Wednesday, January 2, 2013

2013. recap of 2012.

This may be a long entry.  Apologies in advance if you were looking for something short and sweet.  I've had several people remind me over the last few days that I need to update this.  It hasn't been for lack of wanting to talk, but for fear of the words that would come tumbling out, for fear of who might see them, for fear of repercussions of things.  But I guess I'm here now, so the story is ready to come out.

I entered into 2012 in an extremely positive place.  D and I had reconnected, out first new date on New Years Eve where we sat in my living room, ate Chinese food, and talked like we hadn't even before the breakup the summer before.  2012 held such huge possibilities.  I was happy with myself, I was happy with where I was in life, and I was happy with the person I had chosen to be with.  Until it all came crashing down around me.

Early June of this year, my grandmother suffered a traumatic brain bleed, and over the course of 48 hours, my grandfather decided to take her off life support, and to donate her organs.  She became the oldest organ donor from the state of Nebraska, allowing three people another chance at life with organs that had the donor been younger, would have been passed by them due to age.  The hardest part of this for me, was seeing the men in my life mourn.  My family has always had a strange dynamic, and there was a lot of anger and resentment that this is what it took to bring us all together again.  A lot of anger, and a lot of sadness.

D had been the first person I had called when I got the news.  (I had been paged overhead at work to come into the ER to be with my grandfather.  I was the first familial contact he had after being told that his wife of just over 60 years would not be waking up.  I held him tightly as he sobbed, refusing to let him go even when he tried to pull away from me.)  I tried texting and calling him several other times throughout the day, to which I didn't' get a response, or an answer.  Yes, he lived an hour away from me.  The kicker?  It was his day off work.  I didn't expect him to be here for me, and in that, I realized it was over.  My grandmother was unresponsive in the ICU, and he couldn't even OFFER to drive down to be with me.  Couldn't even OFFER to come down for an hour or two to watch Aiden, or to take me out for dinner, just to get away from it.  So six months into our relationship, after I had waited a total of nine months for him to tell me he loved me and he never could, I ended it.

I leaned on my friends.  I buried myself in family.  I reconnected with J, who the previous March had informed me in perfectly bad timing that he had feelings for me.  I leaned on J.  And he brought me back to life.  My mother said to me, "Don't break his heart."  But how could I.  This was a man that I had loved in one way or another half of my life.  This is a man who I know as well as the back of my hand.  How he buries his head into a pillow, or my shoulder, or my leg when he's embarrassed, or nervous.  We, admittedly, jumped into things too quickly.  He panicked at the thought of things progressing to the point where if things ended, we wouldn't be able to be friends any longer.  He ended things.  I fell apart again.

In the meantime, through all of this, I've dealt with some of Aiden's behavior problems at school, his reluctance to read or do homework, and his tendency to lie.  I realize that as I lose people from my life, he loses them from his as well.  I've been trying really hard to counteract that.  Most days he still mentions his father in conversations, a man he hasn't seen in nearly two years.  Most days he mentions D's children (though rarely D himself), and as time goes on it's more of fond memory than of hurt.

I would be speculating if I were to try to define where Josh and I are at in terms of a relationship right now.  We still talk, every day.  We are in each other's company at least a couple of times a week.  He texts me "Good morning" and "goodnight" nearly every day.  We are not together.  I'm not sure if he wants to be, or is simply just comfortable with how things are.  I'm not even sure what it is I want, either.  I know that I'm not interested in dating multiple people, I know that I'm not interested in random "hookups" or dating in general. Right now I'm content to ride this wave and see where it will break on shore.

The middle of November, I was called by the HR department of my place of employment around noon.  They asked me to come in at the end of my shift, for what I assumed to be some paperwork that needed filled out, something to do with insurance.  When I showed up shortly after 3 pm that day, I walked into an office with the HR person, and two nonuniform police officers.  My first instinct was that something had happened to Aiden, but why would they have made me wait 3 hours to tell me?

They handed me a printout of a Facebook post that I had made a week previously, the day before the election. The post read, "What's on my mind, you ask Facebook?  Homicide.  Homicide is on my mind.  And now since I've posted it, it's premeditated.  Who's willing to hide me?"  Several friends replied, saying they'd be more than happy to "hide" me.  I got an "amen." And my mother posted something along the lines of, "You work in a hospital, and have friends who work in the pharmacy..."  This printout was also accompanied by a letter that basically said that I was threatening to kill people.  It was signed "A Concerned Nurse."

The police officers asked me things like "Are you planning to hurt yourself?  Are you planning to hurt someone else."  Which my response was "No.  God no.  Absolutely not."  The officers conceded that they did not believe I was a threat, that I had simply been blowing off steam, and told me they weren't even going to file an official report.  They left.

HR informed me that they were suspending me for the following day, and would call me the next day to let me know their decision regarding my punishment, (for a post that was "friends only", for a post that didn't even mention work, for a post that didn't even mention a particular person, for a post that simply said I was THINKING about homicide.)  The next day, I received a call saying that they were extending my suspension through the end of the week, that they should have reached a decision by Friday, and they would call me then.  I asked if I was being fired.  The answer I got was, "the worst thing that's been discussed is rating you a C employee which would put you on probation."  I was called into the HR office on that Friday, where they terminated me.  Informed me that if I wanted to apply for a job at the hospital again, that I could, but it would be best to wait a few months before doing that.

They believed my "threat" was big enough, that they let me finish my shift the day they received the mailing.  3 hours from when I received the phone call, until I actually went into the office.  They believed that my "threat" was big enough that instead of putting me on the "no-rehire" list, I was simply told to wait to reapply.  I had a spotless record before all of this.  I had passed every review with flying colors.  I got along with my coworkers, AND management.  Even though there were a select few in management who I didn't particularly like, I was civil and maintained an adequate working relationship with them.  I never would harm ANYONE.

The thing about this that has been so hard hasn't been the firing itself.  It has been the fact that someone who I considered a "friend" who I had added on Facebook, who I had allowed to see the things I had to say, the PRIVATE things, would print off, and mail this into my place of employment.  For no other reason than to get me in trouble.  Had this been mailed to the police station, the hospital never would have known about it.  It's a huge breach of privacy, and I feel as though I can't trust anyone.  One of the reasons I have delayed putting this out there for so long, is for fear that I didn't manage to "un-friend" or "block" the person who it really was, which makes it so much worse if I didn't, because it would have had to be someone who I really believe that I can trust.  That being said, I think it was time to let everyone know.

I was offered a job at a new up and coming company this last week.  I accepted.  I believe I am employee #5.  I start the 8th of this month.  I am excited, and scared, and apprehensive, and relieved.  I was with the hospital for eight and a half years.  That is what I know.  The prospect of having to learn so much more about something I really have no grasp at, is daunting.  However, the owner of the company is obviously confident in my learning abilities to have offered me the position even though I am admittedly ignorant when it comes to a lot of the things I'll eventually have to do.

Also, I will be starting school again this year.  Not sure if it'll be this next week, or six weeks after that, it all depends on the admissions office and how fast I'm able to get my Pell grants.

So for 2013, here are the things I'd like to do/be/achieve:
- Find my inner happiness.  If not always, than most days.
- Love.  Uncontrollably.  Unconditionally.  Settle for nothing less in return.
- End game, I'd like to lose my last 40 pounds.  Realistically, I want to get back into shape.  I want to eat healthier, I want to feel better in my clothes, I want the scale to stop mattering as much.  Eat clean, drink water, consume less fat and refined sugar, but still enjoy the things I love occasionally.
- Go somewhere fun.  Even if it's just for a weekend.
- Someone special told me on New Years, shortly after midnight, that his wish for 2013 was that I could form a better opinion of myself.  So, yeah.  That too.

That's it for now.  I'll try to write more.  I'll try to find light even in my darkness.

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