Sunday, July 15, 2012
You Twist to Fit the Mold That I am In
I have managed to learn quite a few things, some things I have known for a long time and I simply needed reminded of them, some of them are new.
I have some of the best friends that anyone could ever hope of having. I have the type of friends who complete me on every single level imaginable. They make me laugh, they hold me when I cry, they offer to tire-iron the kneecaps of anyone who hurts me. They understand me. We have hour long conversations based around the most obscene and ridiculous things. We rub each other's feet, and cuddle in bed and plan bad movie nights. All my life I've been searching for my soul mates, and I have them, right here, right in front of me.
Speaking of what is right in front of me... A tried and tested true friendship that has withstood nearly everything a person could throw at it. Lies, and heartbreak, and distance. School, and a child, and drug abuse. Three plus years of little to no communication, and gradually, over the last three years, regaining all of that.
He has been there for me, unconditionally, through my last three (the third being a repeat of the second) breakups. He has cried with me, gotten drunk with me, held my hair back and rubbed my back when I was puking from getting drunk. He has babysat Aiden when I needed a night away. He has seen me in every way possible. Thirteen years is a long time to know someone, to care about someone, to not see what has been in front of you for so long.
It's almost shocking when my best friend tells me, "you know, he'd probably give you the moon, right? It's the way he looks at you, it's always kind of been there, but lately it seems like more..." and it's something I hadn't seen, or hadn't really been looking for. I can't explain how nice it is to spend time with someone and not constantly wonder what he's thinking or feeling, because I already know. There are no awkward "getting to know you" conversations. This is the boy that nearly broke my nose on his trampoline, who would talk to me on the phone when I was grounded and couldn't leave my house, who knew better than to say anything as I sat on my couch playing the Wii with tears streaming down my face.
Timing. Is. Everything.
I have also started to realize that my grief is infinite. In D's and my last conversation while I was gathering my things into plastic bags, crying, trying to get myself heard, he told me that he cares about me. The biggest lie of all time is, "I want to be your friend." And after attempts at me being just that, (wishing him a happy father's day, wishing his oldest a happy birthday) and he hasn't spoken to me in a month and a half. It breaks my heart and puts me in my place, but makes me realize what I knew 7 months ago before all of this started back up, before I fell even more deeply in love with him and his children, "I'm just a notch in your bedpost, but you're just a line in a song." It's a hard lesson to have to learn twice.
The biggest thing on my mind now, and one of the things I wrote down shortly after the breakup in my random thoughts journal, was that it makes me sad that I have no one to watch or get excited about watching Breaking Bad with me. The final season premieres tonight. It was our show. He got me into it. I can still hear his laugh and see his face when we would talk in depth about it, when we would lose ourselves in the storyline and the absurdity of it all. I miss that. One of the many things. But it still doesn't outnumber all of the many things that I do NOT miss.
I have ran two 5k's in the last month. I have started taking more photographs and spending more time with the people who are able to love me back. I am discovering things about someone who I had long let go of any hope of anything other than a strong friendship. I am realizing now, more than ever, just how close to complete I can be.
I am happy.