To sum it up...

I will be doing a year review post in the next couple of days, but I wanted to do a little sum up of my own that isn't necessarily goal related.

2011 allowed me to grow and love and hurt all in equal measures.

I started the year in a relationship with B.  In a decision I didn't see coming, he decided that we no longer needed to be together.  My biggest issue with all of that business was that there was no warning.  Everything was great until suddenly it wasn't.  It took me over six months to come to terms with that, and realize I was much better off without him.

I took a girl's only long weekend trip to Las Vegas with my sister.  Even though I was still carrying a lot of the demons from my failed relationship, I allowed myself to let loose, have a good time, and spent the majority of the weekend not think of anything other than having fun.

In May, my mother, father, Aiden and I all took a 9 day vacation in Florida.  Contrary to what usually happens on family vacations, we all got along famously.  We spent 4 days laying on the beach, swimming in the gulf, having cocktail hour with my 87 year old great aunt, ate WAY too much food, and laughed.  Then we spent two days at Disney, and two days at Universal Studios.  I returned from that trip about five shades darker, and more relaxed than I had been in years. 

I spent the first of the summer months sitting on my deck, drinking beer and reading books.  Aiden swam and played soccer and I tested the dating waters again.  I connected with D.  We had been casually talking since early February, but on a friend level.  I can't pinpoint when exactly that changed, but it happened fast and furious.

There was a comfort with him that I don't think I had felt in a long time.  It was drama free (for the most part, being that there were three boys under the age of 10 running around.)  He made me realize, once again, that I wasn't as emotionally broken as I thought I was.  I was able to care about someone.  I fell deeply in love with his children, I clung too tightly, and then he let me go.

After your son's father walks out of his life, nothing seems so bad any longer.  I took the breakup with D much better than I had with B, but I ached in different ways.  I threw myself into my friends, my art, and more importantly, myself.

I spent the last quarter of this year learning how to love myself, even if not perfectly, then just a little bit more than I had.  I am a dedicated and striving person.  I set goals, even if I don't meet them all, I do meet some of them.  I push myself to find out why things are they way they are, and change what is in my power to change.  Through this, I have learned that we all tend to be far harder on ourselves than other people would ever be capeable of being on us.  We hold ourselves up to this impossible standard, and I speak for myself only when I say I punish myself, continuously, for things that are either completely out of my control, or for things that happened so far in the past that they barely register on anyone's radar but my own.

I am me.  I love people too much, give too much of myself, and want endlessly for someone else to show even the slightest bit of that back in return.  I write in prose and attempt poetry. 

Bring it on 2012.  I will own you!



Christmas and everything in between

I recently read a really interesting article here about keeping the magic in Christmas. 

I was one of those children who believed in Santa long past his expiration date for many of my classmates.  I heard all of the talk, and I'm not sure if I just didn't listen to it, because I had a younger sister and I wanted to keep the magic alive for her, or if it was because I had a hard time letting go of Santa in the same way that I have a hard time letting go of a lot of things in my life.

I was 11, sitting in the bathroom at a playhouse in Republican City where I was in a stage production of Annie Get Your Gun.  I was by far the youngest cast member, and spent a large chuck of time by myself because of this.  I was on the verge of puberty, only having recently sprung boobie bumps.  Two women walked into the restroom to do their makeup and obviously didn't notice my little shoes underneath the stalls.  They proceeded to talk about how old THEY were when they found out that Santa, and the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth fairy weren't real.  I was crushed.

I hid this knowledge from my parents for as long as I possibly could, unwilling to part with the gifts such naivete afforded me.

Anyway, the purpose of this diatribe was because this is Aiden's 9th Christmas.  The excitement for Santa is fading, along with the belief.  He hasn't quite put all of the pieces together, but he knows enough to know that something is up.  He knows enough to question why the Santa helpers at the mall and downtown, if they're elves, why are they normal person size.  He wasn't as excited tonight about setting out cookies and milk (although he was very convincing in that it had to be milk and not orange juice.)  My little boy is growing up, and like my best friend T said to me the other day, "He's become a real person, not just a baby."  It makes my heart proud, but nostalgic all at the same time.

Regardless of what you believe, or what you may happen to celebrate, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of you.  I hope you all are surrounded by people you love (or at least like a whole lot.)  I am lucky to have this extremely small in number but HUGE in love and laughter family.  They are my best friends, and they complete me in ways I could never explain.  My heart hurts for people who never know that kind of love, giving or receiving.

Love always,
Sadie

Letter to all (straight, looking for a relationship, single) men.

I wrote this a week or so ago.  Wasn't planing on posting it, but it still makes me giggle, so here you go.

----
Dear single (or as my luck would normally have it, not so single) men of the world (or more specifically south-central Nebraska),

No, I do not want you to send me a text message photo of your penis.

I am aware that there are some really good guys out there, but chances are, you are not one of them, no matter how many times you may claim to be.

There is nothing wrong with me. I don't need to be changed, or persuaded, or saved.  Even though I am extremely strong in my political beliefs, I also understand that other people have differing opinions than myself, let's have a conversation about it rather than an arguement.

No, I will not send you a text message photo of my breasts.

Chances are, no matter how cool you actually believe yourself to be, unless your name is Johnny Depp, you are NOT cool.  You are a loser.  You are single for a reason, or many reasons.  You are most likely not worthy of my time or attention, and the fact that I'm giving you this much is a miracle.  I am worth waiting around for if I tell you I'm not ready for a defined relationship.

I am strong and independent and able to support myself.  I can unclog a drain, fix a dryer belt, and unclog a garbage disposal.  I don't need you for any of those things.  I work hard, and I play hard, but I also really enjoy spending quiet nights at home on my couch with a book or a movie.

No, I do not want to feel your abs.

I have been hurt in the past, just like you, and I may hold some of the past pains up to the things you are offering me.  I will be upfront and honest about doing this, and I expect the same.  We can work it out, together.

I do not need to be told every other sentence how beautiful you think I am.  It's nice to hear it every once in a while, but if you say it too much, I start thinking that the only reason you want to spend time with me is because you think I'm so beautiful.  I am so much more than my appearance.

I can be a bitch.  A real, honest to God, raging bitch.  If I bite your head off, I promise I will eventually make up for it.  I have a good sense of humor, but I will not laugh at your pathetic attempts at humor.  I will not laugh at pathetically stupid movies.  I will laugh if you happen to drop food on your shirt, or spill your drink on your lap.

I will give you the world on a silver platter, but I expect nothing less in return.  I will be your rock.  I will be your shoulder to cry on, your arms to comfort, and the voice on the other end of the line when you need nothing more than a voice.

I am not asking you to give me the world.  I am perfectly capable of going out and seizing the world by the balls on my very own.  I just want you to give me all of you.  Every honest, raw, disgusting little bit.  You have to listen when I talk, not just pretend to.  You can't talk to me like I am either a child, or one of your employees, because I am neither.

Oh, and it'll probably help your case if you are good in bed.

All my (maybe) love,
Sadie

December Goals 2011

 Just a couple of days late on my December goals.  You'll have to forgive me for that as it was my son's 8th birthday on the 1st, we had a sleepover with his best friend on the 2nd, and yesterday we went to see Happy Feet Two and did Christmas shopping.  So, here we go.

- go to the gym 12 times.  I'm going to be realistic and 15 this month may be pushing it.  If I can do 12 or more, I'm going to be extremely happy with myself.

- maintain my weight.  Once again, a more realistic goal.  It's the holidays, there is going to be a lot of good food, a lot of drinking, and a lot of family.  I am not willing to sacrifice all of that (and the family togetherness) in order for the scale to drop.  I'm going for balance in my life.

- cook at least TWO new meals, and document.

- do the 30 day shred, or any other Jillian the Devil video once a week.  Twice is too taxing, especially now.  I hate her.

- continue to let go of the negative.

- keep the apartment at an acceptable level of clean.

- go through, sort out, donate/give away clothes that Aiden no longer fits into.  With birthday clothes, he should be able to make it to Christmas without wearing high-water pants.

- lotion.  Everyday.  If I stop doing this I get scaly.  I know this by now, so I shouldn't have to put it in a goal, but I get lazy, dammit.

- finish the book I'm currently reading.

- finish one piece of art that has been started and set aside for an indeterminate amount of time.

- drink more WATER.

- take myself to a movie, any movie.  eat a bag of popcorn with butter, drink a soda, and enjoy my own company for a few hours.

- don't allow anyone to treat me like I deserve less.  Don't let anyone try to sell me short on what I really want and really deserve.  I am NO ONE'S second best.

November Goals - Review

- go to the gym 15 times.
WIN!  Today was #16.  I would have been there at least four more days, but the gym closed down for a location move two weeks ago, and I was sick the last two Mondays.

- lose 5 lbs. 
WIN!  Stepping on the scale tonight, I'm down 7.

- cook at least TWO new meals, and document.
WIN!  Made Hawaiian Chicken with Pineapple and Pepper Rice.

Also made Low-Fat Chicken and Pesto Shells with Homemade (courtesy of my mom) Pasta Sauce. 

- do the 30 day shred, or any other Jillian the Devil video twice a week.
Did it five times this month, so that's a little over once a week.  Tried doing it one morning when I couldn't sleep and that was the beginning of my stomach flu and I threw up half way through... Have had an aversion to it since.

- start the process of letting go of the things in my life that are bringing me down.
This is always a learning process.  I'm working on it.

- tell myself ONE good thing about myself every day.
WIN!  I went even farther than that and posted to facebook every day.  It wasn't always easy, and I have chronicled them together in a word document that I am going to print out.

- love unconditionally and endlessly from the tips of my fingers all the way to my heart. 
This one remains to be worked on.  I met someone, but his feelings were a lot stronger than mine were and he wasn't willing to stick around and wait for me to be ready.  He obviously wasn't the one.  I'm okay with it.

- "accept what people have to offer, drink their milkshakes, take their love."
See above.

- read two books from start to finish.
FAIL!  Read one.  I don't remember the name of it right now, but the same author as The Pilot's Wife.  It was good.  I am about half way through with Devil in the White City.  It's interesting but a bit of a slow read.

- finish one piece of art that has been started and set aside for an indeterminate amount of time.
WIN!  have my paint set out, and I'm sitting down to finish my first canvas tonight.

- drink more red wine.
WIN! This was the easiest one on my list!  Last night I even got to taste a friend's homemade dry red wine (made with grapes, watermelon, and cherries!).  Divine.

- take myself to a movie, any movie.  eat a bag of popcorn with butter, drink a soda, and enjoy my own company for a few hours.
Went to see Breaking Dawn twice.  First time with Tancy, second time with my mom and sister.  Not alone, but totally worth it.

- start to forgive.  everything.  everyone. especially myself.
I would say that this month was one giant step forward.  I'm not angry anymore.  I'm not so much hurt any more.  I am okay with things.  I am more okay with me than I have been in a long time, maybe ever.  Please feel free to remind me of this when I'm complaining again about something I have little to no control over. :)

Bring it on DECEMBER! 

"We feel it's unacceptable to be fat, when it has nothing to do with who the person actually is." -Gwyneth Paltrow

 For a very long time I have thought being fat meant being unattractive.  (This is only in regards to myself.  I have always found voluptuous women more attractive and easier to talk to than the skinny ones.  This is my own image of myself I'm talking in regards to.)  And being unattractive meant being ugly.  So this in turn meant that if I was fat, I was ugly.  I have been fat for a while now.  Fat people are invisible, and it's only now after I've lost close to 60 pounds, fit into sizes I haven't fit into since high school, and am actually able to look at my body and not completely hate it, that I'm just starting to realize this.

What I haven't yet learned is if we as fat people are invisible because society makes us that way.  It's not polite to stare at the fat girl, so instead we're just going to pretend she doesn't exist?  Or is it to do with my self esteem growing as my weight is shrinking?  Are people more apt to talk to me in the halls at work, in the grocery store, on dating sites, because I'm more likely to talk to them rather than avert my eyes and continue to be invisible?

In this month of reinvention, I have been reading blogs of people who at least appear to have their shit together.  They love themselves for who they are and nothing more, but certainly nothing less.  Things I have a problem with?  The majority of these bloggers are skinny girls who have always been skinny girls (not that there's anything WRONG with that) but I just can't relate to them.  In my own mind I'm thinking "Of course you're happy!  You've never been called fat!  You've never gone into a clothing store and not been able to find something you could fit into!  You have no idea what unhappiness is!"  All of this I know is completely false and everyone knows what it's like to be unhappy about one thing or another, but it's nearly impossible for me to follow the advice of a stranger telling me "love yourself!" when they've never REALLY been in my shoes.

Now onto the question of do I love myself?  More so now than probably ever.  I get very disappointed in my lack of progress over the last few months, but then I put on my clothes and they're all baggy.  I shave my legs and I don't get winded.  I can see and feel the definition of muscles in my legs and arms and back and shoulders and waist that I have never been able to feel before.  I can walk at an 8 degree inclined treadmill, and yes, I get winded, and yes, I get sweaty, but I can do it.  I sleep better at night (most of the time) and it's so much easier for me to get up in the morning.  There are still days when I absolutely hate myself and who I am and what I look like, but those days are fewer and farther between.

Now, onto the dating.  I have a really hard time believing someone when they tell me I am beautiful.  I have never taken compliments well, and when we get back to the whole fat = ugly issue, and there is a huge mess.  I chalk it up to taking good photos, and of course I wouldn't post the ones that are bad.  I take probably five bad photos to every one good one.  I am squishy and short and kind of have an attitude problem on even the best of days.  Beautiful?  Pft.  Stop lying.  It's also one thing to have someone tell you you're beautiful online. (which, sadly, is where I do most of my dating...) But to have them tell you in person, to your face, and your first response is "Shut UP!"

There's something wrong with me.

So, for any fellow fatties out there, what do you think?  Invisibility because that's what society is taught to do, or do we seclude ourselves from people unintentionally to try to hide our size?  Or a combination of both?  And what can we do to end it?

I guess that I don't need that, though, now you're just somebody that I used to know

Happiness is a fickle thing.  It ebbs and it flows just like every other aspect of life, so why am I just starting to figure this out now? 

This last month has been a month of attempting to rediscover myself.  I have met some new people, read some really fantastic books, and watched more movies than I had planned to.  I have been able to spend more time at the gym than not, and my gym actually closed down for four days while they moved to a new location (which I am still getting used to.)

A close friend said something to me a few weeks ago that really hit home.  She said, "Being angry with someone is like you drinking poison, and expecting him to die from it."  Hello open eyeballs.  I have been trying to incorporate this into more aspects of my life than my personal.  Work especially.  I don't necessarily walk around all day pissed off, but I know I do spend a good portion of it completely frustrated.

My mind has cleared in ways that are more evident in my home life.  I've started cooking again.  I've managed to keep my living spaces picked up and mostly clean for close to a month (and for those of you who know me in any capacity, you know this is a feat in and of itself.)  I have folded the laundry within 24 hours of it being dry.  I have done the dishes every night.  My mind is cleared, therefore my life is a lot more put together.

I want to write about some of the personal changes I've gone through in the last two years since I started actively trying to lose weight, but I don't feel like I'm quite ready at this time.

I have been dealing with some health related issues, mostly hormone imbalances which I am starting to believe are linked to my birth control, but I'm starting to believe that the weight loss has played a part in this as well.  I've started to seriously look into getting an IUD after the beginning of the year.  I'm tired of irregular cycles and excruciatingly tender breasts, and mood swings.  I know you might not want to hear about all of that, but you know what?  It's my life, and this is something I'm dealing with right now.

I want to leave you with a song that was shared with me this last week.  Very rarely do songs come along that will change you mind and soul.  This is one of them.  Another completely eye opening moment. 
Gotye : Somebody that I used to know