We've already said too much to make it new.

I'm not going to try to forget.  Maybe happiness is worth the chance of a bitter end.

Cause here at the end of the road... I don't really care who was right, I'll give you the last words tonight.

This post, or prose document, or heartfelt verbal vomit... whatever it actually turns out to be has been a very long time coming.  I know that.  I apologize for that.

I am going to share a few snip-its of things I've been writing over the months when I get a chance to actually put it down.  I feel like I've lost such a huge chunk of my being recently, and I'm not even sure I know who I am any longer.  I play it well.  I go to work.  I smile.  I do my job.  Then my evenings are spent alone as soon as Aiden goes to bed.  It's lonely and unfulfilled, and I'm not really sure how to go about changing that.  There is a simple answer, and that's for someone to pull his head out of his ass and realize what a great thing he had going, what he's missing, and for him to come and try to win me back.  Easy answer, easy solution, to a not easy at all problem.

I fill my hours with spaces of things too big for me to have room to think about you.  I wake up early and punish my body to extremes so I don't have to wonder what you're doing or who you're doing it with, or what you're thinking about or who you're thinking about.  I work.  I sleep.  I shop for groceries, I read and write and walk.  I want you out of my head and heart because you're too big.  You take up too much space with all of the pain you caused.  I can't have you living forever in all of my in-betweens.

On top of my most recent breakup, against all of my better judgement, D and I started talking again.  I was there for him in a time of great need, only in conversation, in a way that he wasn't there for me a year ago when my grandmother died.  He apologized for not being there the way I needed him to be.  It doesn't make everything "all better" but it did ease that hurt and resentment I have been carrying around for a year.  He told me things.  Things I think I had been waiting almost two years to hear from this man.  And it didn't make it "all better" but it helped.  It helped me to help him through his time of loss.  It helped me to feel the empathy for him that I needed to feel.  It helped me be his friend.

Then, He asked me to move away with him.

I want to run away with you.  I want to spend every beautiful evening wrapped in your arms, legs crooked into the back of my knees.  soft kisses and face stubble on my shoulder blades.

I want to move across the country with you. Start a new life.  Start a new me, a better me.  In a place where you are the only tie I have to my old life.  I don't want to lose you to this distance and this great wide open space.  I don't want to lose you to the mountains with their snow capped peaks and their beauty.  I want to live there with you, become your other half, your better half; and you mine.  

I want to be the beginning and the end of your days.  I want to hold your hand while watching the sunset over the top of those snow covered rocks, the beauty in everything diminishing around us by the way we feel for each other.  I want to tell you all of my secrets.  I want to show you all of me, every inch and imperfection.  I want to love you wildly and uncontrollably and never timidly.  

I want you to cradle my face in your hands and tell me that I'm the most beautiful thing you have ever seen.  I love you.  I just want you to be able to love me too.

Eighteen plus hours drive away from my family.  My friends.  My town.  The only place I have ever been able to call "home".  With every fiber of my being I want to run away with him and our children.  I want to put a snowsuit on Aiden and watch him snowboard down a mountain.  I want to go hiking, and biking.  I want to be, if only for a moment, not just Me from Nebraska.  I know I am so much more than that.  The only thing, THE ONLY THING that is keeping me here is my family.  I don't know if I could deal with the disappointment and the heartbreak on their end.  I don't know if I could stand to take Aiden away from his grandparents, even if it meant possibilities for me.  Where do you draw the line between being a parent and caring for your child in the best way you know how, and being able to tilt at your own windmills in order for your own happiness to shine through?

So I did the safe thing.  I told him no.  Not now.  Give me a few months.  "Let me see if you're still talking to me then, still saying the same things to me then."  He offered to work while I was finishing up school.  Help around the house and with the children, but to FINISH school.  In a place that is surrounded by so much natural beauty.  It feels like it should be right.  I should just be able to jump.  leap.  dive.

Last August, in my random notes journal I wrote, "I hope I am the ache in his heart he recognizes but can't get rid of."  I think that when he moves on, leaves without me, without us, this will remain true to both of us.

When I love someone, I love them completely.  Always.  Forever.  Through the good and the bad, the tears and the fights.  If I love you, I never let you go completely.

I'm still trying to figure out why I am so easy to let go of, forget about, and move on from.  Am I that generic that there are more like me, but better versions of me? 

All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arrive.

I have been blue for pretty much as long as I can remember.  Don't get me wrong, I am not ALWAYS blue, but I have to admit that the majority of my late teens and twenties have been spent in a state on suspended disbelief in a lot of the emotions I experience.  I have been on and off all cocktails of medications meant to make me happy, make me not as sad, make me numb, make my moods more even.  I have been in and out of one doomed relationship after another.  None of them making it too far, none of them making me feel what I thought I needed to be feeling.

I was always waiting for that shoe to drop.  Always waiting for someone better to come along so I would be kicked to the curb, again.  Waiting for my best friend to fall out of love with me.  Waiting for the one I loved to love me back.  Waiting, always waiting.  And worrying.

Something my shrink has told me since I started going to him nearly ten years ago (I was sent to him shortly after I had gotten pregnant - though I didn't know it yet - by my doctor who was worried about some intense mood swings she herself had witnessed... pregnancy hormones perhaps?) was that I am a worrier.  It is in my genes, it is something I will never be able to escape.  It is only ever something I am able to limit and control myself.  Worry about the things I can change, the people I can influence, and my reaction to them.  This is something I battle with every day.  People who know me, know this is no secret.  It becomes ever more apparent when I've been drinking.  My neediness, my desire to please, to put my own wants and needs on the back-burner.

2013 did not start out the way I had planned it to.  I started a new job.  I started back to school.  And I had my heart handed back to me, once again, by my best friend.  Then he disappeared.  I've only seen him once since, and it was my way of "ripping the band-aid off" and letting him know I was still there, still wanted him in my life.  I've gotten very little feedback from him on whether or not that's what he wants.  Either way, things are irreparably over with J.  In the sense of any romantic entanglement.  I hope more than anything that we'll eventually be able to get back to the point we were before this whole nightmare of a relationship began.

School is going well.  I am almost done with my first class, which will hopefully prove to be the hardest one this semester, and as of the first week in March, I'll be starting my coursework for Maternal Health.  If all pans out how I'm hoping it will, I should be set to graduate with my bachelors in a little over a year.  If money is where it needs to be, and I'm able to attend the courses outside of the university that are required and are a separate cost.  I am excited, and scared, and everything bundled into one gigantic emotion.

And I met R.  I'm not going to go into too much detail over this, but suffice it to say, he's different than anyone else I've ever met, or ever been with. We talk in a way that I can't with a lot of people.  He treats me in a way that I've never experienced before.  I know I don't come in fifth, or tenth, or last in his world.  He cooks for me, and encourages me.  It goes past all of that though.  Not only does he encourage me on my goals, but he is there willing to help me along with them.  Wednesdays we go to the gym together.  We push each other.  I teach him about nutrition.  He lets me feel his biceps. :)  Things are good.

Are they perfect?  Hell no.  They never will be.  I think I'm beginning to accept all that.  There are going to be challenges in certain aspects of my life at certain times.  Aiden is going to drive me crazy.  I will have issues at work.  I will fight with my boyfriend.  My apartment will be a pig sty.  But I have also learned that things fall apart so you can learn to put them back together.  Maybe not in the same way they were before, but perhaps a new way.  A better way.

I've hit bottom enough in my life, and kept going through all of the shit and the hell that it brought, and I have continued to keep breathing.  I have survived.  I will continue to do just that.  Is this my moment?

Dear Blue, Yeah, you know who you are.

Dear ___________,
 
I have some things I need to say you. Some things I should have said to you years ago when you broke my heart for the first time. Back when you almost broke my nose on your trampoline. I should have said these things the multiple times that you have broken my heart since. 

I am a forever person.  Friendships, or relationships. I'm not in them for now. I'm not holding myself back. If I love you, I will love you forever. Even if that forever is shorter than I hoped, I will do anything in my power to fix what is broken. To mend bridges without burning them down. Keeping a relationship, any relationship requires work. It's harder work than getting together. Nothing we ever had was unfix-able. It just comes down to the fact that I wanted to work on it, and you didn't. You were the one who broke us. 

I am forever. I will fight for what I love. But the something I wanted to tell you, was that there comes a point in time where fighting for something becomes monotonous. Where it doesn't accomplish anything. Where all it does is serve to remind me that you didn't care enough. So then I automatically assume I could have done something more. Given more. Loved more. Sacrificed more. And that is not fair to me. 

Because I am a forever person. I will love you always. I will love you forever. But right now I need to put you in my back pocket and move on. Maybe one of these days there won't be an empty, gaping hole in my chest. Maybe one of these days it won't hurt to just think about you. Maybe one of these days I will be able to write you a letter, or talk about you without it bringing tears to my eyes, and the sore of repressed sobs to the back of my throat. Maybe one of these days my friend will come back to me, my rock, my safe place. 

Spread your wings and fly, little bird. I am setting you free.

2013. recap of 2012.

This may be a long entry.  Apologies in advance if you were looking for something short and sweet.  I've had several people remind me over the last few days that I need to update this.  It hasn't been for lack of wanting to talk, but for fear of the words that would come tumbling out, for fear of who might see them, for fear of repercussions of things.  But I guess I'm here now, so the story is ready to come out.

I entered into 2012 in an extremely positive place.  D and I had reconnected, out first new date on New Years Eve where we sat in my living room, ate Chinese food, and talked like we hadn't even before the breakup the summer before.  2012 held such huge possibilities.  I was happy with myself, I was happy with where I was in life, and I was happy with the person I had chosen to be with.  Until it all came crashing down around me.

Early June of this year, my grandmother suffered a traumatic brain bleed, and over the course of 48 hours, my grandfather decided to take her off life support, and to donate her organs.  She became the oldest organ donor from the state of Nebraska, allowing three people another chance at life with organs that had the donor been younger, would have been passed by them due to age.  The hardest part of this for me, was seeing the men in my life mourn.  My family has always had a strange dynamic, and there was a lot of anger and resentment that this is what it took to bring us all together again.  A lot of anger, and a lot of sadness.

D had been the first person I had called when I got the news.  (I had been paged overhead at work to come into the ER to be with my grandfather.  I was the first familial contact he had after being told that his wife of just over 60 years would not be waking up.  I held him tightly as he sobbed, refusing to let him go even when he tried to pull away from me.)  I tried texting and calling him several other times throughout the day, to which I didn't' get a response, or an answer.  Yes, he lived an hour away from me.  The kicker?  It was his day off work.  I didn't expect him to be here for me, and in that, I realized it was over.  My grandmother was unresponsive in the ICU, and he couldn't even OFFER to drive down to be with me.  Couldn't even OFFER to come down for an hour or two to watch Aiden, or to take me out for dinner, just to get away from it.  So six months into our relationship, after I had waited a total of nine months for him to tell me he loved me and he never could, I ended it.

I leaned on my friends.  I buried myself in family.  I reconnected with J, who the previous March had informed me in perfectly bad timing that he had feelings for me.  I leaned on J.  And he brought me back to life.  My mother said to me, "Don't break his heart."  But how could I.  This was a man that I had loved in one way or another half of my life.  This is a man who I know as well as the back of my hand.  How he buries his head into a pillow, or my shoulder, or my leg when he's embarrassed, or nervous.  We, admittedly, jumped into things too quickly.  He panicked at the thought of things progressing to the point where if things ended, we wouldn't be able to be friends any longer.  He ended things.  I fell apart again.

In the meantime, through all of this, I've dealt with some of Aiden's behavior problems at school, his reluctance to read or do homework, and his tendency to lie.  I realize that as I lose people from my life, he loses them from his as well.  I've been trying really hard to counteract that.  Most days he still mentions his father in conversations, a man he hasn't seen in nearly two years.  Most days he mentions D's children (though rarely D himself), and as time goes on it's more of fond memory than of hurt.

I would be speculating if I were to try to define where Josh and I are at in terms of a relationship right now.  We still talk, every day.  We are in each other's company at least a couple of times a week.  He texts me "Good morning" and "goodnight" nearly every day.  We are not together.  I'm not sure if he wants to be, or is simply just comfortable with how things are.  I'm not even sure what it is I want, either.  I know that I'm not interested in dating multiple people, I know that I'm not interested in random "hookups" or dating in general. Right now I'm content to ride this wave and see where it will break on shore.

The middle of November, I was called by the HR department of my place of employment around noon.  They asked me to come in at the end of my shift, for what I assumed to be some paperwork that needed filled out, something to do with insurance.  When I showed up shortly after 3 pm that day, I walked into an office with the HR person, and two nonuniform police officers.  My first instinct was that something had happened to Aiden, but why would they have made me wait 3 hours to tell me?

They handed me a printout of a Facebook post that I had made a week previously, the day before the election. The post read, "What's on my mind, you ask Facebook?  Homicide.  Homicide is on my mind.  And now since I've posted it, it's premeditated.  Who's willing to hide me?"  Several friends replied, saying they'd be more than happy to "hide" me.  I got an "amen." And my mother posted something along the lines of, "You work in a hospital, and have friends who work in the pharmacy..."  This printout was also accompanied by a letter that basically said that I was threatening to kill people.  It was signed "A Concerned Nurse."

The police officers asked me things like "Are you planning to hurt yourself?  Are you planning to hurt someone else."  Which my response was "No.  God no.  Absolutely not."  The officers conceded that they did not believe I was a threat, that I had simply been blowing off steam, and told me they weren't even going to file an official report.  They left.

HR informed me that they were suspending me for the following day, and would call me the next day to let me know their decision regarding my punishment, (for a post that was "friends only", for a post that didn't even mention work, for a post that didn't even mention a particular person, for a post that simply said I was THINKING about homicide.)  The next day, I received a call saying that they were extending my suspension through the end of the week, that they should have reached a decision by Friday, and they would call me then.  I asked if I was being fired.  The answer I got was, "the worst thing that's been discussed is rating you a C employee which would put you on probation."  I was called into the HR office on that Friday, where they terminated me.  Informed me that if I wanted to apply for a job at the hospital again, that I could, but it would be best to wait a few months before doing that.

They believed my "threat" was big enough, that they let me finish my shift the day they received the mailing.  3 hours from when I received the phone call, until I actually went into the office.  They believed that my "threat" was big enough that instead of putting me on the "no-rehire" list, I was simply told to wait to reapply.  I had a spotless record before all of this.  I had passed every review with flying colors.  I got along with my coworkers, AND management.  Even though there were a select few in management who I didn't particularly like, I was civil and maintained an adequate working relationship with them.  I never would harm ANYONE.

The thing about this that has been so hard hasn't been the firing itself.  It has been the fact that someone who I considered a "friend" who I had added on Facebook, who I had allowed to see the things I had to say, the PRIVATE things, would print off, and mail this into my place of employment.  For no other reason than to get me in trouble.  Had this been mailed to the police station, the hospital never would have known about it.  It's a huge breach of privacy, and I feel as though I can't trust anyone.  One of the reasons I have delayed putting this out there for so long, is for fear that I didn't manage to "un-friend" or "block" the person who it really was, which makes it so much worse if I didn't, because it would have had to be someone who I really believe that I can trust.  That being said, I think it was time to let everyone know.

I was offered a job at a new up and coming company this last week.  I accepted.  I believe I am employee #5.  I start the 8th of this month.  I am excited, and scared, and apprehensive, and relieved.  I was with the hospital for eight and a half years.  That is what I know.  The prospect of having to learn so much more about something I really have no grasp at, is daunting.  However, the owner of the company is obviously confident in my learning abilities to have offered me the position even though I am admittedly ignorant when it comes to a lot of the things I'll eventually have to do.

Also, I will be starting school again this year.  Not sure if it'll be this next week, or six weeks after that, it all depends on the admissions office and how fast I'm able to get my Pell grants.

So for 2013, here are the things I'd like to do/be/achieve:
- Find my inner happiness.  If not always, than most days.
- Love.  Uncontrollably.  Unconditionally.  Settle for nothing less in return.
- End game, I'd like to lose my last 40 pounds.  Realistically, I want to get back into shape.  I want to eat healthier, I want to feel better in my clothes, I want the scale to stop mattering as much.  Eat clean, drink water, consume less fat and refined sugar, but still enjoy the things I love occasionally.
- Go somewhere fun.  Even if it's just for a weekend.
- Someone special told me on New Years, shortly after midnight, that his wish for 2013 was that I could form a better opinion of myself.  So, yeah.  That too.


That's it for now.  I'll try to write more.  I'll try to find light even in my darkness.

Find the Spark Inside (Old Letters)

find the spark inside and let it burn

Dear __________,

I love you. I love you. I love you. And in those three times that I say that, it doesn’t mean nearly enough as it should. And you could be one person or many people, or everyone, and maybe you’re even me. I don’t even know anymore, but all I know is that a simple 'I love you' isn’t enough anymore, for me.

And I know I love you more than I really should, but I can’t help it. I can’t stop my feelings for you when you ask me to. I can’t stop the way you look at me, and the way I know that if I were to kiss you that you’d kiss me back, and I KNOW you would, but sometimes I’m too scared to ever try.

because 'I love you' just isn’t enough anymore.

And I’m so scared that I’m going to lose you somehow, because you are such a large part of my life and who I am, and I’m not going to say the things that make you perfect, because like I said earlier, you could be anyone.

I could have put a leaf-bag pumpkin on top of your car, or I could stay late with you when you’re crying, or I could lay awake on cold nights with you laughing about obscene noises, or I could share blue bottles and moments with you, or I could share a notebook and a past with you. Or maybe that’s all of you.

Or maybe like I said before, maybe it’s me.

And why can’t that all be enough for you. All of the little memories that you and I alone share? Why can’t it be enough that I can hold your hand when I’m crying, and not have to worry about being someone I’m not, because you are the person I am most myself with.

And dammit I love you but it’s not enough.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want to fall asleep and wake up beside you for the rest of my life, and I want to be able to tell you that I still sleep with a teddy bear and you tell me that it’s adorable. I want to be able to argue with you like we’re married even though we’re not. I want to be able to tell you everything.

And i want 'i love you' to be enough and so much more.

But it’s not like that. We are not like that. You are not, and I am not, and that makes all of this that much harder, because I’m not sure where I begin when I am with you, and when I am without you, and when you hold my hand, I cry inside because maybe even that means more than me telling you that I love you, but maybe it doesn’t, and maybe nothing ever will, and maybe you’ll never believe me, but I always believe you.

God, it’s late and I’m talking to myself, or maybe it’s you, or them, or everyone, or no one. And maybe I’m just lonely because you’re not here, and I am, but maybe you are here and I am not and I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore without you.

Maybe you’re the asshole, or the bitch, or the blue, or the pain in my stomach when I’m trying to fall asleep on cold nights like this one, and even though I’m so fucking warm that I can’t fall asleep, I shiver because I miss you, and I need you, and I want you to be with me right then and right there, and I want to remember so many of those damn little memories that I think are important, and you never remember. And I love you.

But it’s not fucking enough.

I want to be with you forever. But like I said, maybe you don’t exist and maybe you’re everyone, or no one, or me. I don’t even know anymore and I’m just talking myself in circles because you do that to me. You make me want to be more. Not more than anyone else though. Not perfect. Not superman. You make me want to be more than me. And let me tell you, that burden, that little information stuck somewhere in the back of my head that refuses to come out, is a hard thing indeed. It’s hard to know that you’re not at your best. You’re not what you could be. And I’m not. I’m me, and I’m NOT superman or perfect or anything better than myself.

I am me. And you are you. (Which could be no one, or everyone, or even me.)

God, I love you.

I haven’t even figured out what it is I’m trying to type here. What metaphor or point I’m trying to get out this time, but I just figured that I’d talk or more or less type myself in circles and walk away feeling better about everything. About the fact that I love you and it’s never going to be enough. But I think I just managed to make myself feel bitter and horrible about not kissing you more, or holding you more, or being there for you more, and I hate myself for that. And you, at this point in the letter, don’t even know who you are. I’m not sure if I know who you are. I don’t think I’ll ever figure that out.

But know this. The one thing I wanted to accomplish with this one little, stupid letter. This one little stupid part of my past, and maybe even my present, and future, is that I love you.

And I will always love you. Always and forever, and even if you ever go away and leave me alone in this big huge world all by myself, I’ll still love you.

Even though it is not enough.

Nine Years (also known as a lifetime)

In 2003, the top movies were Finding Nemo, The Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl, The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, and X2.  The top songs that year were "In da Club" by 50 cent, "Unwell" by Matchbox Twenty, "Bring Me to Life" by Evanescence, and "Cry Me a River" by Justin Timberlake.  The fifth Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix had been released that summer, and The third movie, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban wouldn't be in theaters for another few months.  Notable deaths that year were Maurice Gibb (of the Bee Gees), Katharine Hepburn, Barry White, John Ritter, and Johnathan Brandis. 

And a very special little boy was born.  December 1st, at 7:40 a.m.  The first birth at Good Samaritan Hospital for the month.  My baby boy.

When I got pregnant with Aiden, I wasn't more than a child myself.  Nineteen, scared shitless, and not even sure that I ever wanted to be a parent.  I quickly fell in love with the little being growing inside of me.  I cannot imagine my life, now, without him. 

It wasn't easy.  The complications of being a single parent were multiplied, when unknown to myself, (my family, even my doctor) Aiden was born with bilateral clubfoot.  I knew nothing of the condition, but quickly did any and all research I could. 

It's been a learning process for all of us, Aiden included, who never dealt with ridicule from classmates up until last year when some of the older kids referred to him as "crooked feet."  Children are so readily accepting of others differences, it's always the adults who had the biggest problem with his braces, with his casts, with his bar brace.  Children always just wanted to know what they were, they never cared the reason behind them.  Adults, are judgy.  I was asked multiple times while in the grocery store how I managed to break both of my baby's legs.

Raising Aiden has been the toughest, yet the most rewarding experience of my life.  I am NOT a perfect mother, I am so far from it that there are days when I don't know that I even deserve that title.  However, I have a little boy who will even defend me to myself.  Who will tell me that I'm the best mom ever.  Who loves me so effortlessly, and so unconditionally that it brings tears to my eyes even typing about it.  My child is not perfect, he is so flawed, like his mother, yet everything about him is kind, caring, and compassionate.  He speaks his mind and lets his imagination flow.  There isn't someone he comes across that he can't talk to with ease.  He is loved by so many people, I don't think he even understands how much.

I know that I go on this tirade every year.  How much I've grown, how much he's grown, etc, etc.  I am aware how boring and dull it may sound to someone who doesn't have children, or even those that do.

Tonight, I climbed up onto the top bunk of his bunk bed with him while I was tucking him in.  I watched him button up his pajamas that are about a size too small, watched him arrange his stuffed animals, his pillows, his tissues and his flashlight into just the right positions.  I laid down next to him, me the big spoon, and pulled him up close to me, kissed his shaggy hair, and I thanked him. 

I thanked him for being mine.

Yes We Can

(I love that in the photo she's using the butt of a gun to hammer in the nails. :) )

I don't think there's anyone who would ever say that they didn't know EXACTLY where I stood on an issue.  Especially because I'm more than happy to tell you what and why if anyone is ever inclined to ask.  I sometimes (more often than not) have been known to offer my opinion even when it's not asked for.  :)  Yes, I am aware that I do this.  I just, most of the time, don't care.

Another presidential election year is upon us, and as I have in the last two elections (unfortunately I was not old enough to vote when Bush was non-elected in his first term) I am going to offer you up my opinions.  What matters to me and why.  I am going to give you reasons I believe what I believe, and I'm going to let you form your own opinions on them.  Love them, hate them.  That's your choice.  However, I do so love opinions of others, so please don't be afraid to tell me what you believe, and why, as well.

I believe: in EQUAL PAY FOR EQUAL WORK.
Women deserve the same amount of compensation for their work as men.  I still find it so hard to believe that we live in a time where we send a rover into space, land it on Mars, and send video feed back, but women still earn on average 25 cents less per dollar that a man makes for the same job.  I speak from experience that a lot of times the fact that you have a penis is more important than that of your character, your experience, or even your level of education.  I think it allows men to raise higher in the work place, and to earn more money.  This is not okay.

I believe: that WOMEN ARE SMART ENOUGH TO DECIDE WHAT IS RIGHT FOR THEM AND THEIR BODIES.
This isn't just about abortion.  There is so much more to this than the right to choose whether or not to terminate a pregnancy.  Women have the right to choose whether or not they want to use hormonal contraceptives,  dye their hair, have LASIK eye surgery, have breast implants, have their tubes tied, or even, yes, have an abortion.  These things are between a woman, her partner (sometimes), and her doctor.  The government has no place in my womb.  I also believe that a woman has the right to terminate a pregnancy, regardless of the reason or circumstances behind it.  Whether she is married or single.  Whether it was rape or consensual.  This choice is one of the single most difficult decisions a woman will EVER have to make, no matter which way she chooses to go.

Women are going to have abortions.  This is a fact.  It happened before it was legalized and regulated.  If for some reason it is ever to become illegal, women will still have abortions.  Wouldn't it be better to allow a woman her choice and have it be a safe one, rather than resorting to back ally ways, and untested medications, and falls down staircases?

I believe: that CHILDREN ARE OUR FUTURE AND OUR FUTURE NEEDS HELP.

Class sizes are too big.  Teachers are paid too little.  Standardized testing is a waste of time and money and doesn't benefit the children AT ALL.  My son's 3rd grade classroom started testing the fifth day of school.  Aren't they supposed to be learning something before being sat in front of a computer to answer question after question?  Too much emphasis on test scores, not enough on learning.

I believe: that ANY TWO CONSENTING ADULTS SHOULD HAVE THE FULL RIGHTS AND PRIVILEGES AFFORDED ANY OTHER TWO CONSENTING ADULTS.
Marriage is a right.  We love who we love and there is no choice behind that.  If two men (or women) loving each other for the rest of their lives is destroying the sanctity of marriage, I wonder what me having a child out of wedlock does.  I wonder what all of the straight people who cheat on their spouses does.  I wonder what all of the divorces have done.  I wonder what Britney Spears's marriages have done.  This world needs more love, not less.  If you don't believe in gay marriage, don't get one.  This is not about God, this is about you being scared of something you don't fully understand, which is fine.  Separation of church and state.  It's not your place to judge, regardless of your religion.  Leave that to someone who is better at doing it than yourself.

I believe: that NO POLITICIAN IS PERFECT.
Sometimes these elections boil down to choosing the lesser of the two evils, the person you dislike less than the other.  Never is there a perfect answer that will fit for everyone.  Every human being will make mistakes.  We all fall down, but what creates character is by how we manage to get back up.  Holding someone up to impossible standards only means that they can do nothing except fail.

I believe: that OUR WORDS ARE FREE, BUT WITH FREEDOM COMES RESPONSIBILITY.
Yes, we can say what we want, and write what we want.  However, if we choose to do this, we also have to be prepared for any sort of repercussions that might bring.

I believe: HEALTHCARE IS A RIGHT, NOT A PRIVILEGE.
I LOVE Obamacare.  I love everything it stands for and has done to better my life, and the life of my child.  The state of Nebraska has paid in excess of ONE MILLION DOLLARS for my son's surgeries and treatments, many of which could have been covered by insurance if I was allowed to carry him on my work insurance.  Which I wasn't.  Not until this year.  Reason?  Preexisting condition.  One which he was BORN with.  How does that make any sense whatsoever?  I love that women are now able to pay for their birth control through the insurance.  I love that I no longer have to pay a co-pay for my annual preventative visits.  I pay for my insurance, and guess what it does?  It INSURES me.  What a concept!  Is it perfect? Hell no.  But it is a huge step in the right direction and a great stepping stone.

I disagree: with WAR, THE DEATH PENALTY, CENSORSHIP (except in certain circumstances, if you're interested, ask me what those are), AND DRUG TESTING FOR WELFARE BENEFITS.

I could go on and on.  The war on drugs (I believe marijuana should be legalized, and then taxed.  National debt what?!),  gun control (this is actually a huge one and deserves it's own paragraph, but I'm sure you've heard it all before), the rate of poverty in this country, children's health, etc.

Research.  Teach yourself.  Never stop learning, and never become a sheep.  Question everything.  Find your own reasons to believe what it is you believe, then stand up for them, shout them from the rooftops, and VOTE!