Friends on Fridays - Boy #2

Josh and I have been friends for a LONG time.  We're talking 12+ years long time.  His family was my family my last two years of high school.  If I wasn't at home or at work, you could bet money on me being at Josh's house.  We would cuddle under his blue sleeping bag and take naps.  I would lay on his living room floor while he banged continuously on his drums.  This is the boy who nearly broke my nose on his trampoline.

Josh and I fell out of touch in the months before I got pregnant with Aiden.  For a long time I thought I was in love with him, and I was certain that he would never be able to feel the same things back, or that he wanted to, but would never allow himself to.  It's amazing how things like love get jumbled up in our hearts and our heads when we're young.

It took me close to a decade to realize that my love for this boy was not the love you felt for a lover, but rather the love you felt for a friend, or a brother. 

In the last year, more than ever, Josh has served as my sounding board.  He is always there when I need him, only a text message away.  He has assured me, on too many occasions to count, that I am not a terrible mother, that I am not a terrible friend, that people LOVE me.  He makes his point known in a way that is loving but firm.  There is a no nonsense stance to him, and it has only ever gotten stronger as we've gotten older.  This man probably knows more about me than most people, only because he's known me long enough to be able to call me on my bullshit.  When he tells me things, I know they are true.  There is no questioning with Josh.

He took care of me when I was too drunk to walk.  He was my textual shoulder to cry on in the several occasions when it felt like my world was crumbling in on itself for various reasons.  He is the constant reassurance that I have a friend, who wants to be my friend, simply for the sake of being my friend.

I spent a lot of my high school years being mad at him.  Not for what he did, but what he failed to do, and that was fall head over heels in love with me.  Only now am I realizing that perhaps he did, but it was just a different kind of love.

Cheers, Josh.  Here's to another decade of pissing each other off and being there all at the same time.  I love you!

Friends on Fridays - Heterosexual Lifemates

Tancy and I met back in early May of 2004.  Aiden was just over five months old, and Tancy was around 6 months pregnant, and as round as a beach ball.  She was loud and crude, and frankly, scared the poop out of me.  We worked together for around 4 years before she changed departments.  We stayed in contact through random run-ins at work, our children's birthday parties, and going to friend's places and drinking.  I can honestly say that there wasn't ever a time I DIDN'T like her.

It was because of her that I was finally able to get out of the Nutrition department at the hospital.  She vied for me for Materials Management, talked me up, and finally walked into my boss's office one day and just said "Are you going to hire Sadie now?"  He did.

Over the last two years, she has become sort of like a lifeline for me.  She is the person who is (usually) always there, via text or phone when I need her.  She is a realist who will not sugar coat things.  She tells me things like they are, whether or not I want to hear them.  She plays a very good devils advocate, but at the same time is excellent at listening without giving opinions.  She is my wife.  There is no other way to describe her.  No one on this planet can read me better than she can.  We fight like we're married, we party like we're siblings, and she has brought out a part of me that I didn't know was buried in there for a very long time.

She has been there through two of the toughest breakups of my life.  She has listened to me cry, and let me be the crazy drunk.  She hasn't judged when I tell her that I want to sit at home and eat a pound of chocolate and not talk to anyone all weekend long, and she proudly wears her "team edward" shirt next to me in the theater while I'm wearing my "team jacob" shirt.  We have seen the last two (soon to be three) twilight saga movies at the theater around noon on opening day.  It took me seven years, but I finally talked her into reading the Harry Potter series.

She shares my love of books, sexy male celebrities, and noisy body functions.  This woman can burp like no man I have EVER heard burp before.  We both have seven year old boys, so stories about wieners and them walking around naked, are endless.  She, literally, lives next door to me.  Our bedroom windows face each other, and though we don't make a habit of looking into each other's bedroom windows (though we have had a conversation or two through them in the afternoons and early evenings,) it's sometimes just nice to know, as a single person, that one of my favorite people is only 15 seconds away.

Do I always like the decisions she makes, or the things she chooses to do?  Hell no.  But I think she knows that I will support HER no matter what her decisions are, even if I don't agree with them. 

This next Tuesday is her last day in my department at the hospital.  She's moving on to bigger and better things.  "You're going to be so mad at me!" was the phone call I got when she told me about being offered a new position elsewhere.  And I'm not mad.  I am so beyond happy for her.  Neither of us is destined to remain a Supply Tech for the rest of our lives.  We're both too smart and driven for that.  She just happened to be the first to make it out of the trappings of the catholic health system.  I am so happy, and boundlessly proud of her for that.  It's really going to SUCK not having my best friend there day in and day out.  I'm going to have to find other people to converse with, seek advice from, and waste my time with.  I have no doubt that I'm going to get by just fine without her there, it's just not going to be as enjoyable.

So this is to my heterosexual lifemate.  My wife that we don't touch wet spots.  I love you!

November Goals 2011

We're going to pretend that I never made any September goals (even though I managed to keep the majority of them, the rug was sort of pulled out from under me at the end of the month, and the desire to document ANYTHING kind out went out the window with it), and that the month of October did not exist.

In doing this we're going to skip over what I'm referring to as my "dark time" (read: my hair, specifically) and move on to November, which will be bigger and better and much more entertaining.

- go to the gym 15 times.  (made it there 15 in October... this CAN be done)

- lose 5 lbs.  (I'm optimistic that it will actually be more, but 5 is a good place to start.)

- cook at least TWO new meals, and document.

- do the 30 day shred, or any other Jillian the Devil video twice a week.

- start the process of letting go of the things in my life that are bringing me down.

- tell myself ONE good thing about myself every day.

- love unconditionally and endlessly from the tips of my fingers all the way to my heart.  Just because people don't love me, doesn't mean I can't love them, and it doesn't mean that other people can't love me.

- "accept what people have to offer, drink their milkshakes, take their love."

- read two books from start to finish.

- finish one piece of art that has been started and set aside for an indeterminate amount of time.

- drink more red wine.

- take myself to a movie, any movie.  eat a bag of popcorn with butter, drink a soda, and enjoy my own company for a few hours.

- start to forgive.  everything.  everyone. especially myself.

The Wedding Slim Down

My sister is getting married this next September.  She and I have both decided that there needs to be some changes before this can happen.  It's hard to have a workout/diet partner that is 6+ hours away from you, but we're going to give it a try.

I'm sending this out into the universe as a way to hold myself accountable.  We have a food and exercise schedule.  We are going to take it one week at a time.  7 days.  And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited.

So, here's my shout out, to all of you, for some good, lowfat, filling recipes.  Anything rice or bean related is a plus.  Soup recipes.  Send them my way!

Friends on Fridays (giving something new a try)

In my desire to start loving myself (even if it's just a little bit), I have decided to start doing something on Fridays in which I give back a little bit of the love that I get.  I want the people in my life to know how much I care about them, how thankful I am that they are in my life, and the debts I owe to all of them are endless.  I have so many friends that I consider to be my family that I know this will take me a long time to get through everyone, but I think it'll be worth it.

It wasn't hard try to figure out who I was going to start with.  Over the last thirteen years, this woman has been a shoulder for me to cry on.  We finally met face to face 8 years ago, and though I don't see her nearly enough, she is there for me in ways that most people who are HERE are not.  She understands me without judging, she loves me without asking for anything in return.  She has been my rock through my last two break-ups.  The person on the other end of the phone when I am a blubbering mess and crying so hard that I can't even get the words out.

She is fierce and fabulous, beautiful and genuine.  The most real person I know.  She would give a stranger her coat, defend a friend for no other reason than they are her friend, and she can make even the most traumatic of situations bearable.  She has made me laugh when I am crying. 

She is Clare.

Clare and I met online, back in the late summer of 1998.  We shared a love of Hanson, and of writing and creating websites to feature our writings and photos and boring high school lives.  We met for the first time in 2003 when I was about 6 months pregnant.  We bought her a scalped ticket for the Hanson show, ate a pizza that was bigger than both of our heads combined, and she protected me and my ever growing belly in a sea of women trying to get on stage.  She grabbed Taylor's pinkie finger and held on for dear life.

I talked with her on the basement stairs at D's house when things were good with us.  I whispered quietly to her about how much I loved him.  She was the first person to call me when I sent out the S.O.S. the night we broke up.  She stayed on the other end of the phone with me, even when I was so immersed in tears that I couldn't breathe.  She reminded me of the words my mother had told her when she was heart broken.  "Don't accept anything less than a man who absolutely adores you."

She was the first person to come to mind when I decided to write this, because she was also someone who was unrelentingly there last night when I realized that D was actively seeking another relationship, not even a month after the break-up.  I felt worthless, and like I never mattered to him.  Ever.

"You're so mean to my friend Sadie."  She said to me. "Learn to love her recklessly, with no excuses.  Life is too short.  You're the fucking best."

So here I am, trying.  Trying to learn to love me, regardless of my faults.  Thanking the one person who has believed in me even when I've been endlessly stupid. 

Thank you, Clare.  For loving me, for being there for me, and for telling me what I NEED to hear, not what I WANT to hear.

I love you!

Two Trees (old poetry)

Two Trees
She was a sun kissed child of the 80’s
I was her best friend; we swore ‘til the end.

We were two girls, she and I
She was the only person who made me feel
Good about myself, made me feel alive.

We nailed up two hammocks, one right on top
Of the other, swinging between two trees.

The forth of July we threw fireworks
Into her hollow tree in the front lawn;
Watched it smoke until the fire inside, died.

I drove by her house the other evening
Those two trees were just piles of cut up wood.

We used to lay and sip our lemonade
While scrawny legs hug off itchy hammocks.

I never meant to let it get away from me.

I have written this blog about a hundred times in my head over the last two weeks.  In some instances, it is the sad, weeping "OMG I can't live without you."  Sometimes it is the pissed off "I HATE YOU!" blog entry.  Occasionally, I find myself being extremely mature and simply channelling Adele and saying "I wish nothing but the best for you."  In all actuality, I am feeling a little bit of all of those combined at any given time.

D and I broke things off two weeks ago yesterday.  I guess I should be honest and say that he broke things off.  In the last two weeks I have cried a lot, slept even less, and there were a couple of nights when I walked around my apartment, not knowing what to do, and feeling completely lost.  My apartment became my sanctuary.  It was just as messy as my brain was, and none of my pieces seemed to fit.  In the last two weeks I have taken a good long look at myself, and realized that even if I wasn't right for him, or any of the men I have thought I was right for in the past, that I am a good person, and I am right for SOMEONE.  It also made me take a step back and realize what I am looking for, more than anything else right now.

Companionship.  I want someone to hang out with.  Don't get me wrong, hanging out with Aiden every night during the week up until 7:30 is fun, and the biggest joy of my life, but I stay up way later than 7:30 most days.  There are hours up hours that are taken up by nothing.  I don't need a lover, even though a lover would be a bonus.  What I want is a best friend.  Even my best of friends have fallen by the side on this.  T goes out of town every weekend to visit her boyfriend, and even when he comes here, he doesn't like me so I don't get to see her then, either.  M works nights, and is busy with school.  My sister lives six hours away.  I want someone to cook dinner with, watch TV with, laugh and cry and tell jokes with.

I was never anyone but myself with D, flaws and all.  But once again, I'm told "it's not you, it's me."  How can you change something if you're not made aware of what there is to fix?

Losing him as my counterpart is only made more difficult by the fact that I fell deeply in love with his children.  I had picked out Christmas presents, and birthday presents.  I had made plans.  Aiden would tell me how he thought of them as his little brothers.  He would bring home writing assignments from school that were written about them.

The last night we spent together, I knew something was off.  Something didn't feel right, but I didn't want to be the overly paranoid girlfriend and say anything about it.  Unknown to him, until now, but I cried myself to sleep that night.  I listened to him get ready for work the next morning, pretending to be asleep.  I rolled over and kissed him goodbye when he was leaving, and I knew something had changed.  Even now, I don't even know what that something was.  I was suddenly not enough.

Someone never saying "I love you" to you is one thing.  To have them say "I don't love you." is so much more heartbreaking than never hearing the words could ever be. 

So here I am, sad and mad and frustrated and coping.  My last three relationships have ended, suddenly, and without my consent.  When did things in any relationships stop being about compromise?  That's what you do when you're with someone, you talk to them, you bounce ideas off of them, you tell them where they stand.  This is something that is endlessly confusing to me, especially because in each of these cases, everything was good until suddenly it wasn't.

I am going about my days.  I am self-medicating with exercise and red beers.  I am trying to read books I've wanted to read, and I am no longer living out of a suit case.  I have since cleaned my apartment and I'm no longer living in a pile of clean or dirty clothes.  The bills are paid, the bellies are full, and we are going to be okay.

I miss my friend, desperately.  I miss sitting on my balcony texting him long before I had ever heard his voice.  I miss telling him stories and having him tell me stories.  I miss him telling me that he thinks I'm beautiful, even though I never believed him.  I hate feeling like I've just become another notch on his headboard, another number he can talk about while drinking with his friends, or when he meets someone new.

I hate that I put so much into this, and now it feels like my relationship had been reduced to a shoebox full of little things. 

Was I ever anything more than that?