Monday, April 25, 2011
I'm marking it down to learning, cause I can.
Tonight is the eve of my 28th birthday. In all honesty, just another day, but I'm going to be honest in saying that I am looking forward to thirty. In the 8 years that have passed since I turned 20, I have learned endlessly about myself and my friends. I have had huge ups and downs, and these last 8 years have been the most intense of my life. I cannot wait for more!
Over the last year, I have been to weddings of close high school friends, fallen in love for the first time in over seven years, and lost close to 40 pounds. I have opened myself up to people, allowed myself to be cared for, and tried as hard as I could to hold onto something that wasn't as good for me as I wanted it to be.
In the last year, Aiden's father had come into his life, and left it just as quickly.
I have learned that my timeline doesn't necessarily meet everyone else's timeline. My feelings are mine and mine alone, and though other people can empathize with them, they will never know exactly how they feel going through my head, and flowing in my blood.
I have learned that a breakup is only as bad as you allow it to be, and a threat to your child is so much worse. Nothing in this world will ever snap me out of anything as quickly as the well-being of my son being in question. I have given up endless hours of sleep, endless hours of worry, phone calls, meetings with therapists, and my own emotional well-being in order to deal with some of the threats to my son's health and wellness.
I took four drags off of a cigarette for the first time in over a year and a half. And I don't regret it. It just cemented for me why I quit in the first place. I spent the rest of that evening (although extremely intoxicated) smelling and tasting of smoke. It's not something I ever want to do again.
Over this next year, I would like to lose another 40 pounds, get into even better shape, and perhaps take up a sport. I love to swim, so perhaps that's something to work toward this summer. I would like to continue in my healthy lifestyle and expanding my cooking into things that Aiden will eat and learn to love. One of my biggest goals is to start a food journal and hold myself accountable for what I'm putting into my body.
I want to fall in love, again. Headfirst and without thinking. Even if it ends up getting me hurt, because in the end it is always a wonderful learning experience, and I always walk away knowing more about myself. I want to find a partner. Even if it's someone I'm not romantically involved with, even if it's a man or a woman, or someone who will drop nearly everything and come running when I need it. I have terrific friends, but all of them have someone other than me to go to.
I want to dance like no one is watching, and love with every fiber of my being.
Here's to the best year yet!