Monday, August 15, 2011
This one's to you and me, living out our dreams
Mother. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Writer. Cook. Artist. Hanson fan.
All of these titles I am comfortable with and within. I have spent a large chunk of my life altering all of these categories and people who fit into them, in order to make my life make sense.
I am a mother to a wonderful little boy who I cannot imagine a day without, even on the days when he's driving me crazy. I am a daughter to the two most amazing people on this planet. They are the type of people who others aspire to be like, and I am honored to be their daughter, even on the days when I sense their disappointment. I am a sister to my best friend. She is another amazing person who inspires people. Being a sister was something I wasn't really good at until I was older. I am a very fierce friend. My friends are my family, and that is why I choose to surround myself with these people. I have had some very toxic friendships in the past, and this is the one part of my life that I have been able to shape and to mold, and along the way I have met and loved some amazing and unique people. There is no rhyme or reason to my group of friends, other than they are all good people. Wonderful people.
There is one title that I've never been able to grow accustomed to, or know where my place in it belongs. Girlfriend. I over think things, and I'm a worrier. I've fallen in love with and lost too many times for my fragile little heart, and through all of that I've learned something about other people, but more important, I've managed to learn a lot about myself. I now know the things I will not tolerate in a relationship, and the little pieces that seem to fit best with mine.
D will tell me to stop freaking out. It is sometimes just what I need to hear. To give me the reality check that I don't need to fix things that aren't broken, and I don't need to find something broken, because there sometimes isn't anything to find. More times than not in the past few weeks I have had to shake my head at myself, tell myself to "stop it" and go about my life.
I am shell-shocked when it comes to love.
D is one of the most amazing men I've met in my life. (and I know he'll be reading this, too. *waves*) He is easy to talk to, and he makes me happy. It really is as simple as that. Or to me it is.
So one of my goals for this month was "be comfortable in the silences". I am working on it. I fall asleep in strong arms, even breathing, light kisses, and I am full of the silence.
And it is beautiful.
So in becoming one with the silences, I have also been able to fall into the roll as Girlfriend. It's not always easy for me, letting someone else drive the reigns some of the time, but it is fulfilling. It makes me happy. It makes me happy to make him happy.
We have been melding our little families together, and for the most part, we are functioning. Four boys and me. Dirt and water and smiles and screams of pure joy. BBQ grilling and movie watching and bike riding. Sweating and kissing and being.
Hello life. Hello happiness. Where the hell have you been?