September/October 2019 recap - November 2019 Goals

I didn't recap my goals for September, or set goals for October this last month.  This was more out of laziness and lack of time than anything else.  My weight loss has slowed, though has not stopped, and it's difficult for me not to have the same successes that I had been having (and wrapping my brain around that, even though I know it makes sense), so I decided to take a step back.  I still managed to lose over 11 lbs in those two months. 

In October, I went to the gym 35 times.  I haven't been reading like I would like to, but I have made progress on some of my non-scale goals.  My closet has been cleaned out and organized.  I actually FOUND a pair of shoes I had forgotten about, brand new Fila sneakers, so that was a nice surprise.

I FINALLY got up the courage to block my narcissistic ex on all forms of social media, and his phone number.  After threatening to "turn me in" (for what, I have no idea) to my work, I let him know that there are some lines you absolutely cannot cross, and that was one of them. (Let my ED know that this threat had been made, and she told me to give him her name so he could ask for her directly, lol) It's been extremely freeing not worrying about him blowing up my phone at odd hours, or continually having to decline phone calls.  There is some crazy that nothing in this world is able to fix.

I am in a good place.  I have some amazing people in my life.  I am really very, very lucky.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I need to remember that more often.


November 2019 Goals
- Maintain weight.  If a loss happens, great.
- Do new measurements.
- New progress photos.
- Go to the gym at least 20 times.
- Christmas shopping - get the majority of it completed.
- Say "I love you" more often, and mean it.
- Finish 1 new book.
- Learn to love the silence, sometimes.
- Get a pedicure.
- Do ONE thing that scares me.

August 2019 Goals Recap - September 2019 Goals

I started the month of July on a boat, and I ended August on that same boat, in the middle of a lake, watching all of the stars above us.  I feel as though this entire summer, like most, went far too quickly.  I feel like I am a different person emerging on this end of the season.  I am enjoying my life, and those people around me.  For the first time in a very long time I am beginning to feel as though I belong where I am, in this moment.  And that's a good feeling.

I feel the changes in my body, even if I don't always see them.  I feel them in my face, in my collarbones, in my hands and feet, in my shoulders.  My wrists have shrunk.  A good friend referred to me as "dainty" the other day, which made me laugh, because for anyone who has ever known me, dainty is not something I exude. 

Sometimes I feel like I need to hurry up and get somewhere and do something and be someone.  (DO.GO.BE)  What I really need to do is take a deep breath, slow down, and enjoy the journey.  Things were not meant to be instant.  It's a step by step process, and I wish I could accept that easier.  I want everything and I want it now.  So essentially, what I'd like for Christmas this year is patience. 

AUGUST 2019 GOALS RECAP

Lose 4 lbs.  Be okay with losing 4 lbs.

- WIN! I lost 9.6 lbs.  In the last two months, I have lost 20 lbs!

Go to the gym 20 times.

- WIN! I went 31 times.  Several of those were double duty days.  I never missed a weekday.

Less cardio, more thoughts on strength.

- FAIL!  Why is this one so hard for me?

Finish 2 books.

- WIN! I finished The Outsider, All the Ugly and Wonderful Things, and Our Homesick Songs.  I am about 1/4 through The Silent Corner.

If you can't change it, let it go.

- Pending.  Every day I'm working on it.  I'm working on my reaction to things, as this is really the only thing I am able to control.

Finish closet organizing.

- FAIL!  Yeah, this and strength training.  Can't bring myself to do it!

Take progress photos.

- WIN!  I have taken several at the end of last month, and throughout this month.  I'm starting to look frumpy again with my pants not fitting correctly.

Stop kicking myself for the things I cannot control.

- See above with change.  I am doing better with taking deep breaths and letting certain things roll off.

If it's meant to be, it will be.  Let it be.

- Preach, sista.

SEPTEMBER 2019 GOALS

- Lose 4 lbs.  Be okay with losing 4 lbs.

- Go to the gym 20 times.

- Weights at least 6 times at the gym.

- Finish two books.

- Find and make 1 new recipe per week.

- Dance my ass off at the Kansas State Fair.

- Hug more.  Love more.  Show it more.

- Organize closet, start sorting through guest room.

- Accept what people have to offer.  Drink their milkshakes.  Take their love.

July 2019 Goals Recap - August 2019 Goals

July has taken my breath away.  

I began the month on a boat, in the middle of a lake, watching fireworks with a man who had his arm draped casually around my back, his hand on my hip.  I cultivated new relationships, rekindled old friendships, and stepped outside of my comfort zone in a way that I haven't for a long time.  

I allowed myself to melt a little.  I allowed the vulnerability to come to the surface.  Something I thought J had taken away, and made me cold.  I remembered that I am not cold.

I am told at least daily how much I've changed physically.  Sometimes by people I know, sometimes by near strangers.  While hearing it encourages me to continue doing what I have been doing, it also makes me more attune to the "invisible fat girl" that I was.

JULY 2019 GOALS RECAP

Lose 4 lbs.  Be okay with losing 4 lbs.
- This one is a HUGE WIN!  I lost 11.6 lbs.

Go to the gym 20 times
- WIN! I went 29 times.  Several of those I went twice in one day.

Take new measurements.
- WIN!  I actually took them this afternoon.  The last ones I took were the end of March, shortly after starting the keto diet.  Since then I am down 3 inches in my neck, 6 inches in my bust, 4.5 inches in my waist, and 4 inches in my hips.  No wonder my clothes don't fit.

Finish two books.
- WIN!  I finished The Good Girl, and just this morning finished The Outsider.

Buy new workout shoes.
- FAIL!  Any and all not necessary expenses have been suspended for the time being.  I will make my old shoes work for now.

Make a dentist appointment.
- FAIL!  See above.  Not necessary at this point in time.

1 week vegetarian keto
- FAIL!  Keto is hard.  Trying to get my fat and protein without meat was too hard and was causing undue stress.  I gave up two days in.

Organize my closet

- FAIL!  I am making progress, though.  Currently, half of my closet is draped and folded on my couch, so that's something, right?

Stretch nightly.

- WIN! Maybe not nightly, but definitely daily.

AUGUST 2019 GOALS

- Lose 4 lbs. Be okay with losing 4 lbs.

- Go to the gym 20 times.

- Less cardio, more thoughts on strength.

- Finish two books.

- If you can't change it, let it go.

- Finish closet organizing.

- Take progress photos

- Stop kicking myself for things I cannot control

- If it's meant to be, it will be.  Let it be.

June 2019 Goals Recap - July 2019 Goals

JUNE 2019 GOALS RECAP

Lose 5 lbs
- FAIL! Stepping on the scale today and I have only lost 3.

Continue doing keto
- WIN! I didn't make as many new things as I would have liked to, but I did eat a lot of different things, especially while on vacation.  I did NOT do one week meat free, though.

Go to the gym at least 20 times
- FAIL.  I went 18 times.  I made my step goal every day while on vacation, and I even went to the gym twice while in Florida.  I have a hard time making myself go on the weekends, though.  Maybe will make it next month.

Start and finish 2 books
- WIN!  I FINALLY finished A Game of Thrones.  I read The Woods, Daisy Jones and the Six, and I am about halfway through The Good Girl.

Apply lotion on a daily basis
- Surprisingly enough, this one is a WIN!  I've gotten into the habit directly after my shower, and it really helps keep my tan from getting ashy.

Begin weights
- Yet again, major FAIL on this one.

More laughter, less anger and sadness
- I have been having a difficult time in regulating some of my moods recently.  I think a lot of it has to do with my drastic change in weight over the last several months, and stress.  Stress absolutely kills my mental health.  I am reading and learning more about my diagnoses every day, and it helps to know that I am not alone in my struggles.  Maybe not more laughter, and not less anger, but this month was definitely less sad.

Do NOT get a sunburn in Florida

- There were a couple of days that I was a bit toasty, but I wouldn't say I got burned, as it never hurt.  It was also very warm, and I pink up in the heat.  So, WIN!

Remain silent when needed

- WIN! A month and a half no-contact, and every day hurts a little bit less.

I'm gonna be honest, this last month was a tough one.  It's tough for me to step on the scale and have there be little to no movement.  It's tough for me to go on vacation and say no to all of the delicious food that I would have previously eaten, and then get home and I haven't lost anything.  It's hard to not have clothes that fit, and not really be able to afford to go out and buy ones that do, so I just make what I have work.  It's hard when you miss someone, but you know missing them is better than the shit they put you through time and time again.  I am working on it.  I am working on seeing myself as others see me.  I am working at looking at myself through a lense that isn't completely distorted from years and years of self loathing.  I am trying.

JULY 2019 GOALS

- Lose 4 lbs. Be okay with losing 4 lbs.

- Go to the gym 20 times.

- Take new measurements.

- Finish two books.

- Buy new workout shoes.

- Make a dentist appointment.

- 1 week vegetarian keto.

- Organize my closet.

- Stretch nightly.

May 2019 Goals Recap - June 2019 Goals

MAY 2019 GOALS RECAP

Lose 5 lbs
- WIN! Officially lost 6.6 lbs.

Continue doing keto
- WIN!  I haven't been as closely monitoring my macros, but I am definitely still living the keto life.

Go to the gym at least 20 time
- FAIL.  I went 18 times.  Several of those were 2x a day. However, I spent five days in Tulsa the middle of the month, and walked more than 15k steps each day, didn't gain any weight, and didn't cheat on my keto.  Not once.

Have a kickass time in Tulsa
- WIN!  Kickass doesn't even begin the describe the pilgrimage to Mecca.  Throw on top of it my favorite band, and some of my absolute favorite women in the entire world, and the music is just beautiful icing on the cake.

Strength training
- *laughs hysterically* this is a major FAIL.  Other than random gardening, I haven't done anything remotely strength training.  I'm still trying to find my nerve at the gym, and when I'm home, I want to be outside. 

Read.  Finish GOT and start something a little lighter.  Finish that, too.
- Fail.  I am on the last few chapters of the book.  I will likely finish that up tomorrow.  I will then select an easy book for the next week before vacation, and then something super fun for the Florida vacay.

Let love in
- I don't know whether to count this as a win or a fail.  In so many ways, I have.  I have also let some of it go, or am in the process of doing just that.  Just because you love someone, and they love you, and you know that with all of your soul, doesn't mean they are good for you.  And vice versa.  I was tired of having to work so hard for so little.  And I have been writing about it. 
Not sure if it's writing anyone will ever see, except me, but it's something.  I am working on filling that hole inside of me that is ripped, and raw, and feels like it will never fit together again.  I had to let it go to make room for, hopefully, something better.  Even if that something is me.

June 2019 Goals
- Lose 5 lbs.  Be okay with only losing 5 lbs.
- Continue on keto.
            - find some new recipes.  At least one new meal a week.
            - try to do one week completely meat-free.
- Go to the gym 20 times.
- Start and finish 2 books.
- Apply lotion on a daily basis.
- Begin lifting weights.  If I can't handle that, squats and push-ups at home, twice a week.
- More laughter, less anger and sadness.
- Do not get a sunburn in Florida.
- Remember that not everything that happens, happens because of or in spite of me.  Most people don't think about me at all most days, and the ones who do matter will think of me kindly.
- Remain silent when needed.  It speaks louder than anything.

April 2019 Goals Recap - May 2019 Goals

APRIL 2019 GOALS RECAP
Lose 5 lbs
-  WIN! As of today, I've lost 8.6 lbs. 

Continue doing keto
- WIN! I did make some concessions this last weekend when my sister was in town for my birthday, and didn't keep track of my carbs, and ate half a pint of ice cream, BUT that's the only real "cheating" I did.  And I'm considering it more "indulging".

Go to the gym at least 20 times
- WIN! 21 visits as of today!

Finish A Game of Thrones, and start the next book
- FAIL.  I really need to make time for more reading in my life.

Run, when I can, when I feel like it, and because I want to
- I'll call this a WIN.  Toward the beginning of the month, my friend L wanted to start c25k.  I ran with her.  I didn't run otherwise, which was exactly what I wanted to do.  :D

Strength training, begin to think about how this will fit into my schedule.  Will this be something I do at the gym, or at home?  Start asking myself these questions.
- My PLAN is to do some body resistance training at home when I don't have to haul Aiden all over the place, and maybe half an hour of lifting at the gym in the evenings.  I need someone to help me stick to this one.

Get a pedicure
- WIN!  Got one this last weekend with my seester for my birthday!

Perhaps a brief weekend trip to the mountains? or at least out of central Nebraska.
- I wasn't able to swing that this month, however, I am taking a quick trip out to Loveland this Saturday.  So half-win.

Love, unconditionally, without reason, and do it for me, not for anyone else.

- Still trying.  Everyday.  Starting with myself.

May 2019 Goals: 

- Lose 5 lbs (this will take me to my first REALLY BIG goal weight wise... I will reward myself with a tattoo)
- Continue doing keto
- Go to the gym at least 20 times
- Have a kickass time in Tulsa
- Begin strength training
- Read.  Finish GOT, and start something a little lighter.  Finish that, too.
- let love in.

March 2019 Goals Recap - April 2019 Goals

MARCH 2019 GOALS RECAP:

Lose 5 pounds:
- As of this morning, I have lost 12.2 lbs this month, more than double my goal.  Super proud of this.

Go to the gym at least 20 times.  Attempt to go to the gym at least one day on the weekend.
- If I had gone to the gym today, it would have made 20 even.  There were some days I pulled doubles, once in the morning, once in the evening.  As of right now, though, 19 times.  I did go on several walks outside when it was nice out, instead of going to the gym.

C25K at least twice a week.
- FAIL.  I suck as this one.

Try the keto diet for at least a week.
-WIN!  This one is SO win.  I started March 4th, and tomorrow marks the start of my 5th week.  It hasn't been easy, but it has been easier than I thought it would be.  I'm doing what is referred to as "dirty keto", where I'm counting my carbs, and my macros, but still eating SOME processed food.  I attribute this to the extra weight I was able to lose this month.
I went through a couple of days of the "keto fog" where it was hard to concentrate.  I lost a lot of energy initially, but as of last week, my energy has returned, and then some.

Meal plan.
- WIN!  With keto there HAS to be a plan.  I have to meal prep, I have to decide what I'm making beforehand to make sure I have all of the right stuff.  It's getting easier if I plan ahead.

Make one new meal every week.
- WIN! Taco soup, Hamburger bake, Stuffed chicken breasts, zoodles, Alfredo over broccoli and chicken, lots of omelets, bacon crust pizza, riced cauliflower stir fry...

Finish Into The Water.  Start (and hopefully finish) a new book.
- WIN! to finally finishing that book.  I started A Game of Thrones.  I'm about 1/3 of the way through it and LOVING it.

Write down at least one thing a day I'm thankful for, appreciative of, or that made my day not so sucky.
-WIN!  Though I didn't share all of these, and I didn't physically write down a lot of them, I did make mental notes of all of the good in my life.  All of the laughter and support.  My relationship with my son.  Even on the shit days, there is so much good all around me.

Take body measurements.
-WIN!  I just did this tonight.  I also took some photos and compared them to photos taken a year ago, and the difference is very visible.  So, for body measurements, since the 1st of January...
*Neck: -1"
*Chest: -1"
*Bust: -2"
*Waist: -2.5"
*Hips: - 2.5"
*Thigh: L -2" R -2"
So.... I am down all the way around.  I have noticed the water retention in my ankles has decreased, i feel that my face, and legs, and torso are thinner.  It's about time I started noticing that all of this exhausting work is paying off.

- Lose 5 lbs
- Continue doing keto
- Go to the gym at least 20 times
- Finish A Game of Thrones, and start the next book
- Run, when I can, when I feel like it, and because I want to
- Strength training, begin to think about how this will fit into my schedule.  Will this be something I do at the gym, or at home?  Start asking myself these questions.
- Get a pedicure
- Perhaps a brief weekend trip to the mountains? or at least out of central Nebraska.
- Love, unconditionally, without reason, and do it for me, not for anyone else.

February 2019 Goal Recap - March 2019 Goals

FEBRUARY 2019 GOALS RECAP:

Lose 5 pounds.
- as of today's weigh in, I'm down 4.2 lbs since the first of this month.  I am down 10.8 lbs since January 1st, so right on track.

Go to the gym at least 20 times. 

- FAIL.  I went 12.  I could list all of the reasons why, but that's for another post.  I will say that I ended the month strong.

C25k at least twice a week.
- FAIL.  I redid week 3 after getting back from Jamaica.  Then the week of the 18th, shit went south.  I plan to start up again this month.  Repeat week 3, again.  I do find my body responding better to the running when I give it a little bit of a break.

Drink more water
- I'm counting this one as a win.  I have been drinking A LOT of tea, not just at home, but at work.  I also have found a water bottle I don't hate, and that's been my constant companion.

Meal planning - try to find a method not only for making the meals, but not overbuying at the grocery store.
- I actually started this more this week.  I plan to give the Keto plan a try this coming month, and I know without the planning, it will fall apart.  For the rest of the month, big fat FAIL.

Make one NEW meal every week.
- Yeah.  No.  FAIL.

Average no less than 10k steps a day.
- Other than the week of the 18th, this is a win.  Another month with a lot of miles.  I haven't added them up yet.

Read 2 books.
- We barely cracked any books in Jamaica.  I have found my concentration lacking the last few weeks, and I haven't finished Into The Water yet.  This weekend.

Make sure the kitchen sink, kitchen counters, and dining room table are clean, and wiped off every night before going to bed.
- There were a couple of days when this didn't get done, but for the most part, it's been a WIN!

Be mindful of negative self talk.
- I cannot remember the last time I have been so down in a really long time.  For the most part, though, I've been pretty happy with myself and my progress.

Buy fresh flowers, at least once.
- I didn't need to.  :) My Valentine sent me two dozen beautiful roses.

March 2019 GOALS:
- Lose 5 pounds.
- Go to the gym at least 20 times.  Attempt to go to the gym at least one day on the weekend.
- C25K at least twice a week.
- Try the keto diet for at least a week.
- Meal plan.
- Make one NEW meal every week.
- Finish Into The Water.  Start (and hopefully finish) a new book.
- Write down at least one thing a day I'm thankful for, appreciative of, or that made my day not so sucky.
- Take body measurements.

January 2019 recap, February 2019 goals

I am recapping my month a couple of days early, as this time tomorrow, I will be in Jamaica.  This trip is a long time in the making, and almost a year of planning, and it is going to be amazing.

That being said, here we go.


JANUARY 2019 GOALS: RECAP

Lose 5 pounds.
- As of yesterday morning I am down 6.6 lbs since the start of the month.

Take body measurements.
- DONE!

Go to the gym at least 20 times.
- As of this morning, and my trip to a foreign Anytime Fitness in Denver, I went 20 times.  I am going to try to make it to the resort gym at least a few times, so that number may be higher.

c25k at least twice a week.
- I finished W3D1 of c25k last Monday.  I know excuses are like assholes, but we had some really terrible weather, and were busy with things like concerts.  I plan to restart week 3 when I get back from vacation.  

begin strength training - weights, or body resistance 2x a week.
- This is something I need to do better with.  I did do body resistance workouts a few times, but not like I wanted to.

Average no less than 10k steps a day.
- This was a big fat WIN, other than weekends.  I will add it up when I get home, but I think I was close to 175 miles this month.

Read 2 books.
- Read Pet Sematary, and restarted Into The Water.  I will hopefully finish this in our time in the airport tonight and into tomorrow.  I plan to start the first Game of Thrones after that.

Get a pedicure before BTTI2019.
- DONE!  The color I picked is called Aloha!

Be mindful of negative self talk.
- This is a struggle.  I have my good days, and I have my bad days.  On my bad days I try to remember to talk to myself as if I was speaking to one of my friends.  I love my friends.  Unconditionally, and with all of their flaws.  I am trying to do the same with myself.

Clean mud room, and closet.
- Yeah, this one didn't get done.  At all.

Other than the emotional roller coaster that has been the government shutdown, this has been a good month.  I plan on wrapping up the month on the beach, with a drink in one hand, a book in the other, and one of my forever friends by my side.  I also plan on wrapping my arms around Taylor Hanson, and dying a happy woman.

February 2019 GOALS:

- Lose 5 pounds.

- Go to the gym at least 20 times. - this will be cutting it close, as it's a short month, and I'll be out of the country until the 3rd.

- c25k at least twice a week.

- drink more water
- meal planning - try to find a method not only for making the meals, but not overbuying at the grocery store.
- make one NEW meal every week.

- average no less than 10k steps a day.

- read 2 books.

- make sure the kitchen sink, kitchen counters, and dining room table are clean, and wiped off every night before going to bed.
- be mindful of negative self talk.

- Buy fresh flowers, at least once.

Welcome to a new year: 2019. FIND THE SPARK INSIDE AND LET IT BURN

My life, I'm sure like most other people's ebbs and flows.  Year after year goes by, and most of the time we don't bother to take a look at it until it's almost over.  I don't remember if I even wrote one of these last year.  This was a year of changes.  It was the first time in four years that I wasn't bogged down with classes.  Aiden's increased independence has given me some of my own back.  I dated one man, who I care for deeply, but our circumstances were such that we can't make things fall together right now due to distance and extenuating circumstances.  I haven't failed completely as a parent, as an employee, as a daughter or sister.  I bought a new car.  I made all of my house payments.  The year ended on a positive.  I am beginning this year 18 pounds lighter than 2018.

The things I battle the most are my own emotions.  So much of that, I know I have no control over.  There are only so many things I can do to stifle the demons, and some days I just have to let them come.  There are days when I have to lock myself in my room and do absolutely nothing, talk to no one, and just recharge.  These days are fewer.  The days when I am actually able to talk myself out of that darkness feels so empowering, that the next time I am in that place, I am that much more likely to attempt to overcome it.

So where does that leave me?  Resolutions.  But I am going to think of them more as guidelines to try to keep me in the right path this next year.

2019 GOALS:

-lose:

• 50 lbs.  I am keeping this relatively low, but also not going to short change myself.  With the changes I have made recently, I don't think this is too hard of a number to shoot for at less than a pound a week.
• negative self-talk
• toxic people
• excuses

-gain:

• strength
• flexibility
• indurance
• confidence in myself

- read 24 books, start to finish.

-continue to make better food choices.  (I've been seriously considering giving Keto a try, but I need guidance... anyone around to help me?)

-laugh, loudly, and so hard that I snort... on a regular basis.

-remind the people I love how much they mean to me, and regularly.

-continue to get a handle on my finances and start saving, even if it's small, it's something.

I have decided not to actively date for the next 12 months.  If something comes around, great, but I am not going to go out and look for anything.

JANUARY 2019 GOALS:

- Lose 5 pounds.

- Take body measurements.

- Go to the gym at least 20 times.

- c25k at least twice a week.

- begin strength training - weights, or body resistance 2x a week.

- average no less than 10k steps a day.

- read 2 books.

- get a pedicure before BTTI2019.

- be mindful of negative self talk.

- clean mud room, and closet.