Strong (old poetry)

 

I like to believe I am strong
sometimes
not as weak as the exterior
wills me to be.
in my fantasy world,
I hold my own,
know where I am going,
where I have been.

the key is simplicity
and in my dream
everything
is simple.
I don't hide behind
the pen.

The very same pen
that has brought me such joy,
as well as the continuous burden of sorrows.

no,
not in the world where I am strong.
In this world,
there are no feelings to be
hurt,
and I am no longer
the shape
I once was
hiding behind the letters.

I stand tall,
and proud. For once
I have all the answers,
for once I know
what it feels like to be
the true
me. And not
the one behind the ink.

No one knows this self I have become.

But did I
become,
or have I always
been?

So deep inside
I realize, no one knows
me,
as I am
and how I push myself to be.
Not even me.

Once again
the dream is over
and I am behind the pen.

I am not strong,
but,
I like to be pretend to be.

find the spark inside...

Over the last two and a half months, my life as I have known it has slowly crumbled to pieces.

One week, things with B were wonderful, the next he was standing in my living room without his overnight bag, and I knew without him even saying that it was over.  I was lost over that for six weeks.  I lost weight without trying, I had trouble sleeping, and I cried ALL the time.  I cancelled plans with friends, I drank too much.

After six weeks, I had started to feel better about everything, and another shoe dropped.  The pretty much non-existent drama with Aiden's father reared its ugly head, and inside of having every other weekend separate weekend away from my son, I was back to full-time mom, again.  It has been eight weeks since my son has seen or spoken with his father, and I'm still dealing with the emotional repercussions of that.  I have beaten myself up badly enough in the past because of the whole situation, and nothing he could ever say would ever make me feel worse than I've made myself feel.  But to watch this harm my son, my one true happiness in the world, is nearly devastating. 

In the last couple of weeks, B, who is unable to even make himself happy, has started exclusively dating someone.  I am over him in all of the ways that I can be, but the unexpected and sudden heartbreak of that, I'm not used to.  I have held my head up, met a few people, and I'm trucking on.

Enough of my whining, the point of this post is that for the first time in a very long time, I'm going to spend the weekend not being strong about anything.

I'm leaving on a jetplane.  Headed to Las Vegas, meeting up with my sister, and going to have three nights and two full days in sin city with my best friend in this entire world, and my only sibling.  We're going to eat, and drink, and laugh.  And that is exactly what I need right now.

So here's me bidding adieu to Nebraska for the next four days.  I'll be back, hopefully a different person, with a whole new outlook.

there will be an answer... let it be

This week I am trying to channel in myself all of the good things.  I am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and make note that there are so many good and wonderful things in my life.

Today is one of the good days.

Tomorrow will be a good day as well.

This morning as I was blow drying and straightening my hair, wearing nothing but a towel, Aiden came into the bathroom needing help buttoning his jeans.  While I was buttoning them for him, he told me that his friend had told him that one of the girls in his class has a crush on him.  I told him that was sweet and asked him to tell me about her.  "Well she has hair the same color as mine, but it's long."  I asked him if she was going to be his girlfriend.  "I don't know... She is really pretty."  I am thankful for small little conversations in the morning with my son, before the sun has come up.

I weighed in at the gym today, the fifth week of the biggest loser competition (which I have to point out, I am dominating it.) and I weighed in a pound less than last week.  Now it's not as large of a loss as previous weeks, but it is still a loss.  I am thankful that it is SOMETHING, even though I know I slacked in certain areas and can do so much better this next week.

I think I have finally been able to step away from the emotions tying me to B.  There are certain things I am still going to miss about him, but I've realized that he's not at a place in his life where he can make anyone happy, including himself, and I don't need that in my life.  I need to surround myself with support and laughter.  Happiness and joy need to seep out of my pores.  I need to do the things I love and love the things I do.  I need to be around people who enjoy me as much as I enjoy them.  I am thankful for all of the wonderful family and friends I have in my life.  They make me laugh, they'll sit with me while I cry, they will give me the honest truth about myself without sugar coating anything.  They are as fierce of a friend to me as I am to them.

I am thankful for angry chick music, and sad emo music, and The Beatles.  I am thankful for a warm bed, and clean clothes, and a job that earns me enough money to maintain all of that.  For a full belly, and movies on the weekends, and lazy evenings reading on the couch.

There are days and weeks and months when I can get so incredibly lonely, but things ALWAYS get better.  I know this, I try to tell myself this every day.  I try not to focus on the little things, but the big things always seem to come along and just knock the wind out of me, drain me of myself.  This is me taking all of that back.

A letter to myself, saying "It'll be okay, you can make it through this, you've made it though so much more!"  And I have.  I handled a little 6 pound baby wearing 5 pound casts.  I handled three surgeries on my son in under four years.  I was mother AND father for 6 years of my son's life.  I am INVINCIBLE.  Why I ever allow myself to believe otherwise, I'll never know.

I am compassionate and kind.  I am free-spirited and flexible.  I roll with the punches and rarely if ever punch back.  I am timid and complacent, but I am not a push-over.  Why do I allow myself to be walked all over time and again?

Well not anymore.

Please remind me of this again in a week, when I'm back to being a doormat.