Saturday, August 27, 2011

On Falling off the Wagon

I have my good days, and I have my bad days, but this week (probably more this entire month) I have completely fallen off the wagon.  What used to be a weekly ritual of going to the gym at least five days a week, has turned into one, or maybe two days.  What used to be a Sunday ritual of planning what I was going to eat for the following week, cooking brown rice and oatmeal, has turned into fly by my seat meal planning.  More eating out than I want, more guilt.  Entirely too much self-doubt. 

I'm glad I'm able to realize this early on, instead of letting it spiral out of control.  It's harder to keep track of my workouts when I'm not at the gym, especially when I don't write them down.  I've been biking, a lot, but it still doesn't feel like enough.  I still have 50+ pounds to go until I am where I want to be, where I have wanted to be for over a decade.

I am going to blame happiness.  The ever sought after thing, companionship.  Things with D are good.  They are SO good.  I am not trying to escape things like I once was, the gym being a way for me to do that.  Maybe I need to start looking at it as a way for me to escape these negative thoughts about myself.  I know I feel better when I exercise.  I know I feel better when I eat right, don't feel bloated and disgusting all of the time.  I know I feel better when I get on the scale every morning and the number has dropped, or remained the same. 

As a food addict, the giving up the greasy burgers, the french fries, the ice cream... that's the hard part.  Maybe not giving up, but eating in moderation.  Have you ever tried Weight Watchers?  Does it work?  Did it work?

I need someone to hold me accountable.  I also need to get my apartment back in order.  It is always very apparent to me my mental state when I look around and see the state of mess my apartment is in.  My mental state right now is "crazy and clinging to anything that will make me seem less so."

That being said, I am going to go shop. 


  1. I've done Weight Watchers! Not the meetings- that isn't for me personally, but I did it online. I'm a huge fan. I lost about 20 pounds on it and my sister just started and has lost almost 8. There are a LOT of great things about Weight Watchers. I am like you and I NEED that accountability, which they provide with the point systems and recording every single thing you eat all day. That is super helpful for me. Also, they taught me so much about portion sizes, especially in things like pasta and rice and sauces that I'm putting on pasta, etc. (I really like pasta....) That was a HUGE one for me, learning how much food I actually needed in order to be full.

    I think the best thing about WW is that it's NOT about depriving yourself. Since it's a points system, you can "save up" points for the end of the week for a couple beers and some cheesy Mexican food. You get 30 or 35 (I think?) random weekly points that can go anywhere throughout the week. You can blow them all at once on a girls night of drinking or sprinkle them throughout the week if you go over one of your days. I think that's GREAT. So you can a piece of chocolate cake at a birthday party if you want to because you KNOW how many points you have left.

    PLUS, and you'll like this I think, when you work out you EARN extra activity points for various things to add on to your weekly extra points. So those bike rides? Those will give you extra points to have a cheeseburger with fries. It sort of sounds like a reward system, but it definitely helped give me more motivation to hit the gym or something, you know. Like, I really want to not worry this particular weekend so I'm just gonna work out this week extra hard and then I'll have a ton of points to spare.

    I know it sounds like I'm shilling for them, but I swear, I had great luck with their website and I know lots of other folks that have as well. You can eat what you want. They are NOT about saying no fried food, no deserts, etc. Just like you said: in moderation and in learning more about portions. Oh and their website has GREAT recipes!

    It's not for everyone. For me the accountability helped a lot and also not feeling shamed by eating an enormous cheese quesadilla and margaritas on a Friday. Give it a try, I think they let you try it for free for some trial period or something?

    And I'm so glad to see you so happy :)

  2. There are ebbs and flows throughout this whole thing. Be gentle with yourself.