You Twist to Fit the Mold That I am In

It's the middle of July.  Summer is more than half way over, and I feel as though I haven't done enough with it.  I feel like I've worked a lot, I've been out of town a lot, but still that I really haven't accomplished anything.

I have managed to learn quite a few things, some things I have known for a long time and I simply needed reminded of them, some of them are new.

I have some of the best friends that anyone could ever hope of having.  I have the type of friends who complete me on every single level imaginable.  They make me laugh, they hold me when I cry, they offer to tire-iron the kneecaps of anyone who hurts me.  They understand me.  We have hour long conversations based around the most obscene and ridiculous things.  We rub each other's feet, and cuddle in bed and plan bad movie nights.  All my life I've been searching for my soul mates, and I have them, right here, right in front of me.

Speaking of what is right in front of me... A tried and tested true friendship that has withstood nearly everything a person could throw at it.  Lies, and heartbreak, and distance.  School, and a child, and drug abuse.  Three plus years of little to no communication, and gradually, over the last three years, regaining all of that.

He has been there for me, unconditionally, through my last three (the third being a repeat of the second) breakups.  He has cried with me, gotten drunk with me, held my hair back and rubbed my back when I was puking from getting drunk.  He has babysat Aiden when I needed a night away.  He has seen me in every way possible.  Thirteen years is a long time to know someone, to care about someone, to not see what has been in front of you for so long.

It's almost shocking when my best friend tells me, "you know, he'd probably give you the moon, right?  It's the way he looks at you, it's always kind of been there, but lately it seems like more..." and it's something I hadn't seen, or hadn't really been looking for.  I can't explain how nice it is to spend time with someone and not constantly wonder what he's thinking or feeling, because I already know.  There are no awkward "getting to know you" conversations.  This is the boy that nearly broke my nose on his trampoline, who would talk to me on the phone when I was grounded and couldn't leave my house, who knew better than to say anything as I sat on my couch playing the Wii with tears streaming down my face.

Timing.  Is.  Everything.

I have also started to realize that my grief is infinite.   In D's and my last conversation while I was gathering my things into plastic bags, crying, trying to get myself heard, he told me that he cares about me.  The biggest lie of all time is, "I want to be your friend."  And after attempts at me being just that, (wishing him a happy father's day, wishing his oldest a happy birthday) and he hasn't spoken to me in a month and a half.  It breaks my heart and puts me in my place, but makes me realize what I knew 7 months ago before all of this started back up, before I fell even more deeply in love with him and his children, "I'm just a notch in your bedpost, but you're just a line in a song."  It's a hard lesson to have to learn twice.

The biggest thing on my mind now, and one of the things I wrote down shortly after the breakup in my random thoughts journal, was that it makes me sad that I have no one to watch or get excited about watching Breaking Bad with me.  The final season premieres tonight.  It was our show.  He got me into it.  I can still hear his laugh and see his face when we would talk in depth about it, when we would lose ourselves in the storyline and the absurdity of it all.  I miss that.  One of the many things.  But it still doesn't outnumber all of the many things that I do NOT miss.

I have ran two 5k's in the last month.  I have started taking more photographs and spending more time with the people who are able to love me back.  I am discovering things about someone who I had long let go of any hope of anything other than a strong friendship.  I am realizing now, more than ever, just how close to complete I can be.

I am happy.

Friends on Fridays - Heterosexual Lifemates

Tancy and I met back in early May of 2004.  Aiden was just over five months old, and Tancy was around 6 months pregnant, and as round as a beach ball.  She was loud and crude, and frankly, scared the poop out of me.  We worked together for around 4 years before she changed departments.  We stayed in contact through random run-ins at work, our children's birthday parties, and going to friend's places and drinking.  I can honestly say that there wasn't ever a time I DIDN'T like her.

It was because of her that I was finally able to get out of the Nutrition department at the hospital.  She vied for me for Materials Management, talked me up, and finally walked into my boss's office one day and just said "Are you going to hire Sadie now?"  He did.

Over the last two years, she has become sort of like a lifeline for me.  She is the person who is (usually) always there, via text or phone when I need her.  She is a realist who will not sugar coat things.  She tells me things like they are, whether or not I want to hear them.  She plays a very good devils advocate, but at the same time is excellent at listening without giving opinions.  She is my wife.  There is no other way to describe her.  No one on this planet can read me better than she can.  We fight like we're married, we party like we're siblings, and she has brought out a part of me that I didn't know was buried in there for a very long time.

She has been there through two of the toughest breakups of my life.  She has listened to me cry, and let me be the crazy drunk.  She hasn't judged when I tell her that I want to sit at home and eat a pound of chocolate and not talk to anyone all weekend long, and she proudly wears her "team edward" shirt next to me in the theater while I'm wearing my "team jacob" shirt.  We have seen the last two (soon to be three) twilight saga movies at the theater around noon on opening day.  It took me seven years, but I finally talked her into reading the Harry Potter series.

She shares my love of books, sexy male celebrities, and noisy body functions.  This woman can burp like no man I have EVER heard burp before.  We both have seven year old boys, so stories about wieners and them walking around naked, are endless.  She, literally, lives next door to me.  Our bedroom windows face each other, and though we don't make a habit of looking into each other's bedroom windows (though we have had a conversation or two through them in the afternoons and early evenings,) it's sometimes just nice to know, as a single person, that one of my favorite people is only 15 seconds away.

Do I always like the decisions she makes, or the things she chooses to do?  Hell no.  But I think she knows that I will support HER no matter what her decisions are, even if I don't agree with them. 

This next Tuesday is her last day in my department at the hospital.  She's moving on to bigger and better things.  "You're going to be so mad at me!" was the phone call I got when she told me about being offered a new position elsewhere.  And I'm not mad.  I am so beyond happy for her.  Neither of us is destined to remain a Supply Tech for the rest of our lives.  We're both too smart and driven for that.  She just happened to be the first to make it out of the trappings of the catholic health system.  I am so happy, and boundlessly proud of her for that.  It's really going to SUCK not having my best friend there day in and day out.  I'm going to have to find other people to converse with, seek advice from, and waste my time with.  I have no doubt that I'm going to get by just fine without her there, it's just not going to be as enjoyable.

So this is to my heterosexual lifemate.  My wife that we don't touch wet spots.  I love you!

Friends on Fridays (giving something new a try)

In my desire to start loving myself (even if it's just a little bit), I have decided to start doing something on Fridays in which I give back a little bit of the love that I get.  I want the people in my life to know how much I care about them, how thankful I am that they are in my life, and the debts I owe to all of them are endless.  I have so many friends that I consider to be my family that I know this will take me a long time to get through everyone, but I think it'll be worth it.

It wasn't hard try to figure out who I was going to start with.  Over the last thirteen years, this woman has been a shoulder for me to cry on.  We finally met face to face 8 years ago, and though I don't see her nearly enough, she is there for me in ways that most people who are HERE are not.  She understands me without judging, she loves me without asking for anything in return.  She has been my rock through my last two break-ups.  The person on the other end of the phone when I am a blubbering mess and crying so hard that I can't even get the words out.

She is fierce and fabulous, beautiful and genuine.  The most real person I know.  She would give a stranger her coat, defend a friend for no other reason than they are her friend, and she can make even the most traumatic of situations bearable.  She has made me laugh when I am crying. 

She is Clare.

Clare and I met online, back in the late summer of 1998.  We shared a love of Hanson, and of writing and creating websites to feature our writings and photos and boring high school lives.  We met for the first time in 2003 when I was about 6 months pregnant.  We bought her a scalped ticket for the Hanson show, ate a pizza that was bigger than both of our heads combined, and she protected me and my ever growing belly in a sea of women trying to get on stage.  She grabbed Taylor's pinkie finger and held on for dear life.

I talked with her on the basement stairs at D's house when things were good with us.  I whispered quietly to her about how much I loved him.  She was the first person to call me when I sent out the S.O.S. the night we broke up.  She stayed on the other end of the phone with me, even when I was so immersed in tears that I couldn't breathe.  She reminded me of the words my mother had told her when she was heart broken.  "Don't accept anything less than a man who absolutely adores you."

She was the first person to come to mind when I decided to write this, because she was also someone who was unrelentingly there last night when I realized that D was actively seeking another relationship, not even a month after the break-up.  I felt worthless, and like I never mattered to him.  Ever.

"You're so mean to my friend Sadie."  She said to me. "Learn to love her recklessly, with no excuses.  Life is too short.  You're the fucking best."

So here I am, trying.  Trying to learn to love me, regardless of my faults.  Thanking the one person who has believed in me even when I've been endlessly stupid. 

Thank you, Clare.  For loving me, for being there for me, and for telling me what I NEED to hear, not what I WANT to hear.

I love you!