Monday, January 30, 2012

I know the pieces fit, cause I watched them fall away.

There is always something I feel like I have to say, but I can't ever really find the right words to say it.  In the case of loss or sadness I oftentimes will turn to music.  I have found in many songs the words I had been looking for, but wasn't able to conjure up myself.  When I am at my happiest, I find it more common that I don't say anything, because I feel as if I'm constantly writing about the good, that no one will want to read it.  Also, because when I'm happy, I tend to be out there living my life rather than in front of a computer screen talking about it.

My friend Savannah said it best the other day, she said something along the lines of, "I love being a mom, I'm not always good at it, but I love it.  What I hate, is being a dad."

It has been nearly a year since I received the email from Aiden's father, a full week after their last visit, that he didn't want to see Aiden any more.  What followed were weeks of despair, for both me and my son.  I didn't sleep.  I came up with excuses as to why he wasn't going to spend the weekend with his dad and step-mom and two little sisters.  I talked to lawyers, and online support groups, and chat rooms, and read anything I could get my hands on to do with child custody and visitation laws.

Pretty much everyone I talked to said the same thing, that there isn't a court that will force a man to see his child, and that's not what I want in the first place.  I wanted this man, who only came into Aiden's life a year before, to WANT to be a part of his child's life.  I told him from the beginning that if he wasn't all in, to stay the hell out.  We had been doing just fine for six years before him.  But he had to be the knight in shining armor, swoop down, and save the poor little boy from his single working mother.

This breaks my heart more than Aiden not knowing his father.  More than the questions I would get when I was the one to show up to breakfast on bring your dad to breakfast day. 

Tonight, after I picked him up from school, it was 65 degrees out.  We drove over to the track next to our apartment, and Aiden seemed almost abnormally quiet.  I asked him what was wrong, and instead of his usual answer of "nothing" or "I'm bored" I was overtaken by a little 8 year old boy who started to sob into my shoulder.  "I miss my dad."  He said very matter-of-factly through his tears.  I, of course, started to cry, which in turn, made him cry harder.  (He has told me before that he hates it when I cry because it makes him cry.)  I told him through my tears that I love him enough for both me and his dad.  That grandma and grandpa love him more than we could ever tell him.  I told him that he is the most important part of my world, that I grew him, and nothing would ever make me stop loving him. 

Then he pulled out a sheet of paper with sentences he had been writing at school.  "I do not have a dad.  I love my mom bigger than the whole world."  it said.

I hate playing both of the parts.  I hate that his father is out there, knows about him, and still does nothing.  No letters, no phone calls.  Nothing.

I don't think that Aiden is searching for a father figure.  He has them.  Loads of them between my family (grandpa, J (my sister's fiance), my cousin C who Aiden thinks is the coolest thing since sliced bread), my male friends (M, J, E, S...), and D who was a central male figure in his life this last summer and again now.  Aiden isn't looking for a dad.  He knows who his father is, and he wants THAT man to contact him.  THAT man to be a part of his life.  THAT man to care, even a little.

How can you be almost 40 and just cut something of yours out of your life?  Tossed like a piece of trash.  All of this is harder now because we're approaching the anniversary of when he walked away.  Valentine's Day was the last day Aiden saw anyone from that side of the family.

I can be mom.  I can be a pretty damn good mom.  I can advocate for my child and teach him to advocate for himself.  What I keep asking myself is, where the fuck is dad in all of this?  How can any of this not only be legal, but seen to be okay with an entire extended family so much so that none of them have tried to regain contact.

Think of all you have missed so far, Steve.  Think about how much more you're missing now.  Karma will get you.  Hope you're ready.


  1. this makes my heart ache.
    i wish i had something wise and helpful but karma is indeed a bitch. people like that get theirs someday.
    you're SUCH a great mom sadie. and it may not be a comfort to you or aides, but as tough a time as you have with being a dad, you're STILL 1000x better at it than steve ever was.

  2. What a heartbreaking story, Sadie. :( I wish I could punch Aiden's "father" in the face. But you know what? He doesn't deserve that title: "father." He isn't one.

    He is denying himself, and Aiden, and Aiden's half-sisters of something so special that he WILL one day regret. However, Aiden, though he wishes his "father" WANTED to be part of his life now, will continue to grow, persevere, love, and bloom. He has what he needs, and that, in the end, will be enough.

    It is unfortunate and sad that he has to have these feelings, at his age, as a result of an immature "adult." But Aiden has a great mommy, and aunt and soon-to-be uncle, and grandparents, and other people in his life. He is winning here.

  3. Sadie, I have only seen and heard parts of you and Aiden's story, and mostly on facebook. You are a special person, and your son is a special person, too. I love you both, and my heart grieves for you... and especially for Aiden. I'm going to say prayers for both of you... and for Steve. I don't know exactly what the root of the problem seemed to be, but I know that it comes from evil, not Love. The solution is Love, and you have that. There's no such thing as an overdose of Love. Not if it's truly LOVE! So I'm praying for God's Love to fill you and your son both so full that there's no room for anything BUT love in your lives ! From reading your story, though, I suspect that you already have a LOT of love inside. I love your parents, and your family, too. You are good folks, and don't deserve this pain. I hate sin and the destruction it causes the innocent, especially children like Aiden. That's why God hates sin. Yes... God HATES... SIN. But he doesn't hate the SINNER. May God's peace, mercy and grace come upon you and His love overflow in your lives so that the source of His love is unmistakable. That you might know a joy so deep and profound that circumstances cannot extinguish it. May your son know that same love so deeply that nothing can shake him from that knowledge of true love. May you both be able to forgive Steve, so that you are not carrying that burden inside you. Remember... forgiving is just letting go of those feelings and giving them to God. It doesn't mean that you're OK with Steve's choices. It just means you're OK, DESPITE Steve's choices. He has to answer for his choices to God. That's why I'm praying for him, too. Jesus said that it would be better for a man to die, than to experience the consequences if he steers one of the innocent children off the right path. Ohhh... to know His wrath !!! How terrible ! Vengeance is MINE, said God. As I said, my prayers are for all of you.
    Love, Kevin

  4. Sadie, there is one thing I can tell you from my experience with James' absent, druggie father. It made James' love for his children stronger. He knows what it's like to be the "forgotten" child. He knows what it's like to be the one who didn't get birthday cards, christmas cards or even phone calls. I know he will never forget his boys and he'll never allow them to feel that way. James didn't have an easy row to hoe with his step dad either, he never quite cut the mustard and when Zac was born, it was clear, he never would. Even tho Zac was M's son, even HE never lived up to what M expected so both boys lost, James twice, Zac once. I doubt seriously that Zac will ever WANT children at all. He may have them, but he's much like his father, the Want is not there. I know that both my boys were loved by my parents and M's parents deeply but there is something about that "father's Unconditional love" Neither one of my boys ever got that and it shows today. I hope and pray that Aiden is different. I do feel that if Craig was NEVER given visitation by the courts, James would never have known him at all and THAT would have been better than knowing him and being left out in the cold. M did little better, ever the provider of THINGS but nothing more than that for either child. Mother's love is great but if you have to be both mom and dad, the road is not easy for you or the child. I love you kidd-o you know I do and I have always thought you were the most brave young woman I ever knew. Aiden is blessed to have you as his momma!

  5. This breaks my heart.

    Aiden has everyone he needs.