In my desire to start loving myself (even if it's just a little bit), I have decided to start doing something on Fridays in which I give back a little bit of the love that I get. I want the people in my life to know how much I care about them, how thankful I am that they are in my life, and the debts I owe to all of them are endless. I have so many friends that I consider to be my family that I know this will take me a long time to get through everyone, but I think it'll be worth it.
It wasn't hard try to figure out who I was going to start with. Over the last thirteen years, this woman has been a shoulder for me to cry on. We finally met face to face 8 years ago, and though I don't see her nearly enough, she is there for me in ways that most people who are HERE are not. She understands me without judging, she loves me without asking for anything in return. She has been my rock through my last two break-ups. The person on the other end of the phone when I am a blubbering mess and crying so hard that I can't even get the words out.
She is fierce and fabulous, beautiful and genuine. The most real person I know. She would give a stranger her coat, defend a friend for no other reason than they are her friend, and she can make even the most traumatic of situations bearable. She has made me laugh when I am crying.
She is Clare.
I talked with her on the basement stairs at D's house when things were good with us. I whispered quietly to her about how much I loved him. She was the first person to call me when I sent out the S.O.S. the night we broke up. She stayed on the other end of the phone with me, even when I was so immersed in tears that I couldn't breathe. She reminded me of the words my mother had told her when she was heart broken. "Don't accept anything less than a man who absolutely adores you."
She was the first person to come to mind when I decided to write this, because she was also someone who was unrelentingly there last night when I realized that D was actively seeking another relationship, not even a month after the break-up. I felt worthless, and like I never mattered to him. Ever.
"You're so mean to my friend Sadie." She said to me. "Learn to love her recklessly, with no excuses. Life is too short. You're the fucking best."
So here I am, trying. Trying to learn to love me, regardless of my faults. Thanking the one person who has believed in me even when I've been endlessly stupid.
Thank you, Clare. For loving me, for being there for me, and for telling me what I NEED to hear, not what I WANT to hear.
I love you!