Sunday, September 18, 2011
I feel myself becoming the crazy person, the person who jumps to conclusions, the person who snaps out of anger at the smallest of things, but I can't stop myself from doing it. I see it as it happens, outside of myself. In my head I'm screaming "WHY ARE YOU REACTING THIS WAY!" but there is not or very little that I am able to do to stop it.
Some days I feel completely swallowed alive by my life. If it's not one thing, it's another. Boy scout meetings, and library days, and paying the bills, and doing the shopping, and cleaning the apartment, and cooking dinner, and making sure that the doors are locked at night, and putting gas in the car, and singing bedtime songs, and reading bedtime books, and saying "I love you." I know that some people have it so much harder. I know that there are people who work longer hours, who have more children and less support, who are not nearly as blessed as I am to have parents who are willing to step in and take my son for an hour or two when I simply need some quiet. This afternoon I sat on the couch for half an hour, doing absolutely nothing but sitting there, with my iPod playing. I needed that. But then it was back to reality, back to the worry of trying to get it all done, doing it all right, loving all of the right people and hoping that they're loving me back.
I have once again sacrificed some things that I love in order to have space to simply veg out, lay on the couch, go to bed half an hour early, talk on the phone with D. I know what I need to do, I need to stop the worrying.
So, I've started looking into some ways to do that. The one that I've become the most intrigued with is Buddhism. I am not the religious type, which is why I was initially drawn into some reading about the teachings. There is no divine being or presence or spirit. It is simply about finding the peace and love and God within yourself. Loving everyone, even if you don't like them, including yourself. I LOVE that concept. And for anyone who has been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that I've been practicing meditation on and off for a while, and this is one of the central concepts in getting to know yourself better, loving yourself more.
Am I devoting my entire existence to the Four Noble Truths or the Eight-Fold path? No. I am going to attempt to take some of the things I've read about, and put them into practice in my own life. Patience. Love. Trust. Acceptance.
I have also decided to make some plaques, following a little (or hell, a lot) in the design that my sister has hanging in her house with little reminders on life. "love deeply, live passionately, laugh uncontrollably, kiss slowly..." that sort of thing. They were beautiful and really inspired me, and they are small enough projects in themselves that I should be able to do them little by little while gradually making up the entire thing. I think I'll scatter them around my living quarters.
All I know is that somethings needs to change. I need to stop hating myself the majority of the time, and this is what I've come up with so far to help me do that. Enough guilt! Turn the page.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
- go to the gym 15 times.
- lose 5 lbs.
- fold and put away the laundry within 24 hours of it being dry. No more letting it sit in the dryer or laundry baskets for weeks at a time.
- clean out clothes from closet, donate or give away.
- keep an accurate food diary for 10+ days.
- say "I love you" more often, and mean it every time.
- buy/rent a yoga dvd, and try it out.
- do the 30 day shred once a week.
- start and finish two books.
- go to the gym 15 times.
FAIL. I went 8. However, in my defense, I also went on 10+ bike rides.
- lose 5 lbs.
FAIL! I lost 1. Then I regained it.
- follow for 9 days STRAIGHT the fat smash diet and exercise program.
Eh. I did this for nine days. Just not straight. :(
-buy or rent a beginning yoga dvd and try to find out what all this hype is about.
FAIL. didn't even think about it.
WIN! This is actually one of the things I was able to do on a regular basis. Helps with the biking too :)
- do Jillian Michael's 30 day shred TWICE this month. Lower expectations and maybe I'll surprise myself.
WIN! on this one. Gonna try to go back to once a week this next month.
- make and document at least one new meal a week.
Mostly WIN! I documented three.
- take Aiden back to school shopping.
WIN! What a terrible mother I'd be if I hadn't!
- be more of a help than a hindrance in D's packing and moving.
I'm going to count this one as a WIN, but you'd have to ask him. Felt like I didn't do as much as I could have the first day, but we got a LOT done. AND I made a kick ass steak and potato dinner.
- allow myself to be comfortable in the silences.
Tentative WIN! This is getting easier. More in the not jumping to conclusions in the silences. Will continue to work on this one next month. Not that there's anything wrong with talking!