Saturday, December 31, 2011

2011 Goals - Review

-become more disciplined. (in every aspect of my life. exercise, food, sleep, etc.)
I have to say, this has been an extreme year of change.  Two pretty big break-ups, Aiden's father walking out of our lives, followed by all the court dates and paperwork that it takes to revoke parental rights, weight loss and finding some of my inner confidence, and probably more than anything else, learning to love myself a little.  Exercise has become my drug of choice.  If I'm sad, mad, frustrated, lost, it's what I turn to.  I didn't manage to eat as well, or sleep as well as I would have liked to ALL year, but for the most part I've learned a lot to put into better practice in the new year.

- lose 40 lbs. this is less than a pound a week. this is doable.
I lost 25.  But more than anything else, I managed to NOT gain it back over November and December.  Last year I managed to gain back 15 during the holidays. 

- go one full month without television.
Not continuously, no.  We went nearly a week and a half this last May with minimal television while on vacation, and since the beginning of the school year, I've been enacting the no television rule one day out of the week.  This is something we need to work on.

- continue to practice "no fat/ugly talk" with myself.
I have my moments.  November served as my "learn to love myself" month, and even through all of my flaws and all of my mistakes, and everything that I would love to CHANGE about myself, I realized that I am all I've got.  It matters to me more than it matters to everyone else, and even though I haven't been able to love the WHOLE me, just yet, I am able to find bits and pieces that I find absolutely amazing.

- be a positive inspiration to my son. this basically translates to not yelling as much.
I still yell too much.  I nitpick on little things that probably really don't matter.  He's a GOOD boy.  He knows how much I love him, how much I cherish him, and that I would do anything in the world for him.  He has developed a love of reading that I only can hope will continue as he gets older.  He is caring and kind and gentle...

- organize!
*laughs*  it's better this year than last.  I need to practice the de-hoarding better.  Get rid of things I don't need, don't use, and have no real value.  Things do not equal happiness.

- make it through another Christmas without going into the red!
Total and unequivocal WIN! I spent more this Christmas than I have in the last 8 years, but I still have a substantial amount of money in my savings account, I have been able to pay all of my bills and not pick and choose in order to make ends meet for the holidays.  It's such a terrific feeling to not have to walk into the new year wondering how we're going to make it to the next paycheck.

It has been an amazing year.  Through all of the heart break, the trials and tribulations, there has also been endless amounts of joy.  My sister's engagement.  My parents buying and cultivating the property next door into a wonderful garden wonderland.  Aiden having an MRI and coming out scott free.  All of us with our health.  I have fallen in love, I have forged strong, tight bonds with my closest of friends.  I LAUGHED.

There is nothing in this world that can't be made better by simply throwing more love at it.

Friday, December 30, 2011

December Goals - Review

- go to the gym 12 times.
If I get the chance to go tomorrow (fingers crossed) that will make 13 times this month.  I haven't been since last Thursday, though, since Aiden has been out of school.  I could have TOTALLY made my usual 15!

- maintain my weight. 
Scale as of this morning was one pound more than what I have written down for the beginning of the month.  With all of the alcohol and food consumed, that's pretty damn good!

- cook at least TWO new meals, and document.
If by meals I meant Christmas goodies, then yes, yes I did!  I made oreo balls, and nutella cookies, and pumpkin rolls, and butterscotch haystacks :)  I made one new meal, a ground turkey sloppy joe.  Hamburger is still better.

- do the 30 day shred, or any other Jillian the Devil video once a week. 
FAIL.  zero.

- continue to let go of the negative.
This one is a WIN.  I've been extremely level headed, not too exceptionally moody, and able to see a lot of things clearly for the first time in a long time.  It's been a good month.

- keep the apartment at an acceptable level of clean.
Other than a couple of days when I was cooking in large quantities, I think I've been really good at cleaning this month.

- go through, sort out, donate/give away clothes that Aiden no longer fits into. 
They are sorted and boxed, but not yet donated.

- lotion.  Everyday. 
WIN!  Softest skin OF MY LIFE!

- finish the book I'm currently reading.
FAIL.  still trucking through it though.

- finish one piece of art that has been started and set aside for an indeterminate amount of time.
FAIL on my own art.  I did, however, transfer from video tape to DVD my father's old videos from his children's theater.

- drink more WATER.
WIN!  I pee all the time.

- take myself to a movie, any movie.  eat a bag of popcorn with butter, drink a soda, and enjoy my own company for a few hours.
Had planned on going to see the remake of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo tonight, but I've been sick the last few days and a night at home was beckoning.

- don't allow anyone to treat me like I deserve less.  Don't let anyone try to sell me short on what I really want and really deserve.  I am NO ONE'S second best. 
Some things in the last week or so have gotten messy and confusing.  I am, probably for the first time in my life, doing what I want to do.  Not what I think my parents would be okay with, not what the logical choice is, but what *I* want.  It's my life.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Easy come, easy go, that's just how you live (prose)

There are days when I think of him fondly, or not at all.

There are days when I get so angry at him, at all I offered him, how I was going through a rough time and he wasn't able to be there for me, but he was able to push me aside.

There are days when I ask myself "What the hell was I thinking?  Was I drunk our whole relationship?"  The answer to that of course is no.  But I had thought on more than one occasion, "this is it, this is the man I am meant to spend the rest of my life with."

He had seen me at my best, he had been able to see glimpses of my worst, but he never once really opened up to me.  My only regret being that I wasn't able to spend more time with him.  I never once regretted the hours I spent in the car going to him or coming back from him.  I cherished our time together like it was gold.

I did, however, know when it was over, even before he had spoken the words.

And days like today, my heart aches.

Not for him, but for who I was when I was with him.

How he made me feel, about myself, about my life.

He allowed me to believe that I wasn't completely broken, that I was able to care very deeply for someone else, that all of the past loves hadn't stolen that away from me.

What the hell was I thinking?

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

To sum it up...

I will be doing a year review post in the next couple of days, but I wanted to do a little sum up of my own that isn't necessarily goal related.

2011 allowed me to grow and love and hurt all in equal measures.

I started the year in a relationship with B.  In a decision I didn't see coming, he decided that we no longer needed to be together.  My biggest issue with all of that business was that there was no warning.  Everything was great until suddenly it wasn't.  It took me over six months to come to terms with that, and realize I was much better off without him.

I took a girl's only long weekend trip to Las Vegas with my sister.  Even though I was still carrying a lot of the demons from my failed relationship, I allowed myself to let loose, have a good time, and spent the majority of the weekend not think of anything other than having fun.

In May, my mother, father, Aiden and I all took a 9 day vacation in Florida.  Contrary to what usually happens on family vacations, we all got along famously.  We spent 4 days laying on the beach, swimming in the gulf, having cocktail hour with my 87 year old great aunt, ate WAY too much food, and laughed.  Then we spent two days at Disney, and two days at Universal Studios.  I returned from that trip about five shades darker, and more relaxed than I had been in years. 

I spent the first of the summer months sitting on my deck, drinking beer and reading books.  Aiden swam and played soccer and I tested the dating waters again.  I connected with D.  We had been casually talking since early February, but on a friend level.  I can't pinpoint when exactly that changed, but it happened fast and furious.

There was a comfort with him that I don't think I had felt in a long time.  It was drama free (for the most part, being that there were three boys under the age of 10 running around.)  He made me realize, once again, that I wasn't as emotionally broken as I thought I was.  I was able to care about someone.  I fell deeply in love with his children, I clung too tightly, and then he let me go.

After your son's father walks out of his life, nothing seems so bad any longer.  I took the breakup with D much better than I had with B, but I ached in different ways.  I threw myself into my friends, my art, and more importantly, myself.

I spent the last quarter of this year learning how to love myself, even if not perfectly, then just a little bit more than I had.  I am a dedicated and striving person.  I set goals, even if I don't meet them all, I do meet some of them.  I push myself to find out why things are they way they are, and change what is in my power to change.  Through this, I have learned that we all tend to be far harder on ourselves than other people would ever be capeable of being on us.  We hold ourselves up to this impossible standard, and I speak for myself only when I say I punish myself, continuously, for things that are either completely out of my control, or for things that happened so far in the past that they barely register on anyone's radar but my own.

I am me.  I love people too much, give too much of myself, and want endlessly for someone else to show even the slightest bit of that back in return.  I write in prose and attempt poetry. 

Bring it on 2012.  I will own you!

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Christmas and everything in between

I recently read a really interesting article here about keeping the magic in Christmas. 

I was one of those children who believed in Santa long past his expiration date for many of my classmates.  I heard all of the talk, and I'm not sure if I just didn't listen to it, because I had a younger sister and I wanted to keep the magic alive for her, or if it was because I had a hard time letting go of Santa in the same way that I have a hard time letting go of a lot of things in my life.

I was 11, sitting in the bathroom at a playhouse in Republican City where I was in a stage production of Annie Get Your Gun.  I was by far the youngest cast member, and spent a large chuck of time by myself because of this.  I was on the verge of puberty, only having recently sprung boobie bumps.  Two women walked into the restroom to do their makeup and obviously didn't notice my little shoes underneath the stalls.  They proceeded to talk about how old THEY were when they found out that Santa, and the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth fairy weren't real.  I was crushed.

I hid this knowledge from my parents for as long as I possibly could, unwilling to part with the gifts such naivete afforded me.

Anyway, the purpose of this diatribe was because this is Aiden's 9th Christmas.  The excitement for Santa is fading, along with the belief.  He hasn't quite put all of the pieces together, but he knows enough to know that something is up.  He knows enough to question why the Santa helpers at the mall and downtown, if they're elves, why are they normal person size.  He wasn't as excited tonight about setting out cookies and milk (although he was very convincing in that it had to be milk and not orange juice.)  My little boy is growing up, and like my best friend T said to me the other day, "He's become a real person, not just a baby."  It makes my heart proud, but nostalgic all at the same time.

Regardless of what you believe, or what you may happen to celebrate, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of you.  I hope you all are surrounded by people you love (or at least like a whole lot.)  I am lucky to have this extremely small in number but HUGE in love and laughter family.  They are my best friends, and they complete me in ways I could never explain.  My heart hurts for people who never know that kind of love, giving or receiving.

Love always,

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Letter to all (straight, looking for a relationship, single) men.

I wrote this a week or so ago.  Wasn't planing on posting it, but it still makes me giggle, so here you go.

Dear single (or as my luck would normally have it, not so single) men of the world (or more specifically south-central Nebraska),

No, I do not want you to send me a text message photo of your penis.

I am aware that there are some really good guys out there, but chances are, you are not one of them, no matter how many times you may claim to be.

There is nothing wrong with me. I don't need to be changed, or persuaded, or saved.  Even though I am extremely strong in my political beliefs, I also understand that other people have differing opinions than myself, let's have a conversation about it rather than an arguement.

No, I will not send you a text message photo of my breasts.

Chances are, no matter how cool you actually believe yourself to be, unless your name is Johnny Depp, you are NOT cool.  You are a loser.  You are single for a reason, or many reasons.  You are most likely not worthy of my time or attention, and the fact that I'm giving you this much is a miracle.  I am worth waiting around for if I tell you I'm not ready for a defined relationship.

I am strong and independent and able to support myself.  I can unclog a drain, fix a dryer belt, and unclog a garbage disposal.  I don't need you for any of those things.  I work hard, and I play hard, but I also really enjoy spending quiet nights at home on my couch with a book or a movie.

No, I do not want to feel your abs.

I have been hurt in the past, just like you, and I may hold some of the past pains up to the things you are offering me.  I will be upfront and honest about doing this, and I expect the same.  We can work it out, together.

I do not need to be told every other sentence how beautiful you think I am.  It's nice to hear it every once in a while, but if you say it too much, I start thinking that the only reason you want to spend time with me is because you think I'm so beautiful.  I am so much more than my appearance.

I can be a bitch.  A real, honest to God, raging bitch.  If I bite your head off, I promise I will eventually make up for it.  I have a good sense of humor, but I will not laugh at your pathetic attempts at humor.  I will not laugh at pathetically stupid movies.  I will laugh if you happen to drop food on your shirt, or spill your drink on your lap.

I will give you the world on a silver platter, but I expect nothing less in return.  I will be your rock.  I will be your shoulder to cry on, your arms to comfort, and the voice on the other end of the line when you need nothing more than a voice.

I am not asking you to give me the world.  I am perfectly capable of going out and seizing the world by the balls on my very own.  I just want you to give me all of you.  Every honest, raw, disgusting little bit.  You have to listen when I talk, not just pretend to.  You can't talk to me like I am either a child, or one of your employees, because I am neither.

Oh, and it'll probably help your case if you are good in bed.

All my (maybe) love,

Sunday, December 4, 2011

December Goals 2011

 Just a couple of days late on my December goals.  You'll have to forgive me for that as it was my son's 8th birthday on the 1st, we had a sleepover with his best friend on the 2nd, and yesterday we went to see Happy Feet Two and did Christmas shopping.  So, here we go.

- go to the gym 12 times.  I'm going to be realistic and 15 this month may be pushing it.  If I can do 12 or more, I'm going to be extremely happy with myself.

- maintain my weight.  Once again, a more realistic goal.  It's the holidays, there is going to be a lot of good food, a lot of drinking, and a lot of family.  I am not willing to sacrifice all of that (and the family togetherness) in order for the scale to drop.  I'm going for balance in my life.

- cook at least TWO new meals, and document.

- do the 30 day shred, or any other Jillian the Devil video once a week.  Twice is too taxing, especially now.  I hate her.

- continue to let go of the negative.

- keep the apartment at an acceptable level of clean.

- go through, sort out, donate/give away clothes that Aiden no longer fits into.  With birthday clothes, he should be able to make it to Christmas without wearing high-water pants.

- lotion.  Everyday.  If I stop doing this I get scaly.  I know this by now, so I shouldn't have to put it in a goal, but I get lazy, dammit.

- finish the book I'm currently reading.

- finish one piece of art that has been started and set aside for an indeterminate amount of time.

- drink more WATER.

- take myself to a movie, any movie.  eat a bag of popcorn with butter, drink a soda, and enjoy my own company for a few hours.

- don't allow anyone to treat me like I deserve less.  Don't let anyone try to sell me short on what I really want and really deserve.  I am NO ONE'S second best.