Tuesday, May 31, 2011

May Goals - Review

May 2011

- go to the gym 12 times. 
as of today it was 11.  I can't even begin to describe how busy we were this month with the dentist and doctor's appointments, and school getting out, the fact that I was able to get in at all was a miracle.  I am not counting this as a fail.

- do Jillian Michael's 30 day shred once a week. 
WIN!  I even managed to do it twice in one week, making 5 times total in the month.  I love the changes I see in my body when I stick with it.

- lose 5 pounds. 
FAIL.  But I did lose 4.  This also includes not gaining anything during my 10 day trip to Florida.  I ate theme park food, greasy burgers, and drank WAY too much beer.  4 lbs is good.

- drink less soda. 
WIN! Though I did drink way too much beer, and way too much red bull.  As of tomorrow it's water, coffee, and tea.

- meditate for 5 minutes, three times a week. 
WIN!  I didn't keep track, but I think I did this more days than not, usually while I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep.  Sleep comes easier when you're able to forgive yourself every night when you go to bed.

- spend more time outside. 
WIN!  In the 10 days I was in Florida, only the hours I was sleeping were spent inside.  Before that, Aiden and I made it a point to go over to the school and walk on the track.  Weather in Nebraska is FINALLY acting like summer.

- attempt not to cling so tightly to people who I am either
A. just getting to know
B. have been in my life for such a long time that they're not going ANYWHERE no matter how hard I push them.
Vacation did wonders for me.  I was able to let a lot of things, and issues with people, go.

- start and finish one book.
WIN!  I finished Chelsea Handler's "Are you there Vodka?  It's me, Chelsea."  I also started and am three chapters away from finishing the YA book by Ally Condie "Matched" AND I started "The Hunger Games" on my ipod.  I would like to get a hard copy of that.

- deep clean and de-clutter the kitchen. 
I did, just not as much as I wanted.  It's currently back in a state of disarray, and I really want/need to change that.

- try REALLY hard not to kill the beautiful flowers Aiden picked out and planted for me for my birthday. 
The daffodils are iffy.  The other flowers seem to be doing well, though.  They desperately need the sun though, too much rain and not enough light!

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Hi, from Florida

Just wanted to send out a quick note from the sunshine state. First full day here. Aiden got to play in the gulf for the first time. The joy on his face brought tears to my eyes. We are staying in St. Pete Beach for the next three nights. Two more days of sun and water. Love love love!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

because the sky is blue, it makes me cry....

This is something I believe that everyone who is reading this knows about, but it's not something I talk about on a regular basis.  So much of it is in my past, and I don't think either of us suffered for any of it, it was simply how things were.

Aiden was born with bi-lateral clubfoot.  It is one of the most common birth defects, effecting babies all over the world.  Even though it is extremely treatable, there is very little known on what actually causes it.  It is widely believed to be a genetic disorder, most commonly passed through the paternal side of the genes, though it's not for sure.  Some causes have been blamed on cramped maternal abdominal space, and is also linked with other genetic disorders such as spina bifida. There are also some rumors about anti-depression medications taken during pregnancy causing these disorders, but the clubfoot is usually accompanied with genital deformities, and mental retardation.

Aiden just has plain-old clubfoot.  He was casted within and hour of birth, and every two weeks for the next six months we were in the doctor's office for cast changes.  At six months old, he had his first surgery.  Posterior release of his Achilles tendons on both feet.  One of the telltale signs of clubfoot is the feet turning inward and upward due to a shortened Achilles tendon.  Most of the time this can be fixed with serial casting over the first few years a life.  Aiden, unfortunately, was not one of these cases.  After the first surgery he remained in casts for 8 weeks.

Then, for the first time in close to 9 months, he wasn't in casts, but instead was fitted for what is called a DBB bar.  It is a pair of shoes that are connected to a bar.  I was able to give him a real bath for the first time.  He HATED the bar.  There were two ways that his day would go while wearing the shoes on the bar.  He would either scream and cry for HOURS until I would finally take it off, or he would manage to get one or both feet out of it on his own.  When I say hours, I don't mean one or two.  There was one night when he cried for 7 hours straight, too tired to sleep, too tired to do anything but cry, until I finally broke down and took them off, for my sanity.

At one year, he had his second surgery, another outpatient, another posterior release.  After another 8 weeks in casts, he was graduated to an AFO brace, which is basically a brace that covers the lower portion of his legs.  These worked great.  At 15 months Aiden took his first unaided steps using the braces and little shoes that I had modified for him, by cutting the toes off them.  He would have walked long before that, but had been stuck in that stupid bar brace, and the casts.

He wore the AFO braces for close to three years.  He had his latest surgery shortly before he turned 4.  This was a tendon transfer, a toe tendon release, and a posterior and medial release of the Achilles.  This surgery was done inpatient at Children's Hospital in Omaha.  It was Aiden's first overnight at a hospital.  That day, and the following week was one of the hardest times in my life.  Aiden was potty trained, but for a week I had to carry him back and forth to the toilet.  For a week he did nothing but lay on the couch in a morphine (taken orally) induced haze.  He would cry in his sleep.  All he would watch was The Rescue Rangers movie.  My father came over once a day to relieve me for an hour or two, let me get out of the house, let me stretch my spirit.

Aiden has been out of braces since the day he came out of those final surgery casts.  He's been a normal little boy with no other signs of his disability (and I HATE calling it that, because it has never slowed him down) than a slight pigeon-toe.

We had his first orthopedic check up in three years, yesterday.  His feet look fantastic.  They're healing how they should be, his muscles are getting stronger, (another symptom of clubfoot is smaller than normal calf muscles, and feet) and his doctor is hopeful that over the next three or four years, more strengthening of his calf muscles will help even more with the in-turn of his feet.  My only real concern was some pain Aiden had been complaining of after being on his feet for long periods of time.  Leg pain, knee pain, ankle pain, and he tend to walk heavy on the balls of his feet, his chest pulling him forward more than his feet.

He had a back x-ray done, and Aiden has a slight curve of his upper spine.  His hips and shoulders are different heights.  This is something that the doctor assures me is not a huge issue now, but can cause issues later, and he recommended an MRI.  If there's an issue with nerves, they can be addressed now, rather than waiting for real issues to start when he's older.

Once again, I'm taking everything on the chin, and just going through the motions of what needs to be done.  It's difficult because for the first time, Aiden is on real insurance.  Not mine either, his father's.  I am not sure what sort of things that covers, and we're not exactly on speaking terms for me to ask.  I don't have thousands of dollars to pay for an MRI out of pocket, not to mention it's an hour and a half procedure and Aiden will have to be sedated for it.

Anyway, that's my story.  Any questions?

Friday, May 6, 2011

Don't waste your time on jealousy, sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind, the race is long and in the end it's only with yourself.

I don't normally look back at the day of my high school graduation as a joyous experience.  It was stressful.  There were family members that had flown in from all over the country, mouths to feed, clothes to buy, photos to take.  It was a very busy day, and pretty much all I wanted to do the whole time was be done with it and just hang out and drink beer with my friends.

The university had its graduation today.  Two of my friends are in the class of 2011.  I am so happy for them, but at the same time, so jealous.  I end up in this dark hole of depression because I get so MAD at myself for some of the decisions I have made. 

Don't get me wrong, I am pretty happy with the place I have landed at for the moment, but I can't help but beat myself up over my own laziness and stupidity when it came to what should have been the beginning of the rest of my life.  I wouldn't change any of it, but I wish things could be different.

Enough of my sobbing, on with the show.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

it's amazing, how you make your face just like a wall...

The above photo was taken of my friend Maryann, and I in early June of 2000.  A mere 15 months before September 11th, 2001.  I was a freshman in college attending the University of Nebraska at Kearney.  I had an 8 a.m. class that day, afterwards I walked to my car, and that was about the time the second tower was hit.  I remember thinking, "This radio station has no sense of humor!  This isn't funny at all!"  and then it dawned on me that this was actually happening, it wasn't a spoof.

I worked that day, at the Cabela's call center, and for the first time, the phones were SILENT.  I was sent home an hour into my shift.  I went to my friend Josh's house, and sat with him and his friends and watched the television.  All of us silently crying.  None of us able to look away.

I do not mourn the death of Osama bin Laden.  I am also not going to celebrate it, though I understand that there are those who do.

One of the interesting things about blogging for over 13 years is that I can look back at times in my life, and remember what it was to feel those things all over again.  I leave you with my entry from that day.

2001-09-11 @ 15:08
less than 8 hours ago is when it happened. i was sitting in my math class trying desperately not to fall asleep. i didn't know about it until after i had walked the block and a half to my car and turned on the radio.

it's amazing how less than 8 hours can pull people together. it's amazing experiencing the same exact thing as billions of people spread across this entire world.

i can't put a finger on what it is i'm feeling. although i don't think scared is one of the emotions. i feel disappointed in mankind right now. i can't believe someone would have the stomach to do this. to ruin innocent lives. i'm afraid to turn on the tv for fear that i'll have to see people die.

maryann and i had a picture taken in front of the twin towers a little over a year ago. if i can find it, maybe i'll scan it. gabrielle has a copy of it in her dorm room. funny thing is, she just mentioned it last night.

this is all so unreal.

this whole thing is so sad. this entire day has been sad. i don't think it's clicked yet. how big the events of today are. it hasn't hit me. it feels like i'm watching some movie. unreal as hell. the only way i know it actually exists, is because it's all anyone can talk about.

and there's this burning like there's always been
i've never been so alone
and i've never been so alive.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

May Goals 2011

May 2011

- go to the gym 12 times.  This is down 3 times from last month, simply because my family is taking a long vacation at the end of the month, and I'm going to have to cram those 12 workouts into 20 days.  This is doable, but will essentially be a challenge.

- do Jillian Michael's 30 day shred once a week.  Enough excuses on this one.  I'm DOING it.

- lose 5 pounds.  This will be the five pounds I was supposed to lose last month, but instead decided to eat like crap and drink like a fish.  Just over a pound a week.

- drink less soda.  I've really cut back on my pop consumption in the last month or so, and completely unintentionally.  I ran out one day and haven't bought any since.  Not for home, anyway.  I'd like to continue to do less than a soda a week.

- meditate for 5 minutes, three times a week.  And I use the term meditate loosely because I don't know if what I do constitutes as such, but it makes me feel better, and it really helps me get my thoughts into order.

- spend more time outside.  The weather has been BEAUTIFUL.  I get done work work and the gym and all I seem to want to do is curl up on the couch.  This must end.

- attempt not to cling so tightly to people who I am either
A. just getting to know
B. have been in my life for such a long time that they're not going ANYWHERE no matter how hard I push them.  Change is hard for me, and I start questioning anything and everything around me when it's completely beyond my control.

- start and finish one book.

- deep clean and de-clutter the kitchen.  I'm tired of the hoarding, it needs to stop.  Compulsive cleaning and getting rid of the crap we don't need is high on my to-do list for the summer.

- try REALLY hard not to kill the beautiful flowers Aiden picked out and planted for me for my birthday.

April Goals - Review

April 2011

- go to the gym 15 times. 
FAIL.  I went 11 times.  However, I walked for over an hour four times with my mother, and I spent two full days in Vegas walking the strip pretty much for 12 hours at a time.

- do Jillian Michael's 30 day shred once a week.
FAIL.  Didn't even manage to do it once.

- buy one pair of heels, two pairs of jeans, and two very cute shirts for my trip to Las Vegas on the 15th.
WIN!  Bought two new pairs of jeans FOUR SIZES smaller than the pair I had been wearing.  I bought three VERY cute shirts to wear in Vegas, and I have also worn them around town here too.  Did not buy new heels as I couldn't find ANY that I liked.  I cook a cute pair of stand-bys that I had laying around.

- lose 5 lbs. 
FAIL.  Thought I'm honestly not too down on myself because of this one.  I lost two pound initially at the beginning of the month, then I went to Vegas.  I ate crap for three days straight, drank alcohol by the bucket load, and had an EXTREME allergic reaction after eating at a sushi restaurant.  Upon returning from my trip, I was carrying an extra 12 lbs in water weight.  Over the last two weeks, I have managed to get back down to my starting weight.  Something to work toward for next month.

- continue to have one night a week devoted to entertainment other than T.V.
WIN!  This is hard for us to schedule, but in the last month, we've been able to do this one, sometimes two nights a week.

- FINISH Eat, Pray, Love, and start and finish one more book that is NOT in relation to anything I'm reading to Aiden.
WIN!  Finished Eat, Pray, Love in the Denver airport on my way to Vegas.  Loved the movie, the book, however, left a lot to be desired, though I have to say even if it was slow, it was inspiring.  I also read My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler, and I'm currently in the middle of Are You There Vodka, It's Me, Chelsea by her as well. 

- find a way to let go. 
I'm counting this one as a progressing WIN!  I still have a long way to go, but I'm able to walk through a lot of my days without my heart aching.  I have gone on a couple of dates, with a couple of different men, and I'm in pretty regular contact with one of them.  Letting go is always easier when you have someone to help you through it.

- clean my closet.
WIN!  It's not as de-cluttered as I want it to be, but I am able to actually walk into it now.

- blog at least three times a week.
FAIL!  this has been a terribly busy month, thought that's no excuse.  Finding some of myself has taken more effort away from my computer than I realized it would.

- have an AMAZING time in Vegas for three days with my sister and her friends.
WIN!  Though it had it's ups and downs, this trip was monumentally successful.  I miss my sister so much sometimes, and she and I rarely get long periods of time with JUST the two of us.  I want to be able to do this more often. 

- find a way to find myself, again. 
Progressing.  With spring here, I feel the need to renovate myself.  I need to de-clutter my life and my own head.  I am a lot better off than I was only a month ago.