Yes We Can

(I love that in the photo she's using the butt of a gun to hammer in the nails. :) )

I don't think there's anyone who would ever say that they didn't know EXACTLY where I stood on an issue.  Especially because I'm more than happy to tell you what and why if anyone is ever inclined to ask.  I sometimes (more often than not) have been known to offer my opinion even when it's not asked for.  :)  Yes, I am aware that I do this.  I just, most of the time, don't care.

Another presidential election year is upon us, and as I have in the last two elections (unfortunately I was not old enough to vote when Bush was non-elected in his first term) I am going to offer you up my opinions.  What matters to me and why.  I am going to give you reasons I believe what I believe, and I'm going to let you form your own opinions on them.  Love them, hate them.  That's your choice.  However, I do so love opinions of others, so please don't be afraid to tell me what you believe, and why, as well.

I believe: in EQUAL PAY FOR EQUAL WORK.
Women deserve the same amount of compensation for their work as men.  I still find it so hard to believe that we live in a time where we send a rover into space, land it on Mars, and send video feed back, but women still earn on average 25 cents less per dollar that a man makes for the same job.  I speak from experience that a lot of times the fact that you have a penis is more important than that of your character, your experience, or even your level of education.  I think it allows men to raise higher in the work place, and to earn more money.  This is not okay.

I believe: that WOMEN ARE SMART ENOUGH TO DECIDE WHAT IS RIGHT FOR THEM AND THEIR BODIES.
This isn't just about abortion.  There is so much more to this than the right to choose whether or not to terminate a pregnancy.  Women have the right to choose whether or not they want to use hormonal contraceptives,  dye their hair, have LASIK eye surgery, have breast implants, have their tubes tied, or even, yes, have an abortion.  These things are between a woman, her partner (sometimes), and her doctor.  The government has no place in my womb.  I also believe that a woman has the right to terminate a pregnancy, regardless of the reason or circumstances behind it.  Whether she is married or single.  Whether it was rape or consensual.  This choice is one of the single most difficult decisions a woman will EVER have to make, no matter which way she chooses to go.

Women are going to have abortions.  This is a fact.  It happened before it was legalized and regulated.  If for some reason it is ever to become illegal, women will still have abortions.  Wouldn't it be better to allow a woman her choice and have it be a safe one, rather than resorting to back ally ways, and untested medications, and falls down staircases?

I believe: that CHILDREN ARE OUR FUTURE AND OUR FUTURE NEEDS HELP.

Class sizes are too big.  Teachers are paid too little.  Standardized testing is a waste of time and money and doesn't benefit the children AT ALL.  My son's 3rd grade classroom started testing the fifth day of school.  Aren't they supposed to be learning something before being sat in front of a computer to answer question after question?  Too much emphasis on test scores, not enough on learning.

I believe: that ANY TWO CONSENTING ADULTS SHOULD HAVE THE FULL RIGHTS AND PRIVILEGES AFFORDED ANY OTHER TWO CONSENTING ADULTS.
Marriage is a right.  We love who we love and there is no choice behind that.  If two men (or women) loving each other for the rest of their lives is destroying the sanctity of marriage, I wonder what me having a child out of wedlock does.  I wonder what all of the straight people who cheat on their spouses does.  I wonder what all of the divorces have done.  I wonder what Britney Spears's marriages have done.  This world needs more love, not less.  If you don't believe in gay marriage, don't get one.  This is not about God, this is about you being scared of something you don't fully understand, which is fine.  Separation of church and state.  It's not your place to judge, regardless of your religion.  Leave that to someone who is better at doing it than yourself.

I believe: that NO POLITICIAN IS PERFECT.
Sometimes these elections boil down to choosing the lesser of the two evils, the person you dislike less than the other.  Never is there a perfect answer that will fit for everyone.  Every human being will make mistakes.  We all fall down, but what creates character is by how we manage to get back up.  Holding someone up to impossible standards only means that they can do nothing except fail.

I believe: that OUR WORDS ARE FREE, BUT WITH FREEDOM COMES RESPONSIBILITY.
Yes, we can say what we want, and write what we want.  However, if we choose to do this, we also have to be prepared for any sort of repercussions that might bring.

I believe: HEALTHCARE IS A RIGHT, NOT A PRIVILEGE.
I LOVE Obamacare.  I love everything it stands for and has done to better my life, and the life of my child.  The state of Nebraska has paid in excess of ONE MILLION DOLLARS for my son's surgeries and treatments, many of which could have been covered by insurance if I was allowed to carry him on my work insurance.  Which I wasn't.  Not until this year.  Reason?  Preexisting condition.  One which he was BORN with.  How does that make any sense whatsoever?  I love that women are now able to pay for their birth control through the insurance.  I love that I no longer have to pay a co-pay for my annual preventative visits.  I pay for my insurance, and guess what it does?  It INSURES me.  What a concept!  Is it perfect? Hell no.  But it is a huge step in the right direction and a great stepping stone.

I disagree: with WAR, THE DEATH PENALTY, CENSORSHIP (except in certain circumstances, if you're interested, ask me what those are), AND DRUG TESTING FOR WELFARE BENEFITS.

I could go on and on.  The war on drugs (I believe marijuana should be legalized, and then taxed.  National debt what?!),  gun control (this is actually a huge one and deserves it's own paragraph, but I'm sure you've heard it all before), the rate of poverty in this country, children's health, etc.

Research.  Teach yourself.  Never stop learning, and never become a sheep.  Question everything.  Find your own reasons to believe what it is you believe, then stand up for them, shout them from the rooftops, and VOTE!

you're my only truth...

I have to admit something, openly and honestly, right here, right now.  I haven't been writing openly here for fear of who may (or may not) be reading.  I have censored myself in a way I never intended, nor wanted.

As luck will have it, I have been keeping a sort of random thoughts journal on my iPod that I enter in little tidbits when they come to mind.  I write down a lot of my fears, frustrations, and sadness.  Writing has always been a way for me to try to figure things out in my own head and heart.  So I haven't stopped doing it, I've just stopped posting it.  Things I have written in the distant and not so distant past have had a way of getting me in trouble, which is why I did the whole secret blog for so long.

Alas, I have decided to share some of my musings with you.  They are probably mushy enough to make you want to puke, but I don't really care.  It's hard for me to write when I'm happy, but I've been trying my damnedest. 

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He helped me go car shopping.  He gives the best hugs in the world.  He grew a mustache for me for my birthday, just because.  He then went out in public with that mustache.  He also conveniently made his exit from my birthday party shortly before my then boyfriend showed up.  I knew it broke his heart that I was with someone else.  But he was still there for me, even though it wasn't convenient for him or his heart.  He invites me to his ball games and his band gigs.  He kisses my forehead and my hand.  He pulls me onto his lap and compliments me.  He is on my mind when I wake up in the morning, and again when I go to sleep at night.  He is one of my best friends and I don't think it could be any more perfect.

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J says: you've always smelled like Sadie, since the day I met you.  As he pushes my unruly hair off of my face and kisses me.

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I wake up each morning loving you more.  Curling into the back of your knees and neck.  Tracing my eyelashes along your hairline.  Kissing you softly and deeply, and willing myself to stay, just a few minutes longer, among your body heat and breath.  I love you i love you i love you I whisper in my head, I say quietly against your ear.  Heart thudding and melting in the perfection of your smile.  I want to crawl into the space of your chest where you hold onto me for safe keeping.  Where your smiles originate.  Always bright.

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He is mine and I am his.  "you're my only truth"  I wrote on the back of the senior picture I gave to him.  Eleven years ago.  Back before he loved me.  Back before I could tell him I loved him.  This is my real life true fairy tale.  I didn't lose my shoe, I didn't lower my hair, I didn't sacrifice myself, or escape my evil stepmother.  I was me.  Through and through, and for some reason he is able to love me anyway.

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I had a dream, the first in a while.  It left me shaken and questioning everything.  Until I opened my eyes and he was sleeping next to me, lightly snoring, his hand on my hip, and I realized that even though letting go can be a slow process, it's one I really want to make with this man who is asleep next to me.

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J talking about Aiden: I would never let anything happen to that little boy.

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We sat on the couch sharing the multicolor (gay pride) Mentos.   I proclaimed that I had gotten one that tasted like carpet.  He replied with, "ME TOO!  It was like carpet-grape."  Someone who not only understands, but comprehends and full-on participates in your strange sense of humor... priceless.

I wanna be with you until the sun falls from the sky...

This last weekend my family, many of my friends and acquaintances all celebrated the marriage of my sister to her long-term boyfriend.  It's not strange that my sister is married.  I sort of knew all along that she would be the first of us to tie the knot.  She always was a serial monogamist.  It's not strange that Aiden now has a real and official Uncle.  It's not strange that my sister's last name is not the same as mine any longer, though since I have changed it in my phone, I do a double take every time she calls or texts me.

It's strange to say "brother-in-law".  It makes me feel old.

One of the best days of my life, hands down.  My biggest worry was that I wasn't going to fit into my dress, and miraculously, I did.

I will be the first to admit that I've gained some weight this summer.  My grandmother's death, my long-time-coming breakup with D, and now my limitless happiness with J.  Being happy makes me fat.  I have said that before.

So I need to kick this into gear.  I need to start eating better, drinking less alcohol, exercising more, lifting weights again.  I have 30 more pounds until my next big goal.

Encouragement is needed, and wanted.  I need someone to kick my ass into gear!

To be Adored.

I have been cared for.

I have been admired, and liked, and appreciated.

I truly believe that it has been years since I have been adored.  I'm talking, back in high school.  YEARS.

I have fallen into people's arms, given all of myself, and then have them walk away.  Without provocation, and suddenly I wasn't enough anymore.  I try to find things to blame, and it always comes back to me, what I did wrong.  I didn't give enough, I gave too much...  In the end, the only thing it left me with was hating myself.  Enough guilt.

I am now adored.

I have someone who cares enough about me to ask my opinion, to give equally (if not more) than what I've been able to give to him.  He wants to spend time with me, he wants to hold me, he wants to sleep next to me.  He tells his friends and family he's proud of me.  He kisses me in public, and introduces me to his friends. 

For the first time, I am really understanding what it means that actions speak louder than words.

He makes me feel beautiful, like I'm the only woman in his vision.  I don't worry that he's talking to other women.  He's open, he's honest, he tells me about his day.  His good and his bad.  He drinks my milkshakes and takes my love, even with all of its flaws. 

He is beautiful, non-judgmental, and would do anything for his friends or family.  He makes me proud of HIM.  I have always been his number one fan.  Always.

Being a band member's girlfriend is a whole new world for me to become accustomed to.  But it's a great world.  New people I wouldn't have normally run across in my day to day life, new friends of the other girlfriends, being able to see him do the thing he loves the most in front of people.  How he lights up.  I love being able to support that, in any way possible.  Because I know that if I have something similar, he would be there too.

Hi.  I'm Sadie.  And I finally GET it.

<3

August goals 2012

- lose 5 lbs

- go to the gym 15 times.

- continue to build on my running.

- start and finish a new book of my own.

- start and finish a new book with Aiden.

- continue to eat cleaner.

- work on weights and resistance training.

- SORT THROUGH CLOTHES!

- make and keep a phone date with Clare. :)

- write.

- welcome more love into my world.

- lotion.  it is important.

- write the letter I've been meaning to write.  put it in the sink.  burn it.

- make it through my sister's bachelorette party without anyone puking or passing out, especially me.

- cook one new thing a week.

- take photos.  post photos.  show my life through photos.

- breathe in the last little bit of summer, enjoy it, savor it, then let.it.go.

July Goals 2012 : Review

- lose 5 pounds.
Nope.

- go to the gym 15 times.
Nope.  10.

- run, on average, three days a week.
Nope. I ran a lot the first half of the month until I pulled a calf muscle, and then re-pulled it in the 5k.  I just started back yesterday.

- have my first sizing of the maid-of-honor dress for my sister's wedding.
Nope.  Planning on going tomorrow over my lunch break.

- find shoes for the dress for my sister's wedding.
WIN!  I've decided to wear my black dressy sandals. 

- read.  more.
I'll call this a win.  I managed to start and finish one book. 

- write.  more.
I have been.  No one will ever see it, though.

- photograph.  more.
WIN!  Lots and lots.  I want to do more.

- maintain semi-clean apartment, stay on top of dishes, and laundry.
WIN!  Atleast better than the past.  I really need to get rid of a bunch of shit.

- go through clothes.  keep, donate, toss.
Nope.

- go see a movie at the theater.
WIN!  Aiden and I saw two.  Spiderman (which was actually really good, even though I really loved Tobey Maguire), and The Dark Knight Rises.

- kiss.  more.
*blushes*  oh yes I did!

- spend more evenings outside, pack sandwiches and spend them in the sun at the park, or at the pool, or in the back yard of a friend.
We spent an average of two nights a week at the pool at T's apartment this last month.

- improve my 5k run time for The Color Run (#2!) on the 14th.
Nope.  However, with a recently pulled calf muscle, and re-pulling it about 50 feet from the finish, I finished only 2 minutes slower.

- cook.  more.
WIN!  It hasn't been anything new or interesting, but it has been cooking :)

- regain my footing. 
I have some things that I need to say to some people.  These things, however, shouldn't be said.  Not everyone is able to handle the complete and absolute truth from someone.  In order for me to move forward, I am letting go of my anger, my hurt, my sorrow, and even a little bit of my broken heart.  I am throwing more love at the people in my life who can take it, and dish it back.  I AM happy.  I AM moving forward, and I AM so excited to see what this next month brings. 

The Good (because the bad is just too draining.)

I get so tired of thinking and talking about all of the bad there is in the world.  In my world.  I want to take a time out before the rest of this month is over, and instead of punishing myself for all the things I've done wrong, all of the bad, all of the heartache, I want to talk about the things I'm doing well, the things that make me happy.  All of the good.

- I am now in an officially committed relationship with a man who I have cared about, in one way or another, for nearly half of my life.  He introduces me to his friends, his family, and general acquaintances as "my girlfriend."  He kisses me in public without embarrassment or hesitation.  He kisses my forehead, my hand, my cheek, my eyelids, my shoulders.  He is tall, and I fit so very nicely into the crook of his arm over my shoulder, into the bend of his knees behind me in bed, up against his chest while laying on the couch watching movies.  He gets along with my friends and welcomes spending time with them, inviting them along with us back to his house, buying them shots, eating pizza with us and putting up with our obnoxious humor.  He makes me laugh, about nothing, about everything.  He makes me comfortable in my own skin.  I miss him when he's not around, but I'm not worried that the next text from him will be the last.  This is good.

- Money is so very tight right now, but through that I've been able to find a lot of ways to spend our time without having to spend much if any money.  We watch a lot of Netflix movies.  We spend evenings over at the softball fields, or at the pool at T's apartment complex, or at the splash park on the south end of town.  I have found several free movie coupons, and we've gone to see both Spiderman, and The Dark Knight Rises completely free.  We color.  We go for walks.  We read.  This is good.

- T and her boyfriend broke up earlier this month, and although this is a sad thing, it's also a good thing, for all parties involved.  I have my best friend back.  I know how selfish that sounds, but even though she lives less than a mile away, she and I didn't see much of each other when they were together.  Now, through me trying to keep her company because break ups suck, and her being able to pretty much do what she wants and not have to answer to anyone, we've been able to see each other often.  We swim, lay in the sun, watch softball games, and even go out to the bar.  This is good.

-  I am moving on from him.  Certain days are better than others, certain days blindside me.  Then today, he de-friended me on facebook, and it completely broke my heart all over again.  We had left things on good terms, and after all of the time and effort and love I had poured into everything I could with him, his children, and our relationship, and he doesn't even want to be my friend anymore.  He hurt me, I will never deny that.  I will forever be able to take the blame for that, however, because he had done it before.  I don't think ill of him, and I just want him to be able to find happiness not only outside of himself, but inside of himself.  There is so much good there, even if he can't see it right now.  I want him to get angry with me, yell at me, give me a reason to not want him in my life.  I have a feeling that this is a book that will never really be closed, it'll just remain open, waiting for the last chapter to be written, the last reasons given, the final goodbye.  I don't think I'll ever truly get the closure I need with this one.  When someone can't love you, all you can do is wonder "why?"  But this, too, is good.

- My calf is healing up well.  There are still mornings when it twinges a bit when I get out of bed, or if I move a certain way.  It's been over two weeks since I've ran, I'm going to give it a shot tomorrow, not push myself too hard or too fast, but I need to get my running shoes back on.  My stomach has started to pouch in a way I don't like.  Not to mention when I run, I feel better.  I am better.  And that is good.