July Goals 2012 : Review

- lose 5 pounds.
Nope.

- go to the gym 15 times.
Nope.  10.

- run, on average, three days a week.
Nope. I ran a lot the first half of the month until I pulled a calf muscle, and then re-pulled it in the 5k.  I just started back yesterday.

- have my first sizing of the maid-of-honor dress for my sister's wedding.
Nope.  Planning on going tomorrow over my lunch break.

- find shoes for the dress for my sister's wedding.
WIN!  I've decided to wear my black dressy sandals. 

- read.  more.
I'll call this a win.  I managed to start and finish one book. 

- write.  more.
I have been.  No one will ever see it, though.

- photograph.  more.
WIN!  Lots and lots.  I want to do more.

- maintain semi-clean apartment, stay on top of dishes, and laundry.
WIN!  Atleast better than the past.  I really need to get rid of a bunch of shit.

- go through clothes.  keep, donate, toss.
Nope.

- go see a movie at the theater.
WIN!  Aiden and I saw two.  Spiderman (which was actually really good, even though I really loved Tobey Maguire), and The Dark Knight Rises.

- kiss.  more.
*blushes*  oh yes I did!

- spend more evenings outside, pack sandwiches and spend them in the sun at the park, or at the pool, or in the back yard of a friend.
We spent an average of two nights a week at the pool at T's apartment this last month.

- improve my 5k run time for The Color Run (#2!) on the 14th.
Nope.  However, with a recently pulled calf muscle, and re-pulling it about 50 feet from the finish, I finished only 2 minutes slower.

- cook.  more.
WIN!  It hasn't been anything new or interesting, but it has been cooking :)

- regain my footing. 
I have some things that I need to say to some people.  These things, however, shouldn't be said.  Not everyone is able to handle the complete and absolute truth from someone.  In order for me to move forward, I am letting go of my anger, my hurt, my sorrow, and even a little bit of my broken heart.  I am throwing more love at the people in my life who can take it, and dish it back.  I AM happy.  I AM moving forward, and I AM so excited to see what this next month brings. 

The Good (because the bad is just too draining.)

I get so tired of thinking and talking about all of the bad there is in the world.  In my world.  I want to take a time out before the rest of this month is over, and instead of punishing myself for all the things I've done wrong, all of the bad, all of the heartache, I want to talk about the things I'm doing well, the things that make me happy.  All of the good.

- I am now in an officially committed relationship with a man who I have cared about, in one way or another, for nearly half of my life.  He introduces me to his friends, his family, and general acquaintances as "my girlfriend."  He kisses me in public without embarrassment or hesitation.  He kisses my forehead, my hand, my cheek, my eyelids, my shoulders.  He is tall, and I fit so very nicely into the crook of his arm over my shoulder, into the bend of his knees behind me in bed, up against his chest while laying on the couch watching movies.  He gets along with my friends and welcomes spending time with them, inviting them along with us back to his house, buying them shots, eating pizza with us and putting up with our obnoxious humor.  He makes me laugh, about nothing, about everything.  He makes me comfortable in my own skin.  I miss him when he's not around, but I'm not worried that the next text from him will be the last.  This is good.

- Money is so very tight right now, but through that I've been able to find a lot of ways to spend our time without having to spend much if any money.  We watch a lot of Netflix movies.  We spend evenings over at the softball fields, or at the pool at T's apartment complex, or at the splash park on the south end of town.  I have found several free movie coupons, and we've gone to see both Spiderman, and The Dark Knight Rises completely free.  We color.  We go for walks.  We read.  This is good.

- T and her boyfriend broke up earlier this month, and although this is a sad thing, it's also a good thing, for all parties involved.  I have my best friend back.  I know how selfish that sounds, but even though she lives less than a mile away, she and I didn't see much of each other when they were together.  Now, through me trying to keep her company because break ups suck, and her being able to pretty much do what she wants and not have to answer to anyone, we've been able to see each other often.  We swim, lay in the sun, watch softball games, and even go out to the bar.  This is good.

-  I am moving on from him.  Certain days are better than others, certain days blindside me.  Then today, he de-friended me on facebook, and it completely broke my heart all over again.  We had left things on good terms, and after all of the time and effort and love I had poured into everything I could with him, his children, and our relationship, and he doesn't even want to be my friend anymore.  He hurt me, I will never deny that.  I will forever be able to take the blame for that, however, because he had done it before.  I don't think ill of him, and I just want him to be able to find happiness not only outside of himself, but inside of himself.  There is so much good there, even if he can't see it right now.  I want him to get angry with me, yell at me, give me a reason to not want him in my life.  I have a feeling that this is a book that will never really be closed, it'll just remain open, waiting for the last chapter to be written, the last reasons given, the final goodbye.  I don't think I'll ever truly get the closure I need with this one.  When someone can't love you, all you can do is wonder "why?"  But this, too, is good.

- My calf is healing up well.  There are still mornings when it twinges a bit when I get out of bed, or if I move a certain way.  It's been over two weeks since I've ran, I'm going to give it a shot tomorrow, not push myself too hard or too fast, but I need to get my running shoes back on.  My stomach has started to pouch in a way I don't like.  Not to mention when I run, I feel better.  I am better.  And that is good.

You Twist to Fit the Mold That I am In

It's the middle of July.  Summer is more than half way over, and I feel as though I haven't done enough with it.  I feel like I've worked a lot, I've been out of town a lot, but still that I really haven't accomplished anything.

I have managed to learn quite a few things, some things I have known for a long time and I simply needed reminded of them, some of them are new.

I have some of the best friends that anyone could ever hope of having.  I have the type of friends who complete me on every single level imaginable.  They make me laugh, they hold me when I cry, they offer to tire-iron the kneecaps of anyone who hurts me.  They understand me.  We have hour long conversations based around the most obscene and ridiculous things.  We rub each other's feet, and cuddle in bed and plan bad movie nights.  All my life I've been searching for my soul mates, and I have them, right here, right in front of me.

Speaking of what is right in front of me... A tried and tested true friendship that has withstood nearly everything a person could throw at it.  Lies, and heartbreak, and distance.  School, and a child, and drug abuse.  Three plus years of little to no communication, and gradually, over the last three years, regaining all of that.

He has been there for me, unconditionally, through my last three (the third being a repeat of the second) breakups.  He has cried with me, gotten drunk with me, held my hair back and rubbed my back when I was puking from getting drunk.  He has babysat Aiden when I needed a night away.  He has seen me in every way possible.  Thirteen years is a long time to know someone, to care about someone, to not see what has been in front of you for so long.

It's almost shocking when my best friend tells me, "you know, he'd probably give you the moon, right?  It's the way he looks at you, it's always kind of been there, but lately it seems like more..." and it's something I hadn't seen, or hadn't really been looking for.  I can't explain how nice it is to spend time with someone and not constantly wonder what he's thinking or feeling, because I already know.  There are no awkward "getting to know you" conversations.  This is the boy that nearly broke my nose on his trampoline, who would talk to me on the phone when I was grounded and couldn't leave my house, who knew better than to say anything as I sat on my couch playing the Wii with tears streaming down my face.

Timing.  Is.  Everything.

I have also started to realize that my grief is infinite.   In D's and my last conversation while I was gathering my things into plastic bags, crying, trying to get myself heard, he told me that he cares about me.  The biggest lie of all time is, "I want to be your friend."  And after attempts at me being just that, (wishing him a happy father's day, wishing his oldest a happy birthday) and he hasn't spoken to me in a month and a half.  It breaks my heart and puts me in my place, but makes me realize what I knew 7 months ago before all of this started back up, before I fell even more deeply in love with him and his children, "I'm just a notch in your bedpost, but you're just a line in a song."  It's a hard lesson to have to learn twice.

The biggest thing on my mind now, and one of the things I wrote down shortly after the breakup in my random thoughts journal, was that it makes me sad that I have no one to watch or get excited about watching Breaking Bad with me.  The final season premieres tonight.  It was our show.  He got me into it.  I can still hear his laugh and see his face when we would talk in depth about it, when we would lose ourselves in the storyline and the absurdity of it all.  I miss that.  One of the many things.  But it still doesn't outnumber all of the many things that I do NOT miss.

I have ran two 5k's in the last month.  I have started taking more photographs and spending more time with the people who are able to love me back.  I am discovering things about someone who I had long let go of any hope of anything other than a strong friendship.  I am realizing now, more than ever, just how close to complete I can be.

I am happy.

I Will Miss You

I found this a few weeks ago, and it hit me so hard that I had to excuse myself from my desk at work and go have a moment to myself in the bathroom.  I wanted to put it here so that I can reference it when needed.  And I wanted to share it, because it really is beautiful.

 I have so many things I want to say, that I need to say, but I'm not ready to do all of that just yet. 

"Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?" 

I Will Miss You

Jun. 20, 2012

By Brinda Taparia

I will miss you fleetingly, for a second every now and then, in a moment of weakness or fragility. I will think about how good it felt, like an evanescent, elusive dream. Until I recall that was exactly why it collapsed. It never endures.

I will miss you achingly, until every little nerve inside of me sets itself on fire and wants to break apart and escape from the confines of this body to find you, because honestly, you were the glue. I will tremble and shake and realize with pain, with tears in my eyes. I will let it go. I will realize that it has turned into a torrential downpour, and like a dam bursting, I will not be able to control it. I will feel the barely-repaired pieces of my heart break again.

I will miss you with a strange sense of detachment. It will be at times when I am doing nothing, and suddenly you will make your presence felt throughout me. Maybe it will be that I still haven’t wrapped my head around your absence. I will know that it was for the best, but I will still wonder as to how my life would have been if things had been different.

I will miss you with bitterness, with darkness and anger I did not know I possessed. I will think of you in my darkest hour and will curse you for everything that is currently going wrong in my life and everything that will go wrong. I will imagine a life where you and I never collide and everything remains picture perfect. I will hate you for tainting the memories of a time never coming back.

I will miss you with a song on my heart. Reminiscing about our moments, so light and happy, I will find them full of an easy gaiety I found with no one else. I will know that we have limited time together so I’ll do my best to make the most of it. I will, at the same time, be afraid to give my all to you. You will leave soon enough, so I hope you will not hold it against me.

I will miss you even though you’re gonna be back. Those little habits of yours which annoy me to no end will be the things I miss the most. I will wait eagerly for your return. It will be filled with sweet anticipation.
I will miss you because you were once a part of my life, because you’re not here anymore and because it hurts.

July goals 2012

- lose 5 pounds.

- go to the gym 15 times.

- run, on average, three days a week.

- have my first sizing of the maid-of-honor dress for my sister's wedding.

- find shoes for the dress for my sister's wedding.

- read.  more.

- write.  more.

- photograph.  more.

- maintain semi-clean apartment, stay on top of dishes, and laundry.

- go through clothes.  keep, donate, toss.

- go see a movie at the theater.

- kiss.  more.

- spend more evenings outside, pack sandwiches and spend them in the sun at the park, or at the pool, or in the back yard of a friend.

- improve my 5k run time for The Color Run (#2!) on the 14th.

- cook.  more.

- regain my footing.

June goals 2012 : Review

 Trying to be more optimistic for this next month.  June pretty much sucked the life out of me.

- lose 4 pounds.  (one pound a week.  it's coming off so much slower now...) 
Fail. Didn't lose any. Ate like crap pretty much all month long.

- go to the gym 15 times.
 Fail. I made it nine times. I did go walk quite frequently, as well and running outside.

- run AT LEAST twice a week.
Win! Going to up it to three times a week in prep for the next run in two weeks.

- have a blast at my first official 5k at the end of the month.
Win! Some of the most fun I've had in a long time. Entry with photos will be posted soonish.

- read more often.
I finished Almost Moon, and I'm giving The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo a second try.

- get outside and ENJOY the sunshine (tan, yes please!)
Win! Yanney splash park a few times, lots of trail running. BBQ with friends and family.  I need to get back on my bike.

- practice yelling less.
I've been running on the bare necessities to make it through the days, yelling either comes out of frustration, or I don't say anything at all.

- take more photographs.
I took a bunch of three little boys at the beginning of the month, little did I know that would be the last ones we took together. Took a bunch at the Color Run.

- write more, even if no one but me sees it.
Yes. I've been keeping a random thoughts journal.

- keep in better contact with a handful of my favorite people.
I'm trying. Being a busy grown up sucks.

- smile more, think less.
Fail. Full out.

- apologize to no one for being exactly who I am.
Not only that, but demanding what I deserve even if that means I have to let go of the person I care very deeply for because all he has to offer me isn't good enough and because I deserve better than scraps he's managed to salvage of himself.

- remember to love ME.
It gets easier. Day by day.