  I need to start eating better, drinking less alcohol, exercising more, lifting weights again.  I have 30 more pounds until my next big goal.

Encouragement is needed, and wanted.  I need someone to kick my ass into gear!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

To be Adored.

I have been cared for.

I have been admired, and liked, and appreciated.

I truly believe that it has been years since I have been adored.  I'm talking, back in high school.  YEARS.

I have fallen into people's arms, given all of myself, and then have them walk away.  Without provocation, and suddenly I wasn't enough anymore.  I try to find things to blame, and it always comes back to me, what I did wrong.  I didn't give enough, I gave too much...  In the end, the only thing it left me with was hating myself.  Enough guilt.

I am now adored.

I have someone who cares enough about me to ask my opinion, to give equally (if not more) than what I've been able to give to him.  He wants to spend time with me, he wants to hold me, he wants to sleep next to me.  He tells his friends and family he's proud of me.  He kisses me in public, and introduces me to his friends. 

For the first time, I am really understanding what it means that actions speak louder than words.

He makes me feel beautiful, like I'm the only woman in his vision.  I don't worry that he's talking to other women.  He's open, he's honest, he tells me about his day.  His good and his bad.  He drinks my milkshakes and takes my love, even with all of its flaws. 

He is beautiful, non-judgmental, and would do anything for his friends or family.  He makes me proud of HIM.  I have always been his number one fan.  Always.

Being a band member's girlfriend is a whole new world for me to become accustomed to.  But it's a great world.  New people I wouldn't have normally run across in my day to day life, new friends of the other girlfriends, being able to see him do the thing he loves the most in front of people.  How he lights up.  I love being able to support that, in any way possible.  Because I know that if I have something similar, he would be there too.

Hi.  I'm Sadie.  And I finally GET it.

<3

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

August goals 2012

- lose 5 lbs

- go to the gym 15 times.

- continue to build on my running.

- start and finish a new book of my own.

- start and finish a new book with Aiden.

- continue to eat cleaner.

- work on weights and resistance training.

- SORT THROUGH CLOTHES!

- make and keep a phone date with Clare. :)

- write.

- welcome more love into my world.

- lotion.  it is important.

- write the letter I've been meaning to write.  put it in the sink.  burn it.

- make it through my sister's bachelorette party without anyone puking or passing out, especially me.

- cook one new thing a week.

- take photos.  post photos.  show my life through photos.

- breathe in the last little bit of summer, enjoy it, savor it, then let.it.go.



Tuesday, July 31, 2012

July Goals 2012 : Review

- lose 5 pounds.
Nope.

- go to the gym 15 times.

Nope.  10.

- run, on average, three days a week.

Nope. I ran a lot the first half of the month until I pulled a calf muscle, and then re-pulled it in the 5k.  I just started back yesterday.

- have my first sizing of the maid-of-honor dress for my sister's wedding.

Nope.  Planning on going tomorrow over my lunch break.

- find shoes for the dress for my sister's wedding.

WIN!  I've decided to wear my black dressy sandals. 

- read.  more.

I'll call this a win.  I managed to start and finish one book. 

- write.  more.

I have been.  No one will ever see it, though.

- photograph.  more.

WIN!  Lots and lots.  I want to do more.

- maintain semi-clean apartment, stay on top of dishes, and laundry.

WIN!  Atleast better than the past.  I really need to get rid of a bunch of shit.

- go through clothes.  keep, donate, toss.

Nope.

- go see a movie at the theater.

WIN!  Aiden and I saw two.  Spiderman (which was actually really good, even though I really loved Tobey Maguire), and The Dark Knight Rises.

- kiss.  more.

*blushes*  oh yes I did!

- spend more evenings outside, pack sandwiches and spend them in the sun at the park, or at the pool, or in the back yard of a friend.

We spent an average of two nights a week at the pool at T's apartment this last month.

- improve my 5k run time for The Color Run (#2!) on the 14th.

Nope.  However, with a recently pulled calf muscle, and re-pulling it about 50 feet from the finish, I finished only 2 minutes slower.

- cook.  more.

WIN!  It hasn't been anything new or interesting, but it has been cooking :)

- regain my footing. 

I have some things that I need to say to some people.  These things, however, shouldn't be said.  Not everyone is able to handle the complete and absolute truth from someone.  In order for me to move forward, I am letting go of my anger, my hurt, my sorrow, and even a little bit of my broken heart.  I am throwing more love at the people in my life who can take it, and dish it back.  I AM happy.  I AM moving forward, and I AM so excited to see what this next month brings. 

Sunday, July 29, 2012

The Good (because the bad is just too draining.)

I get so tired of thinking and talking about all of the bad there is in the world.  In my world.  I want to take a time out before the rest of this month is over, and instead of punishing myself for all the things I've done wrong, all of the bad, all of the heartache, I want to talk about the things I'm doing well, the things that make me happy.  All of the good.

- I am now in an officially committed relationship with a man who I have cared about, in one way or another, for nearly half of my life.  He introduces me to his friends, his family, and general acquaintances as "my girlfriend."  He kisses me in public without embarrassment or hesitation.  He kisses my forehead, my hand, my cheek, my eyelids, my shoulders.  He is tall, and I fit so very nicely into the crook of his arm over my shoulder, into the bend of his knees behind me in bed, up against his chest while laying on the couch watching movies.  He gets along with my friends and welcomes spending time with them, inviting them along with us back to his house, buying them shots, eating pizza with us and putting up with our obnoxious humor.  He makes me laugh, about nothing, about everything.  He makes me comfortable in my own skin.  I miss him when he's not around, but I'm not worried that the next text from him will be the last.  This is good.

- Money is so very tight right now, but through that I've been able to find a lot of ways to spend our time without having to spend much if any money.  We watch a lot of Netflix movies.  We spend evenings over at the softball fields, or at the pool at T's apartment complex, or at the splash park on the south end of town.  I have found several free movie coupons, and we've gone to see both Spiderman, and The Dark Knight Rises completely free.  We color.  We go for walks.  We read.  This is good.

- T and her boyfriend broke up earlier this month, and although this is a sad thing, it's also a good thing, for all parties involved.  I have my best friend back.  I know how selfish that sounds, but even though she lives less than a mile away, she and I didn't see much of each other when they were together.  Now, through me trying to keep her company because break ups suck, and her being able to pretty much do what she wants and not have to answer to anyone, we've been able to see each other often.  We swim, lay in the sun, watch softball games, and even go out to the bar.  This is good.

-  I am moving on from him.  Certain days are better than others, certain days blindside me.  Then today, he de-friended me on facebook, and it completely broke my heart all over again.  We had left things on good terms, and after all of the time and effort and love I had poured into everything I could with him, his children, and our relationship, and he doesn't even want to be my friend anymore.  He hurt me, I will never deny that.  I will forever be able to take the blame for that, however, because he had done it before.  I don't think ill of him, and I just want him to be able to find happiness not only outside of himself, but inside of himself.  There is so much good there, even if he can't see it right now.  I want him to get angry with me, yell at me, give me a reason to not want him in my life.  I have a feeling that this is a book that will never really be closed, it'll just remain open, waiting for the last chapter to be written, the last reasons given, the final goodbye.  I don't think I'll ever truly get the closure I need with this one.  When someone can't love you, all you can do is wonder "why?"  But this, too, is good.

- My calf is healing up well.  There are still mornings when it twinges a bit when I get out of bed, or if I move a certain way.  It's been over two weeks since I've ran, I'm going to give it a shot tomorrow, not push myself too hard or too fast, but I need to get my running shoes back on.  My stomach has started to pouch in a way I don't like.  Not to mention when I run, I feel better.  I am better.  And that is good.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

You Twist to Fit the Mold That I am In

It's the middle of July.  Summer is more than half way over, and I feel as though I haven't done enough with it.  I feel like I've worked a lot, I've been out of town a lot, but still that I really haven't accomplished anything.

I have managed to learn quite a few things, some things I have known for a long time and I simply needed reminded of them, some of them are new.

I have some of the best friends that anyone could ever hope of having.  I have the type of friends who complete me on every single level imaginable.  They make me laugh, they hold me when I cry, they offer to tire-iron the kneecaps of anyone who hurts me.  They understand me.  We have hour long conversations based around the most obscene and ridiculous things.  We rub each other's feet, and cuddle in bed and plan bad movie nights.  All my life I've been searching for my soul mates, and I have them, right here, right in front of me.

Speaking of what is right in front of me... A tried and tested true friendship that has withstood nearly everything a person could throw at it.  Lies, and heartbreak, and distance.  School, and a child, and drug abuse.  Three plus years of little to no communication, and gradually, over the last three years, regaining all of that.

He has been there for me, unconditionally, through my last three (the third being a repeat of the second) breakups.  He has cried with me, gotten drunk with me, held my hair back and rubbed my back when I was puking from getting drunk.  He has babysat Aiden when I needed a night away.  He has seen me in every way possible.  Thirteen years is a long time to know someone, to care about someone, to not see what has been in front of you for so long.

It's almost shocking when my best friend tells me, "you know, he'd probably give you the moon, right?  It's the way he looks at you, it's always kind of been there, but lately it seems like more..." and it's something I hadn't seen, or hadn't really been looking for.  I can't explain how nice it is to spend time with someone and not constantly wonder what he's thinking or feeling, because I already know.  There are no awkward "getting to know you" conversations.  This is the boy that nearly broke my nose on his trampoline, who would talk to me on the phone when I was grounded and couldn't leave my house, who knew better than to say anything as I sat on my couch playing the Wii with tears streaming down my face.

Timing.  Is.  Everything.

I have also started to realize that my grief is infinite.   In D's and my last conversation while I was gathering my things into plastic bags, crying, trying to get myself heard, he told me that he cares about me.  The biggest lie of all time is, "I want to be your friend."  And after attempts at me being just that, (wishing him a happy father's day, wishing his oldest a happy birthday) and he hasn't spoken to me in a month and a half.  It breaks my heart and puts me in my place, but makes me realize what I knew 7 months ago before all of this started back up, before I fell even more deeply in love with him and his children, "I'm just a notch in your bedpost, but you're just a line in a song."  It's a hard lesson to have to learn twice.

The biggest thing on my mind now, and one of the things I wrote down shortly after the breakup in my random thoughts journal, was that it makes me sad that I have no one to watch or get excited about watching Breaking Bad with me.  The final season premieres tonight.  It was our show.  He got me into it.  I can still hear his laugh and see his face when we would talk in depth about it, when we would lose ourselves in the storyline and the absurdity of it all.  I miss that.  One of the many things.  But it still doesn't outnumber all of the many things that I do NOT miss.

I have ran two 5k's in the last month.  I have started taking more photographs and spending more time with the people who are able to love me back.  I am discovering things about someone who I had long let go of any hope of anything other than a strong friendship.  I am realizing now, more than ever, just how close to complete I can be.

I am happy.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

I Will Miss You


I found this a few weeks ago, and it hit me so hard that I had to excuse myself from my desk at work and go have a moment to myself in the bathroom.  I wanted to put it here so that I can reference it when needed.  And I wanted to share it, because it really is beautiful.

 I have so many things I want to say, that I need to say, but I'm not ready to do all of that just yet. 
"Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?" 

I Will Miss You
Jun. 20, 2012
I will miss you fleetingly, for a second every now and then, in a moment of weakness or fragility. I will think about how good it felt, like an evanescent, elusive dream. Until I recall that was exactly why it collapsed. It never endures.

I will miss you achingly, until every little nerve inside of me sets itself on fire and wants to break apart and escape from the confines of this body to find you, because honestly, you were the glue. I will tremble and shake and realize with pain, with tears in my eyes. I will let it go. I will realize that it has turned into a torrential downpour, and like a dam bursting, I will not be able to control it. I will feel the barely-repaired pieces of my heart break again.

I will miss you with a strange sense of detachment. It will be at times when I am doing nothing, and suddenly you will make your presence felt throughout me. Maybe it will be that I still haven’t wrapped my head around your absence. I will know that it was for the best, but I will still wonder as to how my life would have been if things had been different.

I will miss you with bitterness, with darkness and anger I did not know I possessed. I will think of you in my darkest hour and will curse you for everything that is currently going wrong in my life and everything that will go wrong. I will imagine a life where you and I never collide and everything remains picture perfect. I will hate you for tainting the memories of a time never coming back.

I will miss you with a song on my heart. Reminiscing about our moments, so light and happy, I will find them full of an easy gaiety I found with no one else. I will know that we have limited time together so I’ll do my best to make the most of it. I will, at the same time, be afraid to give my all to you. You will leave soon enough, so I hope you will not hold it against me.

I will miss you even though you’re gonna be back. Those little habits of yours which annoy me to no end will be the things I miss the most. I will wait eagerly for your return. It will be filled with sweet anticipation.
I will miss you because you were once a part of my life, because you’re not here anymore and because it hurts.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

July goals 2012

- lose 5 pounds.

- go to the gym 15 times.

- run, on average, three days a week.

- have my first sizing of the maid-of-honor dress for my sister's wedding.

- find shoes for the dress for my sister's wedding.

- read.  more.

- write.  more.

- photograph.  more.

- maintain semi-clean apartment, stay on top of dishes, and laundry.

- go through clothes.  keep, donate, toss.

- go see a movie at the theater.

- kiss.  more.

- spend more evenings outside, pack sandwiches and spend them in the sun at the park, or at the pool, or in the back yard of a friend.

- improve my 5k run time for The Color Run (#2!) on the 14th.

- cook.  more.

- regain my footing.



June goals 2012 : Review


 Trying to be more optimistic for this next month.  June pretty much sucked the life out of me.

- lose 4 pounds.  (one pound a week.  it's coming off so much slower now...) 
Fail. Didn't lose any. Ate like crap pretty much all month long.

- go to the gym 15 times.
 Fail. I made it nine times. I did go walk quite frequently, as well and running outside.

- run AT LEAST twice a week.
Win! Going to up it to three times a week in prep for the next run in two weeks.

- have a blast at my first official 5k at the end of the month.
Win! Some of the most fun I've had in a long time. Entry with photos will be posted soonish.

- read more often.
I finished Almost Moon, and I'm giving The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo a second try.

- get outside and ENJOY the sunshine (tan, yes please!)
Win! Yanney splash park a few times, lots of trail running. BBQ with friends and family.  I need to get back on my bike.

- practice yelling less.
I've been running on the bare necessities to make it through the days, yelling either comes out of frustration, or I don't say anything at all.

- take more photographs.
I took a bunch of three little boys at the beginning of the month, little did I know that would be the last ones we took together. Took a bunch at the Color Run.

- write more, even if no one but me sees it.
Yes. I've been keeping a random thoughts journal.

- keep in better contact with a handful of my favorite people.
I'm trying. Being a busy grown up sucks.

- smile more, think less.
Fail. Full out.

- apologize to no one for being exactly who I am.
Not only that, but demanding what I deserve even if that means I have to let go of the person I care very deeply for because all he has to offer me isn't good enough and because I deserve better than scraps he's managed to salvage of himself.

- remember to love ME.
It gets easier. Day by day.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Fiction is the Only Way You're Dealing

There was a diaper sitting on the top of my over-the-toilet shelf.  I saw it every single time I walked into the bathroom.  I finally threw it away, because he'll never be back here to wear it again.

There is a transformer in the glove box of my car that I discovered when I was changing out my insurance card.  I shut it quickly and will forget about it for the next six months, because he'll never ride in my car and play with it again.

While folding my socks yesterday afternoon, I came across a tiny sock.  Not mine, not Aiden's.  Out of frustration I threw it behind the couch, where it is still laying.  It has no mate, not where I live.  I will probably pick it up and throw it away the next time I vacuum.

Little pieces of them are still clinging to the little pieces left of me.  I find them in random places, cozy corners, in the songs I hear on the radio or the photos that I unexpectedly come across in my phone or iPod.  I hear about movies, and they come to mind.

Not just one, not just the other, but ALL of them. 

My heart doesn't just have one hole in it, but three.

I read and I write, and I sit alone in my room some nights and cry.  I disappear, and it still doesn't feel like enough.

I am okay, until suddenly I am not.

I am chasing down all that is good in my life.  I am surrounding myself with people who not only love me back, but don't invalidate the way I feel at any given moment.  That give as much as they get, if not more.  I have endless amounts of cuddles and forehead kisses, and people willing to sit with me so I don't have to do it alone.  

I know I'm not the broken one.  I know that I did everything I could and everything within my power to make this man love me, and it still wasn't enough.  But even though I'm not broken, and even though I'm able to force myself into moving on, into looking back fondly, because so much of it was good, and so little of it was bad; I am still the one with three gaping holes in my heart. 

It's always been so much easier for him to let go of me.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Maybe Happiness is Worth the Chance of a Bitter End

So many of us get stuck in ruts.  We do the same things over and over again, even when nothing changes.  We eat the same foods, take the same routes, love the same people.  We survive.  Sometimes, that's all we can do to get through the day is to hold onto those routines, those ruts, one foot in front of the other.  Then there are times when our ruts drag us down, beat the crap out of us, and leave us.

Mistakes are meant to be learned from, not repeated.

Fuck.

Shame on me.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

You know it is officially summer when...

I still can't get over the fact that it's JUNE.  The weather is warm, downright hot most of this week, which is something I LOVE unless I have to be outside doing something super important and have to appear attractive while doing it.  Otherwise, I love the hot.  I love to sweat, and sweat some more.

Even the heat isn't what signals it is summer, to me.  Aiden has been out of school for almost three weeks now, and even that doesn't make it feel like summer.  I still get up early in the morning, take him to daycare instead of to school, and I go to work.  I get to go outside once during the day in my walk to the Cancer Center to do my stocking and ordering there, but otherwise I am inside, until I clock out, roll down my car windows, and speed out of the parking lot.

Summer started today.

Today, after I had finished work, put a full hour in at the gym, went to the track and ran for half an hour, I stopped by Little Caesar's Pizza, picked up a cheese and a beef pizza and a couple of orders of bread sticks, picked Aiden up from the YMCA, and we drove down to the splash park. There, we met two of my best friends with their children, and we ate the pizza, the fresh fruit, we drank the water, and the boys ran around like crazy people.

Summer started today, because for the first time, my best friends and I had a chance to lay out in the sun and catch up.  We got to sit in the grass, gangly arms and legs and the breasts of mothers, and we smiled, and laughed and shared our lives.

These women mean the world to me, they have been there for me, saved me from myself more times than I can count, and because of that, they are my family.  The family that I CHOOSE.

We talked about boyfriends, past and present, plans for the coming weekend, what it is like to be single mothers to little boys.

Summer started today as our skin soaked up the vitamin D, the boys ran off to view Venus through a special telescope a group had set up (because Venus is passing between the earth and the sun for the first and only time in our lifetime.)  We made plans to do it again.

Summer started today as I drove home with sun-kissed skin, tired beyond all belief, and incredibly happy.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

June Goals 2012

I didn't set any goals for May, as I felt I was too busy to concentrate on anything other than the millions of things going on around me.  I did, however, manage to accomplish quite a lot.  I went to the gym 14 times, I lost 4 pounds, I ran twice a week (at least.)  So I'm feeling pretty damn powerful walking into June.

- lose 4 pounds.  (one pound a week.  it's coming off so much slower now...)

- go to the gym 15 times.

- run AT LEAST twice a week.

- have a blast at my first official 5k at the end of the month.

- read more often.

- get outside and ENJOY the sunshine (tan, yes please!)

- practice yelling less.  I really started paying attention this weekend to my voice level, and it's made a world of difference so far.

- take more photographs.

- write more, even if no one but me sees it.

- keep in better contact with a handful of my favorite people.

- smile more, think less.

- apologize to no one for being exactly who I am.

- remember to love ME.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Ode to My Shrinking Bustline

I didn't set any goals for this month.  One, because I was too lazy.  Two, because I knew this month would be a whirlwind of trying to get things ironed out for the last few weeks of school, D opening his new restaurant, and me trying to focus more on health than weight.  That being said, I have to say that the month is off to a not too shabby beginning.

Now, the purpose of my writing tonight.  I am going to talk about my boobs.  Please forgive me.

When I began to lose weight, I noticed subtle changes in my body.  My calves, which I once believed to be muscular, started to actually show definition and slim down.  My stomach started to shrink.  Areas of my body I had expected to shrink, did.  I had actually expected to start losing in my bust area first.  I didn't.  For two and a half years, I noticed the weight coming off in the normal areas, tummy, thighs, arms.  I noticed it coming off in the not so common areas, feet, wrists, fingers, face, neck.  But I never once changed a bra size.

Then January 2012 rolled around, and I dropped 12+ pounds that month.  I am positive that it all came from my boobs.

Over the last 5 months, they have continued to shrink. Now, I don't have any delusions that one of these days I'll magically not have to wear a bra anymore, but when I wear a sports bra (which I do the majority of the time) they all but disappear.

Shirts I would normally fill out, too big.  Bras that I used to SPILL out of, that I couldn't wear to work because if I bent over my boob would fall out of, too big.

The good: I still have to strap them down when I run to keep them from bouncing, but I don't have to wear double bras and ace bandage.  I get by with a tight sports bra and under armour tank-top.  My back doesn't hurt much anymore, ever.  I bought a couple of tube tops, and I can actually wear them with my strapless bra that doesn't try to fall down constantly.

The bad: I HAVE NO BOOBS!

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

April Goals 2012 : Review


- go to the gym 15 times.
WIN!  Went a total of 16, and would have made it more but had several appointments in the last couple of weeks that ate into gym time.

- lose 5 lbs.
Lost three.

- start and finish a new book.
Finished "The Tenth Circle" and started "The Almost Moon".

- go on two (at least) long bike rides.
This one is a monumental FAIL.  I didn't ride at all.

- buy a bike rack for my car :)
Almost.  The one I had my eye on ended up not fitting the bars on my car.  Still in the process.

- SORT THROUGH CLOTHES.  keep, donate, sell, or give away!
I threw out a bunch that were tattered and torn.  I suck at this whole sorting thing.

- possibly start looking for a new apartment. 
Have been keeping my eye out for anything that pops up, so far, nothing.

- sort through Aiden's toys, change out his spring/summer clothes, put away the heavy winter clothes.
WIN!  Haven't made the complete change from winter to summer clothes just yet, but have brought out the shorts.

- make one new meal a week.
WIN!  White chicken enchiladas, honey sesame chicken, pudding cookies, breakfast pizza, and black bean/pineapple tacos.

- have a kick-ass birthday party.
WIN!  oh yes, yes I did!

- go down to the tattoo parlor and talk to them about drawing up and pricing my next tattoo.
FAIL.  No money, no time.  I would have to do it during my workout time, and I hate giving up my workout time.

- don't get hung up in the small things, look at the big picture.
I'd call this one a win.

- smile more.
I have had a couple of REALLY silly days in the last month.  Days like these are the ones I live for.

- take new body measurements.
WIN!  I don't want to talk about it though.

- run my first 5k.
WIN!  I have ran two on my own, once on D's treadmill, and once at the track by my house.  Aiden and I ran/walked a 5k this last weekend for the community PATH 5k.  I also signed up for another Color Run that will be in Omaha in July.

- tell the important people in my life just how much they mean to me.
I try to, more and more every day.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

29 minus 1

Tomorrow I will wake up another year older. 

Every year I say it, and every year I mean it, but this last year has been the most educational of my life.  I have learned more about myself than I ever thought possible.  I have pushed myself in ways I didn't know existed.  I found a way to love myself, even if it's just a little bit.

So, in honor of my last night falling asleep as a 28 year old, here is MY list of number 1's.  In no particular order.

  • Johnny Depp
  • Hanson
  • Forrest Gump or Benny and Joon
  • Adele
  • Blue
  • John Lennon
  • JK Rowling
  • I Know This Much is True
  • Jacob
  • Treasure Island, FL
  • Boxers
  • Cats
  • Pizza
  • Early morning sweet text messages
  • Waking up in his arms
  • Edemame
  • Friday

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

29 minus 2

I realize that I didn't get around to #3 yesterday, but I think I can live with missing one day in ten.  Forgive me.

Coming up with random information about myself has proven harder than I thought.  I'm trying not to talk about things that I talk about often, like my weight loss, or Aiden being born with bilateral clubfoot.  So I figured today was a good day for some bullet points.

  • I count stairs as I walk them, either up or down.
  • I have the bad habit of filling silences with "so...." (I've realized that both my mother and sister do this as well, so I'm going to chalk that up to a genetic thing.)
  • I can talk a big talk, but I'm inwardly very shy when it comes to sex.  
  • I've been told that I'm extremely feminine, even though I can rough and tumble with the best of the boys.  I never would consider myself "feminine" though.
  • I wear contacts, and I have since my 14th birthday.
  • With the weight I've lost, there are things that have shrunk that I never expected to, such as my hands and my feet.  My wrists, my chest.  It still amazes me when I look at my calves and realize that these muscular legs that I didn't think were big to begin with have actually shrunk and toned.
  • I over think and over analyze nearly EVERYTHING.  This is one of my greatest faults, and something I've been working very hard on overcoming.  I have to remember that my reality isn't necessarily someone elses.
  •  My favorite thing to do when I have downtime is to nap.
  • I am a fierce Democrat.
  • I love when a man has two or three days worth of stubble on his face.
  • Very rarely am I not chewing gum, or have a mint in my mouth.
  • I would get a half sleeve tattoo if I had sexy enough arms.
  • I have no ass.
  • I love bread and butter pickles, hot tamales, reece's peanut butter cups, cheese, Thai food, and pretty much any kind of Mexican food.
  • In the summer, one of my favorite things to do is to lay out in the sun for hours.
  • ham and pineapple pizza is the shit.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

29 minus 4


It's incredibly hard for me to write (fiction, or non-fiction) when things in my life are going well.  Rob Thomas was quoted once as saying something along the lines of "when you're depressed, you write.  When you're happy, you live."  Which sums it up pretty nicely.

There are a lot less things to say when things are good, and I'm not sure if that's because of my fear of jinxing things, or if I'm simply more boring when I'm happy than when I'm not.

And truthfully, I am incredibly boring.  I surf the internet, I watch television, I cook, I try to clean, I work, I go to the gym, and I sleep.  Of course there's all sorts of living that's going on in between.  I cuddle with my boyfriend, play outside with the three cutest little boys, spend a couple of hours a week driving, and laughing.

That's probably one of the best things about living, is all the laughing I do.  Most of the time, it's D doing something (whether it's on purpose, or most of the time, it's him being the fabulous unknowingly funny guy.) or saying something.  I love to laugh.

So I apologize if the last few days haven't been the most exciting of reads, I've been busy living ;)

Saturday, April 21, 2012

29 minus 5

When I was 15 years old, I started to collect blue bottles.  This came about from one of my friends that I had connected with online.  She lived in New Hampshire, and we connected through heartache and writing.

I called her my blue bottled angel, and I bought a matching blue vase set, mailed one to her, and kept the other for myself.  We both wore Ralph Lauren Romance perfume.  We had both loved and lost and lost a little more.  We were connected through losing friends to suicide, to boyfriends who cheated on us.  We wrote about it, and attempted to share it with the rest of the world.

She was one of my best friends, someone I could always count on to be only a phone call away.

We're still in contact, though we don't talk nearly as much anymore, our lives have gone in completely different directions, and through that I realize how little we had in common to begin with, but how such small things were able to connect us.  Like a blue bottle.

I still have mine.  I have added to the collection over the years, and I display them proudly.  Several of my friends and lovers over the years have contributed to the collection.  I don't collect much of anything, but I have a feeling that I will hold onto those blue bottles for a long time.

Friday, April 20, 2012

29 minus 6

I was in Girl Scouts for 12 years. 

My last year was my sophomore year in high school, when I made the choice to concentrate more on band and my social life than spending all of my spare time with a bunch of other girls.  I mean, what fun is that?

My mother was my troop leader when I was a Daisy, and part of the time when I was a Brownie.  When I became a Junior was when a lot of my friends in the troop thinned out, and I was forced to associate with people I normally wouldn't have.  By the time I reached Senior status, pretty much the only reason I stayed involved was for the camping trips.

I loved Girl Scout camping.  We had a fall camping trip where we would dig holes in the ground to go to the bathroom, spend out afternoons hiking and chasing down firewood and finding random trees and flowers.  Our winter camping was in the Girl Scout lodge in Grand Island, if it was nice enough we could go out on the property and do the tree mazes, and the zip lines.  But most of the time the winter trips involved melting snow for water, and freezing the leader's bra while they slept.

I loved cooking on a campfire, and washing our dishes in water that was warmed over a flame.  I loved the homemade doughnuts, and the chicken on a haystack that was a staple of every camping trip.  I loved singing around the fire at night, telling ghost stories in the tents, putting on three layers of clothes and climbing in my sleeping bag, pulling the sleeping bag over my head so I didn't freeze.  Playing flashlight tag, taking nighttime hikes, scaring the crap out of each other.

I don't regret a single minute that I spent around these wonderful women.  I had wonderful mentors, these wonderful older women who taught me how to be strong, and determined, and brought out my sense of humor.  I made friends, and though there were some girls I didn't get along with, I can honestly say that I didn't make any enemies.

Leaving the girl scouts in my sophomore year was the right decision for me, at the time.  Looking back on it now, I wish I had stuck it out and went all the way.  Earned my silver and my gold torches.



Thursday, April 19, 2012

29 minus 7

I was not popular in high school.

I also want to say that I wasn't UN-popular either.  I had a lot of friends, they were just the rough outcasts like myself.  I was in band.  I loved being in band.  I was made fun of for being in band.  I loved Hanson.  I was made fun of for liking Hanson.  I drove a silver Dodge Aries.  I was made fun of for driving a silver Dodge Aries.

My friends were divided into band friends, and non-band friends.  I had acquaintances who I had random classes with, who I got along with, but who I would never dream of hanging out with on a Saturday night.  I tried melding my band and non-band worlds and it never worked out too well.  There was resentment and hurt feelings.  I felt like the third wheel a lot.

I had two boyfriends in high school.  One was the beginning of my freshman year, the other was the end of my senior year.  I'm not sure what happened in the other years, but I do know there was a lot of kissing going on, but nothing official in the ways of a relationship.  Most of the time I just wanted to hang out with my friends, cruise main, eat at perkins, smoke cigarettes, drink beer or vodka.

Nichole and I would sleep out on her trampoline, her mom making us cinnamon rolls in the morning.  Steph and I would sneak out of my house late at night and not come home until the sun was coming up.  Sarah and I would meet boys at school playgrounds.  Maryann and I would drive out of town to meet up with boys we met the previous weekend.

My hair was burgundy, I was probably a good 10 or 15 lbs underweight but still saw myself as a cow.  I was desperately unhappy and I knew very little even though I thought I knew it all.

It's hard for me, as one of the out crowd, to socialize with some of the people who I always thought they thought they were better than me in high school.  The cheerleaders, the jocks.  All of the people whose parents could buy them the most expensive clothes and shoes, who bought them nice cars and who didn't have to spend their afternoons and evenings waiting tables in order to buy gas for their cars.

I realize now that all of that was an illusion.  Popularity in high school doesn't mean jack in the real world.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

29 minus 8

I love to read.

There isn't a point in my life where I remember not loving to read.

I was the girl who carried around a book that wasn't assigned for class, and would bury my nose in it every free chance I had.  Before classes started, after getting a homework assignment done, after finishing a test.  I would bring a book to work with me and sit in the breakroom for 15 minutes smoking cigarettes and losing myself in a whole other world.

I've tried my hand at writing.  I've written poetry and random prose.  I've written really terrible fan-fiction.  I've tried to write a memoir, and a children's book.  None of these have ever really panned out.  I would like to write a combination of all of these and put them into a book, and a title it Love, Blue.  I would fill up notebooks with my purple colored ink.  I still have most of them locked in shoe boxes in my closet.

I am good with the real stuff.  I am really good at writing about what I've experienced, what I've felt, what I am able to touch and smell and feel and be.  It's the fiction I struggle with.  However, this is what I enjoy reading the most.  The stories that are not mine.

Favorite book: I Know This Much is True by Wally Lamb.
Favorite Poet: Saul Williams

I collect books like some women collect shoes.  I firmly believe that you can never have too many bookshelves.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

29 minus 9

Being a mother has never been a natural thing to me.  At the time when I got pregnant, I wasn't even sure if I wanted children.  I have a lot of common sense, and I'm relatively intelligent.  But a good mother?  That's never something I would describe myself as.  I'm not saying all of this in order to get a chorus of "NO!!  YOU ARE!", because that's honestly not my intent. 

My child is fed, he's clothed, he's relatively clean the majority of the time.  He's thriving.  He's loved, tremendously.  But, I yell too much, I let him do what he wants too often.  He eats too much sugar and watches too much television.  I don't make him eat organic, and I let him drink soda every once in a while.  I am NOT a perfect mother, and you will NEVER hear me claim to be.

I don't lock my son in a dog kennel (though the thought of doing that occasionally seems appealing...)  I don't hit him with a belt.  I don't leave him alone.  I am not a terrible mother. (most of the time...)

But what this diatribe is about, is for me to pat myself on my back for my successes as a mother.  The things I'm proud of myself for, the things I know in my heart that I did right.  Things that I know my son is better for, especially since he's stuck with me as his mother (poor kid.)

I breast fed him exclusively for six months.  I continued to nurse until he was just over 18 months old and he self weaned.  The weaning process was harder on me than it was on him.  I also remember the way it felt the last time he nursed, and how I knew it would be the last time.

I developed a bedtime routine very early on in his life.  We didn't perfect it until the last year or so, but I will still maintain that he is and always has been the easiest child in the world to put to bed.  Unless he's sick, he's very rarely up and down throughout the night.

My bed is ALWAYS open, and he knows this.  Whether it's a bad dream, a thunderstorm, or just because, he knows that he is free to come crawl into bed with me.  We co-slept until he stopped nursing, so we've shared a bed often.  His night time trips to my room have become few and far between, but there are mornings that I wake up with feet in my back, or breath on my face, not knowing that he had even crept into my room in the middle of the night.

I have instilled in him the acceptance of those around us, regardless of their differences.  People have different skin tones.  Aiden's greatest accomplishment is getting as dark in the summer as my friend Ed.  "Look at my back!  I'm dark like ED!"  He'll exclaim.  The conversation about gay relationships went something like this; "Why does M have a boyfriend and not a girlfriend?"  "Because M loves his boyfriend."  "Oh. Ok."  There are no strangers in my son's life, and although this scares me from time to time, it makes me happy to know that he's able to make friends with anyone.

He self-advocates.  There are things he's shy about, his feet for one.  He's not afraid to ask questions.  He orders his own meal when we go out to eat, he asks where the restroom is on his own without any help from mom, and a few times I have given him a dollar and let him run into the gas station to get himself a treat, he was beaming from ear to ear when he did.

He has never known poverty, even though we were neck deep in it for the first 6+ years of his life.  He knows what it's like to WANT something, but not to NEED it and not get it.

I am not a perfect mom.  My son is not a perfect child.  But he's mine, and he's loved, and for right now I think I've done a pretty damn good job.

Monday, April 16, 2012

29 minus 10

I turn 29 in 10 days.  In these next ten days, I am going to attempt to give random little facts and snip-its about myself and my life thus far.  It's the last year of my 20's and I plan on it being the best one yet.

#10.

My favorite animal is the penguin.  I am not really sure when this started, or why it started, but anyone who knows me, knows I have an obsessive personality.  I love penguins.  If you give me something with a penguin on it, I will coo and swoon and turn into Kristen-Bell-sees-a-sloth.

I also happen to love Kristen Bell, but that's beside the point.

If someone ever gave me a penguin, they will have my heart forever. :)

Monday, April 2, 2012

April Goals 2012

- go to the gym 15 times.

- lose 5 lbs.

- start and finish a new book.

- go on two (at least) long bike rides.

- buy a bike rack for my car :)

- SORT THROUGH CLOTHES.  keep, donate, sell, or give away!

- possibly start looking for a new apartment.

- sort through Aiden's toys, change out his spring/summer clothes, put away the heavy winter clothes.

- make one new meal a week.

- have a kick-ass birthday party.

- go down to the tattoo parlor and talk to them about drawing up and pricing my next tattoo.

- don't get hung up in the small things, look at the big picture.

- smile more.

- take new body measurements.

- run my first 5k.

- tell the important people in my life just how much they mean to me.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

March Goals 2012 : Review


- lose 5 pounds. 
FAIL.  I lost three.  As I get lower, the lbs seem to be coming off slower, but I am noticing a change in inches.  Which is good.

- go to the gym 15 times.
WIN!  Went 15 times!  Would have been a couple more, but I was sick the beginning of this week, and pretty much slept the entire time I wasn't at work.

- lift weights. twice a week- minimum.
WIN!  Also except for this week, I only lifted once.

- go through clothes, again. give away, donate, or sell.
FAIL!  Didn't even attempt this.

- BUY A CAR.
Total and complete WIN!  Bought a 2003 Mazda Protege 5.  I am IN LOVE with it.  It suits me.

- finish one of the books I've started.
WIN!  I finished  Skylight Confessions, and I'm nearly done with The Tenth Circle.

- one night a week, no television.
WIN!  This was something we didn't even consciously do, but Aiden had diving lessons twice a week, and that helped.

- take myself to a movie, eat a big bowl of buttery popcorn.
FAIL!  I was going to go to The Hunger Games, but haven't gotten around to it, yet.  Tancy and I are going on Monday.

- START a new art project.
I'm not going to give this a win or fail.  I didn't do anything on canvas, or paper, but I did a LOT of cooking. 

- sing. loudly. unabashedly. proudly.
WIN!  New car and sterio system that bumps, not to mention the boyfriend's late V-day present was a Griffin iPod adapter for the radio.  I sang a lot of chick music.

- call my sister more often.
FAIL!  I'm a terrible big sister.

- cook at least one new meal a week.
WIN!  I made pizza puffs, drunken noodles, overnight blueberry french toast, sticky buns, pepperoni rollups, and a reese's peanut butter cup pie.

- write. about anything. about everything.
I wrote a lot of things in my head, though didn't get a chance to get them down on the computer, or paper.  I may post something else tonight, though.

- FINISH couch to 5k. continue running.
Week 6 and 7 proved more difficult than I had anticipated, so I did them both twice, have one more week to go.

- buy a full length mirror.
FAIL!  Gah!  I sucked this month.  Next trip to Wal-mart (and I went probably twice a week all month long...) and I WILL buy one!

- keep calm, love myself and others unconditionally. smile more. question motives less. LIVE.
Week by week, day by day, situation by situation.  I have my good days, and I have my bad.  I have managed to remain calm and not act like a 14 year old girl in most situations, I have loved more than I have not, I have smiled more than I have frowned, and I have accepted things as they have come, good and bad. 

Hi, my name is Sadie, and I'm GROWING ;)

Monday, March 19, 2012

Illuminate the "NO" on the vacancy sign.

I feel as though I have been running for the last few weeks.  I feel like I haven't really had the chance to stop and breathe.  Don't get me wrong, I love being busy.  I love having something to do, somewhere to go, someone to see.  It's jut hard to do some of the writing I've wanted to do.  Especially when I have so much to say.

So I'm going to do a condensed "this is where I have been since my last post" entry.  Try to keep up.

The 3rd of March marked the one year anniversary since Aiden has seen his father.  I have written letters and emails and text messages to him that I have never sent, that I will never send.  I am not a violent person, but that man makes me want to break his face.

D and I took a weekend trip to Ft. Collins, Colorado the first of the month.  We went with no plans other than the hotel we were staying at, and the thought of sleeping in.  We bar hopped, partook in the local beer, ate at some wonderfully unique restaurants, and spent Saturday afternoon driving up into the mountains.  It was beautiful, and Ft. Collins is definitely a wonderful place. I would love to go back, do some outdoorsy stuff, climb and look at the stars.  We managed to sleep in until 8:30 our second day there.

I bought a car.  After getting back from our little trip I had taken a day off work, and finally made myself go out and look.  I found this wonderful little Mazda Protege 5.  It's cherry red, and totally me.  It's a 5 speed, and so much fun to drive.  I have already promised Aiden that it will be his in 8 years if it's still running.

Aiden took two weeks of diving (yes, like swimming) lessons.  He worked more on his approach and form than anything, but I have decided that this summer we are going to spend less time on the outdoor sports, and we're going to concentrate on his swimming.  He's not the most graceful thing outside of the water, but he is a fish when he's in it.  There is so much potential there, not to mention he loves it.

My sister came into town with her fiance J.  We all went out for St. Patrick's Day.  Tancy, Mike and I made T-shirts that said "Happy St. Patrick Swayze Day"  with a picture of Patrick Swayze on the front. Hilarity.  We all drank too much, but had so much fun.  The day after is always a rough one, but after a big breakfast with my family and some water, I was all good.

Things are good.  Things are REALLY good.  Other than the pimple on my chin, and the fact that the weight loss has been slower this month than I'd like, I am really enjoying my life.  If I can manage to lose two more pounds before the end of the month, expect some before and after photos of yours truly. :)

Thursday, March 1, 2012

March Goals 2012

- lose 5 pounds.  This will put me under my pre-pregnancy weight and I will then post before and after photos.

- go to the gym 15 times.

- lift weights.  twice a week- minimum.

- go through clothes, again.  give away, donate, or sell.

- BUY A CAR.

- finish one of the books I've started.

- one night a week, no television.

- take myself to a movie, eat a big bowl of buttery popcorn.

- START a new art project.

- sing.  loudly.  unabashedly.  proudly.

- call my sister more often.

- cook one new meal a week.  (I need to start cooking again.  I've been living on salads, sandwiches, and soups for weeks.)

- write.  about anything.  about everything.

- FINISH couch to 5k.  continue running.

- buy a full length mirror.

- keep calm, love myself and others unconditionally.  smile more.  question motives less.  LIVE.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

February Goals 2012 - Review

- lose 5 pounds.  Just a little over a pound a week.
WIN! I thought this one was going to be a bust, but stepping on the scale this afternoon, I am 5.6 pounds less than I was at the 1st of this month :)

- go to the gym 15 times.
made it 13 times.  I was sick the majority of last week, and even though I wasn't at the gym, I ran at least one day every weekend this month.

- finish the book I'm reading, start and finish another book.
FAIL!  I finished the book I was reading, and started two others, which I am only 1/4 through both. 

- finish ONE of the many unfinished art pieces I have laying around the apartment.
FAIL!  In looking through what I have started but never finished, I realized that I'm a nearly different person than the one who started those.  I would eventually like to finish them, but I have bigger and better ideas to spend my time on.

- finish couch to 5k.  continue running.
I repeated week 5 and week 6.  It's been too cold/windy to run outside, and I hate running for extended periods on the treadmill, so I've been slacking.  I can, however, run at 6 mph for 10 minutes straight without dying.

- continue lifting weights.  goal, 10 times this month.
I lifted 8 times.  This would have been 10 had I lifted at all last week, which I didn't.  I did do a week of 30 situps/pushups every day, though.

- finish reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone with Aiden.
FAIL!  He's been reading to me :)

- start looking for (and hopefully FIND) a new car.
Started looking.  Have a good idea of what I want, now I just have to find something in my budget that is close by.

- dream big.  act on it.
:)  I attended a quarterly Nebraska Breastfeeding Coalition meeting via teleconference a few weeks ago.  I felt my dreams sliding into place.  I have registered for a course study, so fingers crossed that I'm accepted.

- get a pedicure.
WIN!  Aiden and I went together, the day of the first huge blizzard of the season.

- declutter the bathroom.
WIN!  I also did a thorough scrubbing.

- one day at a time, one hour at a time, continue to remind myself how much I am loved.
I will admit that there are still days that I struggle with this, but they are fewer than the days where I am in love with life, and myself.  I pat myself on the back, I dance in the bathroom, I sing in the shower, and I am genuinely proud of myself.  Is it conceited to admit that?