Sunday, February 20, 2011

Put my arms in fragile hands : Day Fifteen

I wrote this the last time I did the 30 days, and it still rings true. I thought I'd post it here so that other people can read it, even if it is recycled.

Day 15 – Your dreams

Six years ago I had an intensely vivid dream of a river with a wide fork in it. I was walking with two men, one of which was there for me, the other who I tried so desperately to cling to, but offered no reassurance. As we walked along this river, it got deeper and darker and right before I woke up, I went under. This dream (and I don't usually remember my dreams) came at a point in my life where I was trying to make some big decisions in the direction of my life. It helped me to realize that no matter the choice or my reasons behind it, it was mine alone to make. So I did, and I've never looked back.


When I was seven I wanted to be an archeologist or a paleontologist. I wanted to dig up dinosaur bones and study ancient cultures.

When I was fifteen I wanted to be a writer. Prose, or poetry. I wanted to publish a poetry book that was titled "love, blue" and was about me and the people I have loved through my life. I wanted to write music like Michelle Branch and play a guitar.

When I was eighteen I was going to be a teacher. One semester of college and I decided I really didn't like children all that much.

At nineteen I wanted to be a graphic designer. My dream? To create the billboards that decorate Times Square in New York City. Ii wanted to make commercials, or title sequences for television shows or movies.

At twenty I was a mother, and I no longer had any dreams.

My dream was to be able to make it through the month without a bill collector phone call, or my cable tv being shut off from lack of payment. It was to be able to have enough money to put gas in my car and food on my table.

I once had a boyfriend ask me what I wanted most out of a significant other, and I told him that more than anything, I wanted someone who would stay.

Over the years, things have gotten easier. Aiden is growing up into a fine young man. I managed to quit smoking, get a new job that I actually enjoy that pays decently. For the most part we're able to keep our heads above water from one week to the next. I have been able to find time to better myself. I have started actually cooking meals instead of relying on boxes or fast food places.

My dreams currently? I would like to finish school. In what, I don't know, but at this point I would settle for anything. I know that this is at least another five or six years off. I would like to pay down the student loan debt I've accumulated already without adding any more onto it. I would like to take a class or two a semester, online if possible.

I would like to be a more present mother. I'm here, but at the same time I'm trying to cook dinner and do laundry and keep the apartment in running order all while working full time, trying to exercise, and trying to play and learn with Aiden. It's exhausting and on the days I have off, I find myself catching up on lost sleep and falling further behind in the process.

I would like to be able to enjoy my time alone as not a punishment, but as therapeutic. I raised Aiden for over six years pretty much by myself, and it's hard to accept his father into his life every other weekend. I get severely depressed, and lock myself in my room for 48 hours because I have no one to care for or entertain. I want to be able to go on dates with myself, get to know my friends all over again, and just find time for ME. Because there is still a me without Aiden.

I want to run a 5k. This is silly and will probably never happen, and if I ever did, it would probably be so slow that I wouldn't finish by the time the race was over, but it's something I WANT to do. Maybe next year sometime.

And more than anything I want to find someone who I can share my life with. Platonic or romantic, it doesn't matter to me. I want to find someone that I can be their number one person. (and I know I'm Aiden's number one person, and he's my number one person, and nothing will ever change that,) I want to mean something more than passing entertainment to someone between significant others. I want to be someone other than the other woman, or the person who is there when no one else is. I want to feel needed and wanted. After seven years I am DESPERATE to open my heart to someone, but this time the RIGHT someone.

Oh, and I'd like to have one uninterrupted night with Taylor Hanson, and Johnny Depp. Together, or separate... I'm not that picky.


  1. My love, the 5K can absolutely happen. You can do it. I BELIEVE IN YOU. <3

  2. I believe in you too...I don't think it's silly at all to want to run a 5k and I know you can do it. I'm always impressed (via FB of course) by your gym regularity. I bet you're in better shape than you think you are.