Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Remember how to put the lights back in my eyes : Day Twenty-two
Day 22 – Something that upsets you
Most of my life I have felt like I am not good enough, for anything or anyone. I have felt like the good things that happen to me are fate's way of screwing up. I deserve all of the bad, but none of the good. Most of this is unfounded, and I honestly know that. I'm not good enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not smart enough. I don't dress up enough, I don't wear makeup enough, I don't workout enough. I am not enough.
When someone doesn't respond to an email or a text message from me in a timely manner, I take it personally. I take it personal when someone doesn't answer their phone or call me back in a timely manner. I know people get busy. I know that I am on no one's list of priorities, however, I would rather be told up front by someone that they simply do not want to talk, than to be ignored.
In relationships especially, it gets to a point where I flat out tell people that if at any point in time I get too annoying, too needy, too anything, to let me know. I would rather be told to back off, than ignored because of it. I am able to keep this mostly in check, except when I know that someone is actively avoiding a conversation or a confrontation with me. This turns me into a 14 year old girl who is going to call or text you repeatedly until you answer me. I am also aware of how crazy this sounds.
I would rather be told, "go away" than to be told nothing at all. Anything other than silence. I also know that this is something I have to work on.
I know that people's minds do not work in the same way mine does. I know there are people out there who are not planners, that they like to fly by the seat of their pants. I also know of people who like to have a plan for the next five years. Me, I like to know what is going on in about 7 day increments. It is not uncommon for me to ask friends what their plans are for the following weekend on a Monday afternoon. Most of my friends are used to this, and I am used to most of them giving me an "I don't know" answer.
I'm a planner. I plan what I'm cooking, what type of exercises I'm doing, and what television shows I'm going to watch.
Most of the situations I've come across that I think people are ignoring me, that's usually not the case. Most of the time something came up, life happened. Which is why I'm also very good at giving people the benefit of the doubt. I am willing to wait things out, now, more so than I ever was only a few years ago. The only exception to this rule is when I have made plans with someone. If we have a phone date, or if someone says they're going to call at a certain time, there is a 15 minute leeway. After that, you better be injured or dead. Especially if you're someone who forgets phone calls on a regular basis.
Drives. Me. Crazy.