Wednesday, April 6, 2011

there will be an answer... let it be

This week I am trying to channel in myself all of the good things.  I am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and make note that there are so many good and wonderful things in my life.

Today is one of the good days.

Tomorrow will be a good day as well.

This morning as I was blow drying and straightening my hair, wearing nothing but a towel, Aiden came into the bathroom needing help buttoning his jeans.  While I was buttoning them for him, he told me that his friend had told him that one of the girls in his class has a crush on him.  I told him that was sweet and asked him to tell me about her.  "Well she has hair the same color as mine, but it's long."  I asked him if she was going to be his girlfriend.  "I don't know... She is really pretty."  I am thankful for small little conversations in the morning with my son, before the sun has come up.

I weighed in at the gym today, the fifth week of the biggest loser competition (which I have to point out, I am dominating it.) and I weighed in a pound less than last week.  Now it's not as large of a loss as previous weeks, but it is still a loss.  I am thankful that it is SOMETHING, even though I know I slacked in certain areas and can do so much better this next week.

I think I have finally been able to step away from the emotions tying me to B.  There are certain things I am still going to miss about him, but I've realized that he's not at a place in his life where he can make anyone happy, including himself, and I don't need that in my life.  I need to surround myself with support and laughter.  Happiness and joy need to seep out of my pores.  I need to do the things I love and love the things I do.  I need to be around people who enjoy me as much as I enjoy them.  I am thankful for all of the wonderful family and friends I have in my life.  They make me laugh, they'll sit with me while I cry, they will give me the honest truth about myself without sugar coating anything.  They are as fierce of a friend to me as I am to them.

I am thankful for angry chick music, and sad emo music, and The Beatles.  I am thankful for a warm bed, and clean clothes, and a job that earns me enough money to maintain all of that.  For a full belly, and movies on the weekends, and lazy evenings reading on the couch.

There are days and weeks and months when I can get so incredibly lonely, but things ALWAYS get better.  I know this, I try to tell myself this every day.  I try not to focus on the little things, but the big things always seem to come along and just knock the wind out of me, drain me of myself.  This is me taking all of that back.

A letter to myself, saying "It'll be okay, you can make it through this, you've made it though so much more!"  And I have.  I handled a little 6 pound baby wearing 5 pound casts.  I handled three surgeries on my son in under four years.  I was mother AND father for 6 years of my son's life.  I am INVINCIBLE.  Why I ever allow myself to believe otherwise, I'll never know.

I am compassionate and kind.  I am free-spirited and flexible.  I roll with the punches and rarely if ever punch back.  I am timid and complacent, but I am not a push-over.  Why do I allow myself to be walked all over time and again?

Well not anymore.

Please remind me of this again in a week, when I'm back to being a doormat.

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