Sunday, July 29, 2012

The Good (because the bad is just too draining.)

I get so tired of thinking and talking about all of the bad there is in the world.  In my world.  I want to take a time out before the rest of this month is over, and instead of punishing myself for all the things I've done wrong, all of the bad, all of the heartache, I want to talk about the things I'm doing well, the things that make me happy.  All of the good.

- I am now in an officially committed relationship with a man who I have cared about, in one way or another, for nearly half of my life.  He introduces me to his friends, his family, and general acquaintances as "my girlfriend."  He kisses me in public without embarrassment or hesitation.  He kisses my forehead, my hand, my cheek, my eyelids, my shoulders.  He is tall, and I fit so very nicely into the crook of his arm over my shoulder, into the bend of his knees behind me in bed, up against his chest while laying on the couch watching movies.  He gets along with my friends and welcomes spending time with them, inviting them along with us back to his house, buying them shots, eating pizza with us and putting up with our obnoxious humor.  He makes me laugh, about nothing, about everything.  He makes me comfortable in my own skin.  I miss him when he's not around, but I'm not worried that the next text from him will be the last.  This is good.

- Money is so very tight right now, but through that I've been able to find a lot of ways to spend our time without having to spend much if any money.  We watch a lot of Netflix movies.  We spend evenings over at the softball fields, or at the pool at T's apartment complex, or at the splash park on the south end of town.  I have found several free movie coupons, and we've gone to see both Spiderman, and The Dark Knight Rises completely free.  We color.  We go for walks.  We read.  This is good.

- T and her boyfriend broke up earlier this month, and although this is a sad thing, it's also a good thing, for all parties involved.  I have my best friend back.  I know how selfish that sounds, but even though she lives less than a mile away, she and I didn't see much of each other when they were together.  Now, through me trying to keep her company because break ups suck, and her being able to pretty much do what she wants and not have to answer to anyone, we've been able to see each other often.  We swim, lay in the sun, watch softball games, and even go out to the bar.  This is good.

-  I am moving on from him.  Certain days are better than others, certain days blindside me.  Then today, he de-friended me on facebook, and it completely broke my heart all over again.  We had left things on good terms, and after all of the time and effort and love I had poured into everything I could with him, his children, and our relationship, and he doesn't even want to be my friend anymore.  He hurt me, I will never deny that.  I will forever be able to take the blame for that, however, because he had done it before.  I don't think ill of him, and I just want him to be able to find happiness not only outside of himself, but inside of himself.  There is so much good there, even if he can't see it right now.  I want him to get angry with me, yell at me, give me a reason to not want him in my life.  I have a feeling that this is a book that will never really be closed, it'll just remain open, waiting for the last chapter to be written, the last reasons given, the final goodbye.  I don't think I'll ever truly get the closure I need with this one.  When someone can't love you, all you can do is wonder "why?"  But this, too, is good.

- My calf is healing up well.  There are still mornings when it twinges a bit when I get out of bed, or if I move a certain way.  It's been over two weeks since I've ran, I'm going to give it a shot tomorrow, not push myself too hard or too fast, but I need to get my running shoes back on.  My stomach has started to pouch in a way I don't like.  Not to mention when I run, I feel better.  I am better.  And that is good.

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