Tuesday, November 29, 2011

"We feel it's unacceptable to be fat, when it has nothing to do with who the person actually is." -Gwyneth Paltrow

 For a very long time I have thought being fat meant being unattractive.  (This is only in regards to myself.  I have always found voluptuous women more attractive and easier to talk to than the skinny ones.  This is my own image of myself I'm talking in regards to.)  And being unattractive meant being ugly.  So this in turn meant that if I was fat, I was ugly.  I have been fat for a while now.  Fat people are invisible, and it's only now after I've lost close to 60 pounds, fit into sizes I haven't fit into since high school, and am actually able to look at my body and not completely hate it, that I'm just starting to realize this.

What I haven't yet learned is if we as fat people are invisible because society makes us that way.  It's not polite to stare at the fat girl, so instead we're just going to pretend she doesn't exist?  Or is it to do with my self esteem growing as my weight is shrinking?  Are people more apt to talk to me in the halls at work, in the grocery store, on dating sites, because I'm more likely to talk to them rather than avert my eyes and continue to be invisible?

In this month of reinvention, I have been reading blogs of people who at least appear to have their shit together.  They love themselves for who they are and nothing more, but certainly nothing less.  Things I have a problem with?  The majority of these bloggers are skinny girls who have always been skinny girls (not that there's anything WRONG with that) but I just can't relate to them.  In my own mind I'm thinking "Of course you're happy!  You've never been called fat!  You've never gone into a clothing store and not been able to find something you could fit into!  You have no idea what unhappiness is!"  All of this I know is completely false and everyone knows what it's like to be unhappy about one thing or another, but it's nearly impossible for me to follow the advice of a stranger telling me "love yourself!" when they've never REALLY been in my shoes.

Now onto the question of do I love myself?  More so now than probably ever.  I get very disappointed in my lack of progress over the last few months, but then I put on my clothes and they're all baggy.  I shave my legs and I don't get winded.  I can see and feel the definition of muscles in my legs and arms and back and shoulders and waist that I have never been able to feel before.  I can walk at an 8 degree inclined treadmill, and yes, I get winded, and yes, I get sweaty, but I can do it.  I sleep better at night (most of the time) and it's so much easier for me to get up in the morning.  There are still days when I absolutely hate myself and who I am and what I look like, but those days are fewer and farther between.

Now, onto the dating.  I have a really hard time believing someone when they tell me I am beautiful.  I have never taken compliments well, and when we get back to the whole fat = ugly issue, and there is a huge mess.  I chalk it up to taking good photos, and of course I wouldn't post the ones that are bad.  I take probably five bad photos to every one good one.  I am squishy and short and kind of have an attitude problem on even the best of days.  Beautiful?  Pft.  Stop lying.  It's also one thing to have someone tell you you're beautiful online. (which, sadly, is where I do most of my dating...) But to have them tell you in person, to your face, and your first response is "Shut UP!"

There's something wrong with me.

So, for any fellow fatties out there, what do you think?  Invisibility because that's what society is taught to do, or do we seclude ourselves from people unintentionally to try to hide our size?  Or a combination of both?  And what can we do to end it?


  1. i'm thin and i'm never called beautiful. so i guess skinny = ugly too. i'm invisible not because i'm fat but for the same reason you talked about in the earlier part of your entry - people aren't likely to talk to me because i am quick to avert my eyes, stay silent.


  2. I think that we hide ourselves. The self confidence isn't there, so we avoid those who we think would be the ones to judge us. I will admit that girls are harder on eachother than anyone else, but we are far more self critical than judgemental of others. I think that, for me, I place what I THINK others opinion will be on me long before I let them make their own assesment. Being overweight isn't just what we look like, it becomes who we are. And I think we do this to ourselves :(

  3. I know what it is like to be fat (at least as a child)...in 6th to 8th grade I was very overweight and have VERY low self confidence! I was the kind of kid that put his swimming suit over his belly button to make myself look skinnier. I got made fun of all the time, and because of that, I let myself go down a vicious cycle of self loathing.

    I think the thing that makes the ultimate difference, is a person's attitude, no matter their shape or appearance. Everyone on this earth fakes it until they make it! The thing is, most people don't realize this and they believe everyone else is just naturally better, happier, more successful than they are. This is all a bunch of bull shit.

    I have fat friends, skinny friends, and average shaped friends...The ones that I like the most, don't give a shit about what other's think. They don't do this in a negative/pissy way, they do this in a confident, I'm going to be myself way...and they are VERY kind to everyone around them (this is key)!

    The more we love ourselves first, the more we will realize that our bodies deserve as much attention as our minds or hearts. That's when you can stop faking it, because you're truly making it!

    Be kind, gracious, generous and treat yourself like you deserve every positive thing this world has to offer...Don't get walked on and be quick to forgive stupid actions by stupid people (friends or the random idiot you just met that made a 6th grade fat joke). It's also VERY okay to say "fuck off" to certain people that are poisonous to you and your well being...even if they're blood. Poisonous family or friends are not worth having in your life...we all deserve the best people we can surround ourselves with!

    My thoughts anyway!