Monday, June 17, 2013

We've already said too much to make it new.

I'm not going to try to forget.  Maybe happiness is worth the chance of a bitter end.
Cause here at the end of the road... I don't really care who was right, I'll give you the last words tonight.
This post, or prose document, or heartfelt verbal vomit... whatever it actually turns out to be has been a very long time coming.  I know that.  I apologize for that.

I am going to share a few snip-its of things I've been writing over the months when I get a chance to actually put it down.  I feel like I've lost such a huge chunk of my being recently, and I'm not even sure I know who I am any longer.  I play it well.  I go to work.  I smile.  I do my job.  Then my evenings are spent alone as soon as Aiden goes to bed.  It's lonely and unfulfilled, and I'm not really sure how to go about changing that.  There is a simple answer, and that's for someone to pull his head out of his ass and realize what a great thing he had going, what he's missing, and for him to come and try to win me back.  Easy answer, easy solution, to a not easy at all problem.

I fill my hours with spaces of things too big for me to have room to think about you.  I wake up early and punish my body to extremes so I don't have to wonder what you're doing or who you're doing it with, or what you're thinking about or who you're thinking about.  I work.  I sleep.  I shop for groceries, I read and write and walk.  I want you out of my head and heart because you're too big.  You take up too much space with all of the pain you caused.  I can't have you living forever in all of my in-betweens.

On top of my most recent breakup, against all of my better judgement, D and I started talking again.  I was there for him in a time of great need, only in conversation, in a way that he wasn't there for me a year ago when my grandmother died.  He apologized for not being there the way I needed him to be.  It doesn't make everything "all better" but it did ease that hurt and resentment I have been carrying around for a year.  He told me things.  Things I think I had been waiting almost two years to hear from this man.  And it didn't make it "all better" but it helped.  It helped me to help him through his time of loss.  It helped me to feel the empathy for him that I needed to feel.  It helped me be his friend.

Then, He asked me to move away with him.

I want to run away with you.  I want to spend every beautiful evening wrapped in your arms, legs crooked into the back of my knees.  soft kisses and face stubble on my shoulder blades.

I want to move across the country with you. Start a new life.  Start a new me, a better me.  In a place where you are the only tie I have to my old life.  I don't want to lose you to this distance and this great wide open space.  I don't want to lose you to the mountains with their snow capped peaks and their beauty.  I want to live there with you, become your other half, your better half; and you mine.  

I want to be the beginning and the end of your days.  I want to hold your hand while watching the sunset over the top of those snow covered rocks, the beauty in everything diminishing around us by the way we feel for each other.  I want to tell you all of my secrets.  I want to show you all of me, every inch and imperfection.  I want to love you wildly and uncontrollably and never timidly.  

I want you to cradle my face in your hands and tell me that I'm the most beautiful thing you have ever seen.  I love you.  I just want you to be able to love me too.

Eighteen plus hours drive away from my family.  My friends.  My town.  The only place I have ever been able to call "home".  With every fiber of my being I want to run away with him and our children.  I want to put a snowsuit on Aiden and watch him snowboard down a mountain.  I want to go hiking, and biking.  I want to be, if only for a moment, not just Me from Nebraska.  I know I am so much more than that.  The only thing, THE ONLY THING that is keeping me here is my family.  I don't know if I could deal with the disappointment and the heartbreak on their end.  I don't know if I could stand to take Aiden away from his grandparents, even if it meant possibilities for me.  Where do you draw the line between being a parent and caring for your child in the best way you know how, and being able to tilt at your own windmills in order for your own happiness to shine through?

So I did the safe thing.  I told him no.  Not now.  Give me a few months.  "Let me see if you're still talking to me then, still saying the same things to me then."  He offered to work while I was finishing up school.  Help around the house and with the children, but to FINISH school.  In a place that is surrounded by so much natural beauty.  It feels like it should be right.  I should just be able to jump.  leap.  dive.

Last August, in my random notes journal I wrote, "I hope I am the ache in his heart he recognizes but can't get rid of."  I think that when he moves on, leaves without me, without us, this will remain true to both of us.

When I love someone, I love them completely.  Always.  Forever.  Through the good and the bad, the tears and the fights.  If I love you, I never let you go completely.

I'm still trying to figure out why I am so easy to let go of, forget about, and move on from.  Am I that generic that there are more like me, but better versions of me? 

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