Sunday, February 27, 2011

I know that this is deeper than you get (old prose)

We can't see each other anymore.  We refuse to open our eyes and see beyond our own selfish habits and horrible dreams that both of us will continuously run back to the other time after time, until one of us or both of us decides that enough is enough.

But will enough ever really be enough?  Will all of the girls you are casually dating ever really know about me, and will I ever be able to tell my best friends about you for fear that they will look at me like I'm a child who can't get over a broken toy?

These are circles that neither one of us will ever be able to fess up to, and I have a feeling we are going to keep the other at arms length until there comes a time when one of us or both of us can't put up with it anymore.  And then you will be gone forever.

There will be no bags to pack and no papers to sign, and maybe I'll actually give you back that pair of tennis shoes you left here almost a year ago, and maybe I'll get my thirty dollars that I loaned you for a tattoo, but I doubt it.  I doubt you'll ever shave your goatee and I'll never let you go until it stops being so easy to run back to you time and again.

I will paint you a picture and leave it on your windshield for you to wonder who the real artist is, and in the back of your head you'll always believe it is you, because you have always believed that you were the one who was painting me, when all along it was me who was painting you.

And maybe one of these days I'll stop making metaphors out of life and maybe you will be able to look back and think of me as a pretty girl who stole your heart with her eyes, but I doubt it.  And I know I will eventually begin to love you to a point where it does not hurt me to think about you, and maybe you will love me so much it hurts to know that you lost me. And I think that will make me happy.

But for right now I am going to go on keeping you my little secret, leaving things out in the open, and calling your phone when I need a little reminder that someone used to care about me.

Well at least I had the courage to put it all out in the open.

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