Friday, April 15, 2011

find the spark inside...

Over the last two and a half months, my life as I have known it has slowly crumbled to pieces.

One week, things with B were wonderful, the next he was standing in my living room without his overnight bag, and I knew without him even saying that it was over.  I was lost over that for six weeks.  I lost weight without trying, I had trouble sleeping, and I cried ALL the time.  I cancelled plans with friends, I drank too much.

After six weeks, I had started to feel better about everything, and another shoe dropped.  The pretty much non-existent drama with Aiden's father reared its ugly head, and inside of having every other weekend separate weekend away from my son, I was back to full-time mom, again.  It has been eight weeks since my son has seen or spoken with his father, and I'm still dealing with the emotional repercussions of that.  I have beaten myself up badly enough in the past because of the whole situation, and nothing he could ever say would ever make me feel worse than I've made myself feel.  But to watch this harm my son, my one true happiness in the world, is nearly devastating. 

In the last couple of weeks, B, who is unable to even make himself happy, has started exclusively dating someone.  I am over him in all of the ways that I can be, but the unexpected and sudden heartbreak of that, I'm not used to.  I have held my head up, met a few people, and I'm trucking on.

Enough of my whining, the point of this post is that for the first time in a very long time, I'm going to spend the weekend not being strong about anything.

I'm leaving on a jetplane.  Headed to Las Vegas, meeting up with my sister, and going to have three nights and two full days in sin city with my best friend in this entire world, and my only sibling.  We're going to eat, and drink, and laugh.  And that is exactly what I need right now.

So here's me bidding adieu to Nebraska for the next four days.  I'll be back, hopefully a different person, with a whole new outlook.

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