As luck will have it, I have been keeping a sort of random thoughts journal on my iPod that I enter in little tidbits when they come to mind. I write down a lot of my fears, frustrations, and sadness. Writing has always been a way for me to try to figure things out in my own head and heart. So I haven't stopped doing it, I've just stopped posting it. Things I have written in the distant and not so distant past have had a way of getting me in trouble, which is why I did the whole secret blog for so long.
Alas, I have decided to share some of my musings with you. They are probably mushy enough to make you want to puke, but I don't really care. It's hard for me to write when I'm happy, but I've been trying my damnedest.
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He helped me go car shopping. He gives the best hugs in the world. He grew a mustache for me for my birthday, just because. He then went out in public with that mustache. He also conveniently made his exit from my birthday party shortly before my then boyfriend showed up. I knew it broke his heart that I was with someone else. But he was still there for me, even though it wasn't convenient for him or his heart. He invites me to his ball games and his band gigs. He kisses my forehead and my hand. He pulls me onto his lap and compliments me. He is on my mind when I wake up in the morning, and again when I go to sleep at night. He is one of my best friends and I don't think it could be any more perfect.
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J says: you've always smelled like Sadie, since the day I met you. As he pushes my unruly hair off of my face and kisses me.
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I wake up each morning loving you more. Curling into the back of your knees and neck. Tracing my eyelashes along your hairline. Kissing you softly and deeply, and willing myself to stay, just a few minutes longer, among your body heat and breath. I love you i love you i love you I whisper in my head, I say quietly against your ear. Heart thudding and melting in the perfection of your smile. I want to crawl into the space of your chest where you hold onto me for safe keeping. Where your smiles originate. Always bright.
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He is mine and I am his. "you're my only truth" I wrote on the back of the senior picture I gave to him. Eleven years ago. Back before he loved me. Back before I could tell him I loved him. This is my real life true fairy tale. I didn't lose my shoe, I didn't lower my hair, I didn't sacrifice myself, or escape my evil stepmother. I was me. Through and through, and for some reason he is able to love me anyway.
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I had a dream, the first in a while. It left me shaken and questioning everything. Until I opened my eyes and he was sleeping next to me, lightly snoring, his hand on my hip, and I realized that even though letting go can be a slow process, it's one I really want to make with this man who is asleep next to me.
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J talking about Aiden: I would never let anything happen to that little boy.
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We sat on the couch sharing the multicolor (gay pride) Mentos. I proclaimed that I had gotten one that tasted like carpet. He replied with, "ME TOO! It was like carpet-grape." Someone who not only understands, but comprehends and full-on participates in your strange sense of humor... priceless.
"This is my real life true fairy tale. I didn't lose my shoe, I didn't lower my hair, I didn't sacrifice myself, or escape my evil stepmother. I was me. Through and through, and for some reason he is able to love me anyway."
ReplyDeleteThis made me cry happy tears.