Saturday, February 26, 2011
The Scars of Your Love : Day Nineteen
I have been sucking at updating the last couple of days. There are no real excuses, I apologize.
Day 19 – Something you regret
I try really hard to live a life where I regret nothing. Though in order to do this, I would have to be the perfect person. The perfect daughter, the perfect mother, the perfect friend. As I know too well, I am not perfect.
I am a very firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Call it God, or call it Fate, or just call it dumb luck, but looking back on my life, everything that has happened has been part of some grander plan. All of the loves of my life have served a purpose, no matter the heartbreak they caused when they were gone. All of the bumps and bruises, all of the fuck-ups and missteps have led to something bigger. This is something I am clinging very hard to right now in the wake of the recent breakup; that it happened for a reason, and that something bigger and better will come along because of it.
I don't regret my decision to have Aiden. I regret doing it as young as I did, but I was also very mature for my age, and I've done a pretty decent job at bringing up this little boy in this world mostly on my own.
My biggest regret is not finishing school, though I know that the path I chose at the time was where I needed to be. I needed to be a mommy more than I needed a degree. I'm still working at the better mommy part, but I know that eventually I'll be ready to go back and finish school, and better my life.
My mother spent 20 years earning her bachelor's degree. She took night classes, and studied, and sacrificed time with her children and husband. She also worked full time. She started off as a secretary for the agency she works for now. Over 20 years she worked her way up the ladder, the first person to hold her position without a degree. She learned and she trained, and she worked her ass off. She graduated a few years ago, doesn't need the degree for anything in particular, because she's kept the same job, but the honor of having it was what she wanted. She's a great inspiration.
I think it matters more in this world who you are, rather than what you have or what you do. Though I really do think that one is the extension of the other. I know who I am, now I need to figure out what it is that I want to do.
What do I want to be when I grow up? Happy. Content. Regret-free.