Wednesday, December 28, 2011

To sum it up...

I will be doing a year review post in the next couple of days, but I wanted to do a little sum up of my own that isn't necessarily goal related.

2011 allowed me to grow and love and hurt all in equal measures.

I started the year in a relationship with B.  In a decision I didn't see coming, he decided that we no longer needed to be together.  My biggest issue with all of that business was that there was no warning.  Everything was great until suddenly it wasn't.  It took me over six months to come to terms with that, and realize I was much better off without him.

I took a girl's only long weekend trip to Las Vegas with my sister.  Even though I was still carrying a lot of the demons from my failed relationship, I allowed myself to let loose, have a good time, and spent the majority of the weekend not think of anything other than having fun.

In May, my mother, father, Aiden and I all took a 9 day vacation in Florida.  Contrary to what usually happens on family vacations, we all got along famously.  We spent 4 days laying on the beach, swimming in the gulf, having cocktail hour with my 87 year old great aunt, ate WAY too much food, and laughed.  Then we spent two days at Disney, and two days at Universal Studios.  I returned from that trip about five shades darker, and more relaxed than I had been in years. 

I spent the first of the summer months sitting on my deck, drinking beer and reading books.  Aiden swam and played soccer and I tested the dating waters again.  I connected with D.  We had been casually talking since early February, but on a friend level.  I can't pinpoint when exactly that changed, but it happened fast and furious.

There was a comfort with him that I don't think I had felt in a long time.  It was drama free (for the most part, being that there were three boys under the age of 10 running around.)  He made me realize, once again, that I wasn't as emotionally broken as I thought I was.  I was able to care about someone.  I fell deeply in love with his children, I clung too tightly, and then he let me go.

After your son's father walks out of his life, nothing seems so bad any longer.  I took the breakup with D much better than I had with B, but I ached in different ways.  I threw myself into my friends, my art, and more importantly, myself.

I spent the last quarter of this year learning how to love myself, even if not perfectly, then just a little bit more than I had.  I am a dedicated and striving person.  I set goals, even if I don't meet them all, I do meet some of them.  I push myself to find out why things are they way they are, and change what is in my power to change.  Through this, I have learned that we all tend to be far harder on ourselves than other people would ever be capeable of being on us.  We hold ourselves up to this impossible standard, and I speak for myself only when I say I punish myself, continuously, for things that are either completely out of my control, or for things that happened so far in the past that they barely register on anyone's radar but my own.

I am me.  I love people too much, give too much of myself, and want endlessly for someone else to show even the slightest bit of that back in return.  I write in prose and attempt poetry. 

Bring it on 2012.  I will own you!

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