Tuesday, July 5, 2011

like a fool for fire...

I am a good person.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  As a good friend once put it, my opinions and beliefs are kind, yet firmly non-negotiable.  I tend to give people second, third, even forth chances when they really do not deserve it.  I want to hold onto the people in my life, no matter what their purpose there, because losing someone for something silly is not an option for me.

What does this usually get me?  Heartache.

I have developed a very tight-knit group of friends who are my entire world, and there are days where I don't know what I would do without them.  "Sometimes family are the ones you choose."  I also have a knack for collecting assholes.

I freely admit that this is my own fault, and other than really fattening ice cream or melty cheese on corn chips, it's my only real weakness.  My own opinion of myself is so low (and this is through years of being told I wasn't good enough, that I needed to be better. Years of being made fun of for things I really had no control over) that any attention seems like good attention, even if it's the exact opposite.

I AM a strong woman, and I know better than this.  So why do I continue to go around in this vicious circle?  I can't become the player because I've been played too much.  I can't wear my heart on my sleeve because it gets stomped on time and time again.  I can't shut people out completely because then I get told that LOVE isn't a reality for me.  I am so afraid that if I don't take what I can get, that eventually I'll realize that I have nothing at all.

This is me, writing it down, putting it out there in the world for other people to see.  My flaws.  This is me promising to try to change it.  I have the right to be picky about the people I bring into my life.  I have the right to be who I am, whether it's open and fun loving, or closed off and brooding.  I am me.  I shouldn't have to apologize or change that, for ANYONE.

But then I am back to the question, if I am a good person, why hasn't someone else figured that out by now?

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