Sunday, June 24, 2012

Fiction is the Only Way You're Dealing

There was a diaper sitting on the top of my over-the-toilet shelf.  I saw it every single time I walked into the bathroom.  I finally threw it away, because he'll never be back here to wear it again.

There is a transformer in the glove box of my car that I discovered when I was changing out my insurance card.  I shut it quickly and will forget about it for the next six months, because he'll never ride in my car and play with it again.

While folding my socks yesterday afternoon, I came across a tiny sock.  Not mine, not Aiden's.  Out of frustration I threw it behind the couch, where it is still laying.  It has no mate, not where I live.  I will probably pick it up and throw it away the next time I vacuum.

Little pieces of them are still clinging to the little pieces left of me.  I find them in random places, cozy corners, in the songs I hear on the radio or the photos that I unexpectedly come across in my phone or iPod.  I hear about movies, and they come to mind.

Not just one, not just the other, but ALL of them. 

My heart doesn't just have one hole in it, but three.

I read and I write, and I sit alone in my room some nights and cry.  I disappear, and it still doesn't feel like enough.

I am okay, until suddenly I am not.

I am chasing down all that is good in my life.  I am surrounding myself with people who not only love me back, but don't invalidate the way I feel at any given moment.  That give as much as they get, if not more.  I have endless amounts of cuddles and forehead kisses, and people willing to sit with me so I don't have to do it alone.  

I know I'm not the broken one.  I know that I did everything I could and everything within my power to make this man love me, and it still wasn't enough.  But even though I'm not broken, and even though I'm able to force myself into moving on, into looking back fondly, because so much of it was good, and so little of it was bad; I am still the one with three gaping holes in my heart. 

It's always been so much easier for him to let go of me.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Maybe Happiness is Worth the Chance of a Bitter End

So many of us get stuck in ruts.  We do the same things over and over again, even when nothing changes.  We eat the same foods, take the same routes, love the same people.  We survive.  Sometimes, that's all we can do to get through the day is to hold onto those routines, those ruts, one foot in front of the other.  Then there are times when our ruts drag us down, beat the crap out of us, and leave us.

Mistakes are meant to be learned from, not repeated.


Shame on me.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

You know it is officially summer when...

I still can't get over the fact that it's JUNE.  The weather is warm, downright hot most of this week, which is something I LOVE unless I have to be outside doing something super important and have to appear attractive while doing it.  Otherwise, I love the hot.  I love to sweat, and sweat some more.

Even the heat isn't what signals it is summer, to me.  Aiden has been out of school for almost three weeks now, and even that doesn't make it feel like summer.  I still get up early in the morning, take him to daycare instead of to school, and I go to work.  I get to go outside once during the day in my walk to the Cancer Center to do my stocking and ordering there, but otherwise I am inside, until I clock out, roll down my car windows, and speed out of the parking lot.

Summer started today.

Today, after I had finished work, put a full hour in at the gym, went to the track and ran for half an hour, I stopped by Little Caesar's Pizza, picked up a cheese and a beef pizza and a couple of orders of bread sticks, picked Aiden up from the YMCA, and we drove down to the splash park. There, we met two of my best friends with their children, and we ate the pizza, the fresh fruit, we drank the water, and the boys ran around like crazy people.

Summer started today, because for the first time, my best friends and I had a chance to lay out in the sun and catch up.  We got to sit in the grass, gangly arms and legs and the breasts of mothers, and we smiled, and laughed and shared our lives.

These women mean the world to me, they have been there for me, saved me from myself more times than I can count, and because of that, they are my family.  The family that I CHOOSE.

We talked about boyfriends, past and present, plans for the coming weekend, what it is like to be single mothers to little boys.

Summer started today as our skin soaked up the vitamin D, the boys ran off to view Venus through a special telescope a group had set up (because Venus is passing between the earth and the sun for the first and only time in our lifetime.)  We made plans to do it again.

Summer started today as I drove home with sun-kissed skin, tired beyond all belief, and incredibly happy.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

June Goals 2012

I didn't set any goals for May, as I felt I was too busy to concentrate on anything other than the millions of things going on around me.  I did, however, manage to accomplish quite a lot.  I went to the gym 14 times, I lost 4 pounds, I ran twice a week (at least.)  So I'm feeling pretty damn powerful walking into June.

- lose 4 pounds.  (one pound a week.  it's coming off so much slower now...)

- go to the gym 15 times.

- run AT LEAST twice a week.

- have a blast at my first official 5k at the end of the month.

- read more often.

- get outside and ENJOY the sunshine (tan, yes please!)

- practice yelling less.  I really started paying attention this weekend to my voice level, and it's made a world of difference so far.

- take more photographs.

- write more, even if no one but me sees it.

- keep in better contact with a handful of my favorite people.

- smile more, think less.

- apologize to no one for being exactly who I am.

- remember to love ME.