Tuesday, January 31, 2012

January Goals 2012 - Review

- lose 5 pounds.  Just over a pound a week.
WIN! Stepping on the scale this morning, I have lost TWELVE!

- keep a food diary.
WIN! My Fitness Pal has been my best friend this month.  Only a handful of days I didn't record.

- start lifting weights again, goal for the month: lift 10 times.
WIN! Ten exactly.

- early morning/evening walks, at least half an hour, three times a week. 
WIN!  I did myself one better and I started the couch to 5k running program.  I completed Week 5 Day 1 today.

- not settle for anything less than being adored.
WIN! Other than a few select people who shall remain nameless who I managed to piss off/step on toes this month, I think I've been pretty well liked.

- get more sleep.  I've been living on around 6 hours a night during the week for the last month and a half, and I would like to start getting a solid 8 again.
Half WIN!  I still stay up too late on the weekends, but during the week I have been averaging no less than 7 and a half hours a night.

- read one book start to finish.
I am 2/3 of the way done with The Help.  Do you see how busy I've been?!

- get a pedicure.
Fail.  Planned to last Friday, but a friend's birthday party bash got in the way.

- go to the gym 15 times.
WIN!  As of today, 21 times.

- take new body measurements.
WIN!  Since the start of this journey two and a half years ago, I have lost an inch around my neck, 3 inches around my bust, 5 inches on my waist, 3 inches on my hips, SIX inches off my thighs, and one inch around my bicep (not flexed).  Perhaps after another ten pounds and I will post some before and after photos.  They're scary.

- take myself to a movie.  enjoy my own company, and treat myself to a huge bowl of popcorn.
Fail.  Didn't do this.  But I did sit on a couch, cuddled up with D who was in and out of sleep and watched Fast 5.  The Rock is HUGE in that movie!

- Let what will be, be.  Smile, laugh, and be nothing other than myself.
WIN!  I have calmed my mind a LOT this month.  I have let go of a lot of the worry that normally plagues me, and I have tried really hard (and most of the time succeeded) in living in the here and now, instead of in the "what if"s or the "could have, would have, should have"s.  I am also reaping the benefits of this mindset.

Monday, January 30, 2012

I know the pieces fit, cause I watched them fall away.

There is always something I feel like I have to say, but I can't ever really find the right words to say it.  In the case of loss or sadness I oftentimes will turn to music.  I have found in many songs the words I had been looking for, but wasn't able to conjure up myself.  When I am at my happiest, I find it more common that I don't say anything, because I feel as if I'm constantly writing about the good, that no one will want to read it.  Also, because when I'm happy, I tend to be out there living my life rather than in front of a computer screen talking about it.

My friend Savannah said it best the other day, she said something along the lines of, "I love being a mom, I'm not always good at it, but I love it.  What I hate, is being a dad."

It has been nearly a year since I received the email from Aiden's father, a full week after their last visit, that he didn't want to see Aiden any more.  What followed were weeks of despair, for both me and my son.  I didn't sleep.  I came up with excuses as to why he wasn't going to spend the weekend with his dad and step-mom and two little sisters.  I talked to lawyers, and online support groups, and chat rooms, and read anything I could get my hands on to do with child custody and visitation laws.

Pretty much everyone I talked to said the same thing, that there isn't a court that will force a man to see his child, and that's not what I want in the first place.  I wanted this man, who only came into Aiden's life a year before, to WANT to be a part of his child's life.  I told him from the beginning that if he wasn't all in, to stay the hell out.  We had been doing just fine for six years before him.  But he had to be the knight in shining armor, swoop down, and save the poor little boy from his single working mother.

This breaks my heart more than Aiden not knowing his father.  More than the questions I would get when I was the one to show up to breakfast on bring your dad to breakfast day. 

Tonight, after I picked him up from school, it was 65 degrees out.  We drove over to the track next to our apartment, and Aiden seemed almost abnormally quiet.  I asked him what was wrong, and instead of his usual answer of "nothing" or "I'm bored" I was overtaken by a little 8 year old boy who started to sob into my shoulder.  "I miss my dad."  He said very matter-of-factly through his tears.  I, of course, started to cry, which in turn, made him cry harder.  (He has told me before that he hates it when I cry because it makes him cry.)  I told him through my tears that I love him enough for both me and his dad.  That grandma and grandpa love him more than we could ever tell him.  I told him that he is the most important part of my world, that I grew him, and nothing would ever make me stop loving him. 

Then he pulled out a sheet of paper with sentences he had been writing at school.  "I do not have a dad.  I love my mom bigger than the whole world."  it said.

I hate playing both of the parts.  I hate that his father is out there, knows about him, and still does nothing.  No letters, no phone calls.  Nothing.

I don't think that Aiden is searching for a father figure.  He has them.  Loads of them between my family (grandpa, J (my sister's fiance), my cousin C who Aiden thinks is the coolest thing since sliced bread), my male friends (M, J, E, S...), and D who was a central male figure in his life this last summer and again now.  Aiden isn't looking for a dad.  He knows who his father is, and he wants THAT man to contact him.  THAT man to be a part of his life.  THAT man to care, even a little.

How can you be almost 40 and just cut something of yours out of your life?  Tossed like a piece of trash.  All of this is harder now because we're approaching the anniversary of when he walked away.  Valentine's Day was the last day Aiden saw anyone from that side of the family.

I can be mom.  I can be a pretty damn good mom.  I can advocate for my child and teach him to advocate for himself.  What I keep asking myself is, where the fuck is dad in all of this?  How can any of this not only be legal, but seen to be okay with an entire extended family so much so that none of them have tried to regain contact.

Think of all you have missed so far, Steve.  Think about how much more you're missing now.  Karma will get you.  Hope you're ready.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Sometimes you lose things, then you get them back.

My relationships over the years have been a series of "If you love it, let it go..." moments.  I have let them go, and none of them have ever come back.  Until now.

D and I started talking again on Christmas day.  It was a freak occurrence in which I messaged him a snarky reply to something he had posted on facebook, and he messaged me right back.  We ended up talking this way into the wee hours of the morning, even though he had to work early the next day.

Sometimes, you need to take a step back from a situation to see the good in it.  Sometimes, you have to walk away in order to understand the issues that were there.  Sometimes, you have to open your mouth and say exactly what it is you're thinking and feeling, regardless of who it might hurt or how it might make you look to other people.

We both made mistakes.  Nothing that was done was unforgivable.  I think the time apart may have been the best thing that could ever have happened to us at that point in time.  I was able to find myself, better myself, learn to love myself.  I am walking into whatever this may become with open eyes.

Sometimes, I can feel the universe shift a little, realign its course, set something into motion.

I never thought being able to kiss him again would be an option.  It makes my day to hear from him first thing in the morning.  It makes me smile to remember all of the good that was there, is still there, while being able to alter some of that bad crap into something more, better.

So I guess what I'm trying to say here is; I can't wait to see what this next chapter may bring.  I am excited for the endless possibilities, and for having a man back in my life who meant so much to me.

Sometimes, the things you stop chasing, end up finding you.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

...jealous, weeping or lost you, american mouth

Something inside of me has shifted in 2012.  I felt the stirrings of it beginning in the last few weeks of 2011, but now that we're a week into the new year, I can say matter-of-factly, that something is different.

I apologize in advance for how segmented this entry may become.

"You can't control how other people behave (act, feel, react, say, etc), the only thing you can control is you and your reaction to it."   This is something I stepped into last year, but it has only started to make more and more sense to me the more time I put into thinking about it.  (For those of you who haven't noticed, I think a lot.)  Most of my life I have spent worrying what other people think of me.  How I look, the things I do, how I react to those things.  I feel like eyes have always been on me in regards to how I'm raising my son, first, because I was SO young when I had him, and secondly, because I essentially have been doing it alone.  I have let these things destroy relationships.  My friends have always been aware of my issues, mostly because I'm pretty vocal about my own short comings to people I'm comfortable with, and it's usually a non-issue with them, but when it comes to relationships?  Shoot-me-now is usually the reaction I get.

I am also extremely, acutely aware of how my parents may perceive things I do, or don't do.  For 28 years I've worried about disappointing my parents.  This has lead to secret keeping that was unnecessary and did nothing but eat me from the inside out.  This last weekend, I sat down with my mother, and I said very plainly, "Sometimes your distaste for what I have chosen to do comes across as disappointment, and all I really want from you is your support, regardless of what I do."  This was a huge step forward for me.  I think my mother would say the same.

I'm not saying that I don't have to stop myself about fifty times a day, think to myself, "Sadie, now why are you worrying about that?  You have no control over that.  Stop it."  But I have slowly been able to alter my thought process into worrying only about the things that may be changeable.

In terms of my body, I have spent the last week beating it up in ways it hasn't been beat up in a long time.  Five solid days of the gym, followed by five days of walking, three days of jogging, three days of lifting and I've been sore.  It's such a GOOD sore, though.

I haven't really tried to take up running in about two years.  I thought pretty seriously about it this last spring, but nothing moved forward on it.  Two years ago I hurt not only my knees, but my shins.  This put me out of commission for longer than I would have liked, and when I was able to try running again I was terrified.  Subtract sixty pounds, and today I'm running again.  I can feel in my body the difference.  My foot strike is what it should be, my knees are bending the way the need to be, my body is propelling me forward.  My legs and knees and ankles are strong, and I feel all of that.  I feel good after I get done running, when before I would feel exhausted and sore.  I can pace myself.  Short bursts of an 8 minute mile?  Yes, please!

This last week, I had to break someone's heart.  In the same breath, an old flame and I have reconnected.  I'm apprehensive to write too much about it just yet, since pretty much all it is, is talking.  But we have opened doors that hadn't been opened when we were together, through all of that talking.  There are things that need to be put back together, things inside of me (and I'm sure him, too) that need to heal, but for now it just feels good to have my friend back.

On a side note, due to some issues with my previous birth control, I had that changed a little over a month ago.  Hormones are crazy fucking things.  I think my new outlook has a lot to do with some sort of chemical imbalance that was going on inside of me.  Acne, gone.  Breast tenderness (and I'm not talking a couple of days, but for three weeks a month, EVERY month), gone.  Crazy, hypersensitive, bitchy, snappy Sadie, gone.  Let's hope it stays that way.

A new year, a new outlook, a new chance at everything I could have ever hoped for.  Now to roll back my sleeves, and do the hard work.

The following poem was something my good friend Clare posted on her facebook wall yesterday.  It is so perfect, and exactly what I needed to read.

"Regret nothing. Not the cruel novels you read
to the end just to find out who killed the cook.
Not the insipid movies that made you cry in the dark,
in spite of your intelligence, your sophistication.
Not the lover you left quivering in a hotel parking lot,
the one you beat to the punchline, the door, or the one
who left you in your red dress and shoes, the ones
that crimped your toes, don’t regret those.
Not the nights you called god names and cursed
your mother, sunk like a dog in the living room couch,
chewing your nails and crushed by loneliness.
You were meant to inhale those smoky nights
over a bottle of flat beer, to sweep stuck onion rings
across the dirty restaurant floor, to wear the frayed
coat with its loose buttons, its pockets full of struck matches.
You’ve walked those streets a thousand times and still
you end up here. Regret none of it, not one
of the wasted days you wanted to know nothing,
when the lights from the carnival rides
were the only stars you believed in, loving them
for their uselessness, not wanting to be saved.
You’ve traveled this far on the back of every mistake,
ridden in dark-eyed and morose but calm as a house
after the TV set has been pitched out the upstairs
window. Harmless as a broken ax. Emptied
of expectation. Relax. Don’t bother remembering
any of it. Let’s stop here, under the lit sign
on the corner, and watch all the people walk by."

-Antilamentation | Dorianne Laux

Monday, January 2, 2012

The Art of Breaking a Heart

I am not a serial monogamist.  Other than a handful of short lived relationships, I have been single for the better part of a decade.  I have been given excuses such as, "it's not you, it's me," "I miss you too much, and I can't miss you anymore," "we work better platonically."  Etc.  I have broken up with ONE person in my entire life.  Some of that is due to staying in a poisoned relationship long after it was dead, and waiting for the other person to end things, some of it has been due to some of my own short comings and neuroses.  Most of it has been men who have gotten tired of sleeping with the same woman.  (hurtful, yes, but essentially true, see: old cow.)

The one boy I ever broke up with was my very first high school boyfriend, freshman year.  We would walk through the halls at school holding hands until our palms were sweaty, and he would call my house every night.  After a week I was tired of him invading my personal space and taking time away from my girlfriends, so I dumped him.  I'm not proud of myself, but it is what it is.

Yesterday, I found myself in much the same predicament.  I had met a man, he is a very nice man.  He treated me well, lived here in town, and thought I was the bees knees (for lack of a better term.)  None of these were good enough reasons to keep stringing him along, (which is what I felt like I was doing.)

Do serial daters/dumpers get used to being the bad guy/girl?  Does breaking someone else's heart ever not break your own?  Because even though my heart wasn't in it, which is why I was ending things in the first place, my heart broke telling him that we could no longer pursue a romantic relationship.  My heart is still broken over the look on his face when I told him that we needed to talk.  Granted, I know that my heart will heal much faster in this instance than in any of the others, because, like I said, it wasn't all in.

Did all of the men who have broken my heart in the past, who have listened to me cry over the phone, or sat with me while I cried in person, had their hearts broken by the process of it as well?  It really can put things into perspective.  It shouldn't be something easy.  It shouldn't be something you're able to do without even thinking about it.  I know that most times one or both people know it's over long before the words are said, and maybe that gives the other person time enough, and courage enough, to find the right words to say. 

I am still at a loss for mine.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

January Goals 2012

This blog will return to it's regularly scheduled nonsense programming after this entry.  End of the year/beginning of the year means there are a lot of goals to go over, and a lot more to make.  Please bear with me.

- lose 5 pounds.  Just over a pound a week.

- keep a food diary.

- start lifting weights again, goal for the month: lift 10 times.

- early morning/evening walks, at least half an hour, three times a week..  I have a treadmill, I may as well start using it again.

- not settle for anything less than being adored.

- get more sleep.  I've been living on around 6 hours a night during the week for the last month and a half, and I would like to start getting a solid 8 again.

- read one book start to finish.

- get a pedicure.

- go to the gym 15 times.

- take new body measurements.

- take myself to a movie.  enjoy my own company, and treat myself to a huge bowl of popcorn.

- Let what will be, be.  Smile, laugh, and be nothing other than myself.

2012 Goals - "everyone around you is rooting for you. don't give up!"

  •  BUY A CAR.  This is non-negotiable, and a must-do as early in the year as possible.
  • Read.  Continuously and consistently.  Goal : at least 12 books.
  •  Start running again.
  • Clean and organize.  My apartment, my mind, my life.
  • Slow down, breathe.  Less worry, less analyzing, more living.
  • Cook.  Healthier, different, more.
  • Watch less television.  
  • Start lifting weights again.
  • Continue to learn to love myself every single day.  Even on days when I don't like myself.
  • Give myself permission to fail.  I will not always win.  I will not always come in first place.  That is OKAY.
  • Start reading Harry Potter with/to Aiden.  This is something I have wanted to do for a while now, and I think it's finally time. 
  • Lose 40 pounds.  Less than a pound a week.
  • Visit Clare (and Drew.)
  • Stay dedicated for the 112 days of health starting January 2nd.  
  • Love more, kiss more, live... more.