Thursday, June 9, 2016

And I don't need the fallout of all the past that's in between us

I feel like I have been writing this entry for ages, for months, for years.  I'm not sure if I started writing it in my before, or my after.  I never wrote an entry here while we were together.  I was sure that once I put it into writing for public consumption that it would make it less real, that it would make him leave, just like all of the others before him. Well, I didn't write about him, and he still left.  The hardest thing about it, though, is knowing that I should have been the one to leave, and I should have done it months before it actually happened.

But I loved him, and because of that I once again overlooked the things I tell my friends to NEVER overlook.  I let things slide that the real me would never let slide.  I was silent when I should have been screaming.  Looking back on that and I get so angry with myself.  I knew it would happen, and I could have been in control, but instead I chose to sit back and do nothing, to continue to ignore what I knew, and to be a doormat.

It was two weeks shy of a year together.  It was ten days before Christmas.  It could NOT have come at a worse time.  Christmas day was okay, it was Christmas Eve that tore me up inside.  I spent a good portion of it crying into my pillow in my sister's old bedroom while Aiden and I were at my parent's house for Christmas Eve and Christmas day.  The original plan was for him, Aiden, and I to have a Christmas on our own.  My first one ever without my parents.

I am not going to spell out all of the ways I was wronged.  I am not going to tell all of his dirty little secrets, or share all of his lies.

I am pretty much over it, to the extent that someone is able to be over someone.  Time does heal the wounds, but it doesn't let me forget them.  At this point I don't even know to what extent I was lied to, and that is what made moving on the hardest.  People grieve differently, that's what a class I took two years ago taught me.  I know that I heal best when I have all of the answers, when no questions are left, and I am no longer without a period at the end of the sentence.

There are two things I value more in this world than anything else; The first is loyalty, the second is honesty.  If you are these two things, we will get along well.  Something I have told Aiden on numerous occasions is that I cannot stand liars.  If I am asking you a question, chances are, I already know the answer.  The truth I don't mind, even if it hurts, it's the lie that hurts so much more.  Why do more people not understand this?

I know that right now I am not an entirely whole person, but I am working on it.  I am trying every single day to get out of bed, to make myself back into the me I was before.  Not the me I was after, because the two do not even resemble each other.

I have cut so much out of my life in the last couple of years, that cutting someone I cared that deeply for out of my life drilled a hole into me that I don't know if it will ever be completely healed over.  I don't know that I am capable of letting myself go like that again.  I don't know that I will ever trust anyone again.

I know I've said that before, and I know I say that after every heartbreaking attempt, but right now I
just feel a coldness within me.

"And I'm not holding on, and all your lies weren't enough to keep me here..."