Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Please, use me up : Day Twenty-six

Day 26 – Your fears

I am terrified of spiders (though not afraid to smash them with a shoe, or squish them with a tissue), snakes (I will sacrifice Aiden, hurdle a fence, and run a mile to get away from them), and in being seen as unworthy.

A year ago, I was afraid that Aiden wouldn't read at an adequate level, ride a bicycle without training wheels, or be able to tie his shoes.  He's doing all of those things now.

I was once afraid that we would never be able to get our heads above water financially.  We currently have several thousand in savings, a hefty sum in checking, and we're taking an actual vacation this summer (YAY! Disney World!)

I was afraid that Aiden would never walk or run normally.  I was afraid that no matter how hard I tried I was always going to just keep gaining weight (though this is something i continue to struggle with every day, the fact that I'm able to get on the scale and consistently see a lower number, makes it a little easier.)  I was afraid that I was broken and would never be able to fall in love again.  All of these things have been proven wrong.  There is not a limit on a child's abilities, or number of times you can love and lose, or the amount of work you can put into any one thing in order to see results.

There are days that I fear for the path my son will choose to follow, or the people he will surround himself with, or who he will eventually become.  I don't think my own worries of my inadequacies as a parent are anything different than the fears most parents face about their own children.  No matter how hard we try, or how much we know initially, parenting is a new battle each and every day.  And eventually we will ALL fuck up in one way or another.  I think it's recognizing those faults in ourselves that help us learn and help us grow and help us become better parents.

I admit that yell too much.  I know that I don't listen at times when I should, and I know I tend to be too quick to judge when there have been behavior problems at school.  (In Aiden's case, most of the time this has more to do with his inability to sit still, not listening to directions, and talking when he's not supposed to.  Never is he BAD.)

There are nights when I'm afraid I wont be able to sleep, and there are mornings where I'm afraid I wont be able to drag myself out of bed in order to live my life.  I'm afraid I'm not pretty enough, thin enough, funny enough to matter to anyone.  All of this then is followed by my friends and family being incredibly supportive and loving people, and I know I do matter.  That I'll always matter.

So I'm going to stick with the basics.  Spiders, snakes, tornadoes, being stranded in my car alone on a highway (this is infinitely better since cell phones came around), ghosts, alien abductions, and being ignored.

But let's just stick with spiders and snakes.  They're gross.