Sunday, February 27, 2011

All my days were spent by the telephone : Day Twenty

Day 20 – This month

Four weeks ago yesterday is the day that B walked into my apartment and I knew that it was over.  Over this last month I have started to put all of my pieces back together.  I have tried to figure out who I am without him (even though it wasn't a long relationship, just over three months, it was a very intense relationship.)  Other than a few very short lived flings before him, I had been single for over seven years.  B walked into my life, and was a force to be reckoned with.  I fell for him, and I fell for him hard.  Trying to get back to where I was before has been difficult, and I work every day at it.  What's harder than missing him, because I spent a lot of our relationship missing him, is not talking to him at all.  The lack of any sort of communication seems cold and harsh.  It's for the best, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt like hell.

I started writing again, really writing.  Journaling and going over old writings and improving them, making them better, or trying to.  I started reading again.

Two weeks ago I worked my ass off at work when a coworker and close friend was out pretty much for five full days when she and her child were ill.  I picked up slack that I didn't know was even there to pick up in the first place and I carried a lot of resentment for other coworkers who didn't even attempt to help me.  The last couple of days I let a lot of this go, and tried to make the best of things.

I have done a lot of cooking, not so much cleaning, and I have rediscovered who my real friends are.  I have gone to dinner with friends, had drinks with friends, and sat on the couch with a box of tissues and cried with friends.

Last weekend I shared my bed with a longtime friend after I had drank too much.  Just having a warm body and a hand to hold did wonders for me.  Him being there for me, simply so I wouldn't be alone was enough.

This weekend my good friend T and I had a long discussion about trust and friendship.  I'm having severe trust issues after my breakup with B and that I feel as though he lied to me more than he told me the truth.  T has been withholding things as well, which wouldn't have been such a big deal, but she flat out lied to me as well.  We have talked, we have worked things out, and there are no hard feelings, but I feel myself being more guarded with everyone now.

I played a lot of Super Mario Bros on the Wii.  I lost five pounds.

This last month has been a whirlwind of emotions.  And I'm also hoping that as 2011 continues that this will be the roughest.  That I have nowhere to go but up.

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