I feel myself becoming the crazy person, the person who jumps to conclusions, the person who snaps out of anger at the smallest of things, but I can't stop myself from doing it. I see it as it happens, outside of myself. In my head I'm screaming "WHY ARE YOU REACTING THIS WAY!" but there is not or very little that I am able to do to stop it.
Some days I feel completely swallowed alive by my life. If it's not one thing, it's another. Boy scout meetings, and library days, and paying the bills, and doing the shopping, and cleaning the apartment, and cooking dinner, and making sure that the doors are locked at night, and putting gas in the car, and singing bedtime songs, and reading bedtime books, and saying "I love you." I know that some people have it so much harder. I know that there are people who work longer hours, who have more children and less support, who are not nearly as blessed as I am to have parents who are willing to step in and take my son for an hour or two when I simply need some quiet. This afternoon I sat on the couch for half an hour, doing absolutely nothing but sitting there, with my iPod playing. I needed that. But then it was back to reality, back to the worry of trying to get it all done, doing it all right, loving all of the right people and hoping that they're loving me back.
I have once again sacrificed some things that I love in order to have space to simply veg out, lay on the couch, go to bed half an hour early, talk on the phone with D. I know what I need to do, I need to stop the worrying.
So, I've started looking into some ways to do that. The one that I've become the most intrigued with is Buddhism. I am not the religious type, which is why I was initially drawn into some reading about the teachings. There is no divine being or presence or spirit. It is simply about finding the peace and love and God within yourself. Loving everyone, even if you don't like them, including yourself. I LOVE that concept. And for anyone who has been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that I've been practicing meditation on and off for a while, and this is one of the central concepts in getting to know yourself better, loving yourself more.
Am I devoting my entire existence to the Four Noble Truths or the Eight-Fold path? No. I am going to attempt to take some of the things I've read about, and put them into practice in my own life. Patience. Love. Trust. Acceptance.
I have also decided to make some plaques, following a little (or hell, a lot) in the design that my sister has hanging in her house with little reminders on life. "love deeply, live passionately, laugh uncontrollably, kiss slowly..." that sort of thing. They were beautiful and really inspired me, and they are small enough projects in themselves that I should be able to do them little by little while gradually making up the entire thing. I think I'll scatter them around my living quarters.
All I know is that somethings needs to change. I need to stop hating myself the majority of the time, and this is what I've come up with so far to help me do that. Enough guilt! Turn the page.
