Monday, April 25, 2011
Tonight is the eve of my 28th birthday. In all honesty, just another day, but I'm going to be honest in saying that I am looking forward to thirty. In the 8 years that have passed since I turned 20, I have learned endlessly about myself and my friends. I have had huge ups and downs, and these last 8 years have been the most intense of my life. I cannot wait for more!
Over the last year, I have been to weddings of close high school friends, fallen in love for the first time in over seven years, and lost close to 40 pounds. I have opened myself up to people, allowed myself to be cared for, and tried as hard as I could to hold onto something that wasn't as good for me as I wanted it to be.
In the last year, Aiden's father had come into his life, and left it just as quickly.
I have learned that my timeline doesn't necessarily meet everyone else's timeline. My feelings are mine and mine alone, and though other people can empathize with them, they will never know exactly how they feel going through my head, and flowing in my blood.
I have learned that a breakup is only as bad as you allow it to be, and a threat to your child is so much worse. Nothing in this world will ever snap me out of anything as quickly as the well-being of my son being in question. I have given up endless hours of sleep, endless hours of worry, phone calls, meetings with therapists, and my own emotional well-being in order to deal with some of the threats to my son's health and wellness.
I took four drags off of a cigarette for the first time in over a year and a half. And I don't regret it. It just cemented for me why I quit in the first place. I spent the rest of that evening (although extremely intoxicated) smelling and tasting of smoke. It's not something I ever want to do again.
Over this next year, I would like to lose another 40 pounds, get into even better shape, and perhaps take up a sport. I love to swim, so perhaps that's something to work toward this summer. I would like to continue in my healthy lifestyle and expanding my cooking into things that Aiden will eat and learn to love. One of my biggest goals is to start a food journal and hold myself accountable for what I'm putting into my body.
I want to fall in love, again. Headfirst and without thinking. Even if it ends up getting me hurt, because in the end it is always a wonderful learning experience, and I always walk away knowing more about myself. I want to find a partner. Even if it's someone I'm not romantically involved with, even if it's a man or a woman, or someone who will drop nearly everything and come running when I need it. I have terrific friends, but all of them have someone other than me to go to.
I want to dance like no one is watching, and love with every fiber of my being.
Here's to the best year yet!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Walked the strip. Bought some fun makeup. Laughed.
Got back to the room around 3:30 and proceeded to get ready for the evening, which for Aubrey and I was The Beatles LOVE Circue Du Soleil.
Aubrey and I went back to the hotel earlier than the other girls, at around 2. We pretty much changed, and slept. Woke up around 8 the next morning for breakfast, then pool time!
Later that afternoon we decided to walk down the the M&M store. on the way, a BIRD flew up and perched on my shoulder. Now, I feel the need to point out that I wasn't standing still, but WALKING in a CROWD of people, and the bird flew up and chose ME to perch on. I am TERRIFIED of birds. I thought at first it was a huge bug, and I shouted "GET IT OFF ME!" and then I turned to look at my shoulder (I could feel its little claws on my sunburn) and it was a BIRD, STARING AT ME! Then it flew off, and I managed to calm myself down, while all of the girls laughed hysterically at me, and I managed to freak out several other tourists.
The last night there, we kept things pretty calm, ate at a Sushi restaurant (which I believe is why I ended up having extremely swollen legs Monday and Tuesday... MSG and an allergic reaction to something), and then hung out across the street at Caesar's Palace.
We packed, and I flew home the next morning.
Vegas, I will be back!
Friday, April 15, 2011
Over the last two and a half months, my life as I have known it has slowly crumbled to pieces.
One week, things with B were wonderful, the next he was standing in my living room without his overnight bag, and I knew without him even saying that it was over. I was lost over that for six weeks. I lost weight without trying, I had trouble sleeping, and I cried ALL the time. I cancelled plans with friends, I drank too much.
After six weeks, I had started to feel better about everything, and another shoe dropped. The pretty much non-existent drama with Aiden's father reared its ugly head, and inside of having every other weekend separate weekend away from my son, I was back to full-time mom, again. It has been eight weeks since my son has seen or spoken with his father, and I'm still dealing with the emotional repercussions of that. I have beaten myself up badly enough in the past because of the whole situation, and nothing he could ever say would ever make me feel worse than I've made myself feel. But to watch this harm my son, my one true happiness in the world, is nearly devastating.
In the last couple of weeks, B, who is unable to even make himself happy, has started exclusively dating someone. I am over him in all of the ways that I can be, but the unexpected and sudden heartbreak of that, I'm not used to. I have held my head up, met a few people, and I'm trucking on.
Enough of my whining, the point of this post is that for the first time in a very long time, I'm going to spend the weekend not being strong about anything.
I'm leaving on a jetplane. Headed to Las Vegas, meeting up with my sister, and going to have three nights and two full days in sin city with my best friend in this entire world, and my only sibling. We're going to eat, and drink, and laugh. And that is exactly what I need right now.
So here's me bidding adieu to Nebraska for the next four days. I'll be back, hopefully a different person, with a whole new outlook.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Over this last week I have been able to find great solace in meditation. It's such a strange concept for me because I don't really know what I'm doing, and I don't feel as though I'm getting myself closer to God. What I do feel, is that I'm getting closer to myself.
For five or ten minutes a day, I sit on my bed, close my eyes, and try to focus on nothing but my own breathing and my heartbeat. I attempt to clear my head of all things, the good and the bad. There are times when I'm able to feel the chambers of my heart pumping inside my body, feel my own rhythm and my own life force. It sounds so strange to put it into terms like that.
Normally these five to ten minutes pass so quickly that I wonder where all of the time went, yet at the same time I feel so connected to the inner workings of Me that I feel as though they lasted much longer.
If nothing else happens in my day, I know that for a few short minutes that I have been able to turn inward to myself and find some small answers.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
This week I am trying to channel in myself all of the good things. I am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and make note that there are so many good and wonderful things in my life.
Today is one of the good days.
Tomorrow will be a good day as well.
This morning as I was blow drying and straightening my hair, wearing nothing but a towel, Aiden came into the bathroom needing help buttoning his jeans. While I was buttoning them for him, he told me that his friend had told him that one of the girls in his class has a crush on him. I told him that was sweet and asked him to tell me about her. "Well she has hair the same color as mine, but it's long." I asked him if she was going to be his girlfriend. "I don't know... She is really pretty." I am thankful for small little conversations in the morning with my son, before the sun has come up.
I weighed in at the gym today, the fifth week of the biggest loser competition (which I have to point out, I am dominating it.) and I weighed in a pound less than last week. Now it's not as large of a loss as previous weeks, but it is still a loss. I am thankful that it is SOMETHING, even though I know I slacked in certain areas and can do so much better this next week.
I think I have finally been able to step away from the emotions tying me to B. There are certain things I am still going to miss about him, but I've realized that he's not at a place in his life where he can make anyone happy, including himself, and I don't need that in my life. I need to surround myself with support and laughter. Happiness and joy need to seep out of my pores. I need to do the things I love and love the things I do. I need to be around people who enjoy me as much as I enjoy them. I am thankful for all of the wonderful family and friends I have in my life. They make me laugh, they'll sit with me while I cry, they will give me the honest truth about myself without sugar coating anything. They are as fierce of a friend to me as I am to them.
I am thankful for angry chick music, and sad emo music, and The Beatles. I am thankful for a warm bed, and clean clothes, and a job that earns me enough money to maintain all of that. For a full belly, and movies on the weekends, and lazy evenings reading on the couch.
There are days and weeks and months when I can get so incredibly lonely, but things ALWAYS get better. I know this, I try to tell myself this every day. I try not to focus on the little things, but the big things always seem to come along and just knock the wind out of me, drain me of myself. This is me taking all of that back.
A letter to myself, saying "It'll be okay, you can make it through this, you've made it though so much more!" And I have. I handled a little 6 pound baby wearing 5 pound casts. I handled three surgeries on my son in under four years. I was mother AND father for 6 years of my son's life. I am INVINCIBLE. Why I ever allow myself to believe otherwise, I'll never know.
I am compassionate and kind. I am free-spirited and flexible. I roll with the punches and rarely if ever punch back. I am timid and complacent, but I am not a push-over. Why do I allow myself to be walked all over time and again?
Well not anymore.
Please remind me of this again in a week, when I'm back to being a doormat.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
- go to the gym 15 times. I think 15 is a good number, and I surpassed it last month and I feel amazing for it.
- do Jillian Michael's 30 day shred once a week. I didn't manage to do this at all last month, so I'm shooting low.
- buy one pair of heels, two pairs of jeans, and two very cute shirts for my trip to Las Vegas on the 15th.
- lose 5 lbs. Just a little over a pound a week.
- continue to have one night a week devoted to entertainment other than T.V.
- FINISH Eat, Pray, Love, and start and finish one more book that is NOT in relation to anything I'm reading to Aiden.
- find a way to let go. This is a broad statement, and encompasses a lot of things, but each day, I would like to be able to sit still, and just not brood on anything. Practice the art of self-contentment for a few short moments.
- clean my closet.
- blog at least three times a week.
- have an AMAZING time in Vegas for three days with my sister and her friends.
- find a way to find myself, again.
Friday, April 1, 2011
- start and finish two books.
FAIL. I didn't even manage to finish Eat, Pray, Love. But I will by the end of this weekend. I did start and finish one book, Coraline, which Aiden and I read together and finished Wednesday night.
- lose five pounds.
Check! As of today, I am 12 pounds less than the beginning of last month!
- devote one night a week to being T.V free.
Check! It wasn't ever a set day of the week, but every week this month, Aiden and I managed to stay away from the television and entertain ourselves with other means.
- go with Aiden to pick out and buy cute baskets that will fit nicely either in the kitchen or laundry room in order to start recycling.
Check! We have four little black trash baskets sitting in our kitchen for cardboard, glass, plastic, tin, and aluminum. We have made one trip with our recycling so far. I didn't realize how much this would increase my dishes to wash... ONLY downside.
- clean and organize my closet.
I'm giving myself a half check on this one. It's still a disaster, but I did manage to get all of my socks folded, and all of my underwear actually put away.
- take myself on a date to a movie.
Check! Went to see Red Riding Hood with my mom, my sister, and a drunk and silly Mike. Even though it wasn't on my own, it was well worth it. And I ate a HUGE tub of popcorn!
- do the 30 day shred three times a week.
FAIL! epic. I didn't do it once. This month has been a crazy emotional roller coaster ride, and I forgive myself for this one.
- go to the gym at least 15 days.
CHECK! 20 days! It would have been 21, but I took a break yesterday. Like I said, emotional month, and I've been self medicating with exercise endorphins.
- buy ONE (and I mean one, not five) really awesome (read: amazing, astonishing, striking, stunning, wondrous) pair of heels to wear in Las Vegas in April.
Not yet. Shopping for Vegas will take place hopefully next weekend. I did buy a cute swimming suit to wear though. ;)