2013. recap of 2012.

This may be a long entry.  Apologies in advance if you were looking for something short and sweet.  I've had several people remind me over the last few days that I need to update this.  It hasn't been for lack of wanting to talk, but for fear of the words that would come tumbling out, for fear of who might see them, for fear of repercussions of things.  But I guess I'm here now, so the story is ready to come out.

I entered into 2012 in an extremely positive place.  D and I had reconnected, out first new date on New Years Eve where we sat in my living room, ate Chinese food, and talked like we hadn't even before the breakup the summer before.  2012 held such huge possibilities.  I was happy with myself, I was happy with where I was in life, and I was happy with the person I had chosen to be with.  Until it all came crashing down around me.

Early June of this year, my grandmother suffered a traumatic brain bleed, and over the course of 48 hours, my grandfather decided to take her off life support, and to donate her organs.  She became the oldest organ donor from the state of Nebraska, allowing three people another chance at life with organs that had the donor been younger, would have been passed by them due to age.  The hardest part of this for me, was seeing the men in my life mourn.  My family has always had a strange dynamic, and there was a lot of anger and resentment that this is what it took to bring us all together again.  A lot of anger, and a lot of sadness.

D had been the first person I had called when I got the news.  (I had been paged overhead at work to come into the ER to be with my grandfather.  I was the first familial contact he had after being told that his wife of just over 60 years would not be waking up.  I held him tightly as he sobbed, refusing to let him go even when he tried to pull away from me.)  I tried texting and calling him several other times throughout the day, to which I didn't' get a response, or an answer.  Yes, he lived an hour away from me.  The kicker?  It was his day off work.  I didn't expect him to be here for me, and in that, I realized it was over.  My grandmother was unresponsive in the ICU, and he couldn't even OFFER to drive down to be with me.  Couldn't even OFFER to come down for an hour or two to watch Aiden, or to take me out for dinner, just to get away from it.  So six months into our relationship, after I had waited a total of nine months for him to tell me he loved me and he never could, I ended it.

I leaned on my friends.  I buried myself in family.  I reconnected with J, who the previous March had informed me in perfectly bad timing that he had feelings for me.  I leaned on J.  And he brought me back to life.  My mother said to me, "Don't break his heart."  But how could I.  This was a man that I had loved in one way or another half of my life.  This is a man who I know as well as the back of my hand.  How he buries his head into a pillow, or my shoulder, or my leg when he's embarrassed, or nervous.  We, admittedly, jumped into things too quickly.  He panicked at the thought of things progressing to the point where if things ended, we wouldn't be able to be friends any longer.  He ended things.  I fell apart again.

In the meantime, through all of this, I've dealt with some of Aiden's behavior problems at school, his reluctance to read or do homework, and his tendency to lie.  I realize that as I lose people from my life, he loses them from his as well.  I've been trying really hard to counteract that.  Most days he still mentions his father in conversations, a man he hasn't seen in nearly two years.  Most days he mentions D's children (though rarely D himself), and as time goes on it's more of fond memory than of hurt.

I would be speculating if I were to try to define where Josh and I are at in terms of a relationship right now.  We still talk, every day.  We are in each other's company at least a couple of times a week.  He texts me "Good morning" and "goodnight" nearly every day.  We are not together.  I'm not sure if he wants to be, or is simply just comfortable with how things are.  I'm not even sure what it is I want, either.  I know that I'm not interested in dating multiple people, I know that I'm not interested in random "hookups" or dating in general. Right now I'm content to ride this wave and see where it will break on shore.

The middle of November, I was called by the HR department of my place of employment around noon.  They asked me to come in at the end of my shift, for what I assumed to be some paperwork that needed filled out, something to do with insurance.  When I showed up shortly after 3 pm that day, I walked into an office with the HR person, and two nonuniform police officers.  My first instinct was that something had happened to Aiden, but why would they have made me wait 3 hours to tell me?

They handed me a printout of a Facebook post that I had made a week previously, the day before the election. The post read, "What's on my mind, you ask Facebook?  Homicide.  Homicide is on my mind.  And now since I've posted it, it's premeditated.  Who's willing to hide me?"  Several friends replied, saying they'd be more than happy to "hide" me.  I got an "amen." And my mother posted something along the lines of, "You work in a hospital, and have friends who work in the pharmacy..."  This printout was also accompanied by a letter that basically said that I was threatening to kill people.  It was signed "A Concerned Nurse."

The police officers asked me things like "Are you planning to hurt yourself?  Are you planning to hurt someone else."  Which my response was "No.  God no.  Absolutely not."  The officers conceded that they did not believe I was a threat, that I had simply been blowing off steam, and told me they weren't even going to file an official report.  They left.

HR informed me that they were suspending me for the following day, and would call me the next day to let me know their decision regarding my punishment, (for a post that was "friends only", for a post that didn't even mention work, for a post that didn't even mention a particular person, for a post that simply said I was THINKING about homicide.)  The next day, I received a call saying that they were extending my suspension through the end of the week, that they should have reached a decision by Friday, and they would call me then.  I asked if I was being fired.  The answer I got was, "the worst thing that's been discussed is rating you a C employee which would put you on probation."  I was called into the HR office on that Friday, where they terminated me.  Informed me that if I wanted to apply for a job at the hospital again, that I could, but it would be best to wait a few months before doing that.

They believed my "threat" was big enough, that they let me finish my shift the day they received the mailing.  3 hours from when I received the phone call, until I actually went into the office.  They believed that my "threat" was big enough that instead of putting me on the "no-rehire" list, I was simply told to wait to reapply.  I had a spotless record before all of this.  I had passed every review with flying colors.  I got along with my coworkers, AND management.  Even though there were a select few in management who I didn't particularly like, I was civil and maintained an adequate working relationship with them.  I never would harm ANYONE.

The thing about this that has been so hard hasn't been the firing itself.  It has been the fact that someone who I considered a "friend" who I had added on Facebook, who I had allowed to see the things I had to say, the PRIVATE things, would print off, and mail this into my place of employment.  For no other reason than to get me in trouble.  Had this been mailed to the police station, the hospital never would have known about it.  It's a huge breach of privacy, and I feel as though I can't trust anyone.  One of the reasons I have delayed putting this out there for so long, is for fear that I didn't manage to "un-friend" or "block" the person who it really was, which makes it so much worse if I didn't, because it would have had to be someone who I really believe that I can trust.  That being said, I think it was time to let everyone know.

I was offered a job at a new up and coming company this last week.  I accepted.  I believe I am employee #5.  I start the 8th of this month.  I am excited, and scared, and apprehensive, and relieved.  I was with the hospital for eight and a half years.  That is what I know.  The prospect of having to learn so much more about something I really have no grasp at, is daunting.  However, the owner of the company is obviously confident in my learning abilities to have offered me the position even though I am admittedly ignorant when it comes to a lot of the things I'll eventually have to do.

Also, I will be starting school again this year.  Not sure if it'll be this next week, or six weeks after that, it all depends on the admissions office and how fast I'm able to get my Pell grants.

So for 2013, here are the things I'd like to do/be/achieve:
- Find my inner happiness.  If not always, than most days.
- Love.  Uncontrollably.  Unconditionally.  Settle for nothing less in return.
- End game, I'd like to lose my last 40 pounds.  Realistically, I want to get back into shape.  I want to eat healthier, I want to feel better in my clothes, I want the scale to stop mattering as much.  Eat clean, drink water, consume less fat and refined sugar, but still enjoy the things I love occasionally.
- Go somewhere fun.  Even if it's just for a weekend.
- Someone special told me on New Years, shortly after midnight, that his wish for 2013 was that I could form a better opinion of myself.  So, yeah.  That too.


That's it for now.  I'll try to write more.  I'll try to find light even in my darkness.

Fiction is the Only Way You're Dealing

There was a diaper sitting on the top of my over-the-toilet shelf.  I saw it every single time I walked into the bathroom.  I finally threw it away, because he'll never be back here to wear it again.

There is a transformer in the glove box of my car that I discovered when I was changing out my insurance card.  I shut it quickly and will forget about it for the next six months, because he'll never ride in my car and play with it again.

While folding my socks yesterday afternoon, I came across a tiny sock.  Not mine, not Aiden's.  Out of frustration I threw it behind the couch, where it is still laying.  It has no mate, not where I live.  I will probably pick it up and throw it away the next time I vacuum.

Little pieces of them are still clinging to the little pieces left of me.  I find them in random places, cozy corners, in the songs I hear on the radio or the photos that I unexpectedly come across in my phone or iPod.  I hear about movies, and they come to mind.

Not just one, not just the other, but ALL of them. 

My heart doesn't just have one hole in it, but three.

I read and I write, and I sit alone in my room some nights and cry.  I disappear, and it still doesn't feel like enough.

I am okay, until suddenly I am not.

I am chasing down all that is good in my life.  I am surrounding myself with people who not only love me back, but don't invalidate the way I feel at any given moment.  That give as much as they get, if not more.  I have endless amounts of cuddles and forehead kisses, and people willing to sit with me so I don't have to do it alone.  

I know I'm not the broken one.  I know that I did everything I could and everything within my power to make this man love me, and it still wasn't enough.  But even though I'm not broken, and even though I'm able to force myself into moving on, into looking back fondly, because so much of it was good, and so little of it was bad; I am still the one with three gaping holes in my heart. 

It's always been so much easier for him to let go of me.

Illuminate the "NO" on the vacancy sign.

I feel as though I have been running for the last few weeks.  I feel like I haven't really had the chance to stop and breathe.  Don't get me wrong, I love being busy.  I love having something to do, somewhere to go, someone to see.  It's jut hard to do some of the writing I've wanted to do.  Especially when I have so much to say.

So I'm going to do a condensed "this is where I have been since my last post" entry.  Try to keep up.

The 3rd of March marked the one year anniversary since Aiden has seen his father.  I have written letters and emails and text messages to him that I have never sent, that I will never send.  I am not a violent person, but that man makes me want to break his face.

D and I took a weekend trip to Ft. Collins, Colorado the first of the month.  We went with no plans other than the hotel we were staying at, and the thought of sleeping in.  We bar hopped, partook in the local beer, ate at some wonderfully unique restaurants, and spent Saturday afternoon driving up into the mountains.  It was beautiful, and Ft. Collins is definitely a wonderful place. I would love to go back, do some outdoorsy stuff, climb and look at the stars.  We managed to sleep in until 8:30 our second day there.

I bought a car.  After getting back from our little trip I had taken a day off work, and finally made myself go out and look.  I found this wonderful little Mazda Protege 5.  It's cherry red, and totally me.  It's a 5 speed, and so much fun to drive.  I have already promised Aiden that it will be his in 8 years if it's still running.

Aiden took two weeks of diving (yes, like swimming) lessons.  He worked more on his approach and form than anything, but I have decided that this summer we are going to spend less time on the outdoor sports, and we're going to concentrate on his swimming.  He's not the most graceful thing outside of the water, but he is a fish when he's in it.  There is so much potential there, not to mention he loves it.

My sister came into town with her fiance J.  We all went out for St. Patrick's Day.  Tancy, Mike and I made T-shirts that said "Happy St. Patrick Swayze Day"  with a picture of Patrick Swayze on the front. Hilarity.  We all drank too much, but had so much fun.  The day after is always a rough one, but after a big breakfast with my family and some water, I was all good.

Things are good.  Things are REALLY good.  Other than the pimple on my chin, and the fact that the weight loss has been slower this month than I'd like, I am really enjoying my life.  If I can manage to lose two more pounds before the end of the month, expect some before and after photos of yours truly. :)

Sometimes you lose things, then you get them back.

My relationships over the years have been a series of "If you love it, let it go..." moments.  I have let them go, and none of them have ever come back.  Until now.

D and I started talking again on Christmas day.  It was a freak occurrence in which I messaged him a snarky reply to something he had posted on facebook, and he messaged me right back.  We ended up talking this way into the wee hours of the morning, even though he had to work early the next day.

Sometimes, you need to take a step back from a situation to see the good in it.  Sometimes, you have to walk away in order to understand the issues that were there.  Sometimes, you have to open your mouth and say exactly what it is you're thinking and feeling, regardless of who it might hurt or how it might make you look to other people.

We both made mistakes.  Nothing that was done was unforgivable.  I think the time apart may have been the best thing that could ever have happened to us at that point in time.  I was able to find myself, better myself, learn to love myself.  I am walking into whatever this may become with open eyes.

Sometimes, I can feel the universe shift a little, realign its course, set something into motion.

I never thought being able to kiss him again would be an option.  It makes my day to hear from him first thing in the morning.  It makes me smile to remember all of the good that was there, is still there, while being able to alter some of that bad crap into something more, better.


So I guess what I'm trying to say here is; I can't wait to see what this next chapter may bring.  I am excited for the endless possibilities, and for having a man back in my life who meant so much to me.


Sometimes, the things you stop chasing, end up finding you.

This one's to you and me, living out our dreams

Mother.  Daughter.  Sister.  Friend.  Writer. Cook.  Artist.  Hanson fan.

All of these titles I am comfortable with and within.  I have spent a large chunk of my life altering all of these categories and people who fit into them, in order to make my life make sense.

I am a mother to a wonderful little boy who I cannot imagine a day without, even on the days when he's driving me crazy.  I am a daughter to the two most amazing people on this planet.  They are the type of people who others aspire to be like, and I am honored to be their daughter, even on the days when I sense their disappointment.  I am a sister to my best friend.  She is another amazing person who inspires people.  Being a sister was something I wasn't really good at until I was older.  I am a very fierce friend.  My friends are my family, and that is why I choose to surround myself with these people.  I have had some very toxic friendships in the past, and this is the one part of my life that I have been able to shape and to mold, and along the way I have met and loved some amazing and unique people.  There is no rhyme or reason to my group of friends, other than they are all good people.  Wonderful people.

There is one title that I've never been able to grow accustomed to, or know where my place in it belongs.  Girlfriend.  I over think things, and I'm a worrier.  I've fallen in love with and lost too many times for my fragile little heart, and through all of that I've learned something about other people, but more important, I've managed to learn a lot about myself.  I now know the things I will not tolerate in a relationship, and the little pieces that seem to fit best with mine.

D will tell me to stop freaking out.  It is sometimes just what I need to hear.  To give me the reality check that I don't need to fix things that aren't broken, and I don't need to find something broken, because there sometimes isn't anything to find.  More times than not in the past few weeks I have had to shake my head at myself, tell myself to "stop it" and go about my life.

I am shell-shocked when it comes to love.

D is one of the most amazing men I've met in my life.  (and I know he'll be reading this, too.  *waves*)  He is easy to talk to, and he makes me happy.  It really is as simple as that.  Or to me it is.

So one of my goals for this month was "be comfortable in the silences".  I am working on it.  I fall asleep in strong arms, even breathing, light kisses, and I am full of the silence.

And it is beautiful.

So in becoming one with the silences, I have also been able to fall into the roll as Girlfriend.  It's not always easy for me, letting someone else drive the reigns some of the time, but it is fulfilling.  It makes me happy.  It makes me happy to make him happy.

We have been melding our little families together, and for the most part, we are functioning.  Four boys and me.  Dirt and water and smiles and screams of pure joy.  BBQ grilling and movie watching and bike riding.  Sweating and kissing and being.

Hello life.  Hello happiness.  Where the hell have you been?

Have I found you, flightless bird?

I talked a couple of weeks ago about how hard dating is.  What I failed to understand at the time was that when someone truly special comes around, it's not.  It comes easily, like breathing.

I don't know what either of us had in mind when we started talking over six months ago, but I don't think it was ever initially thought to be anything more than an internet friendship, getting to know each other, and enjoying the other enough to continue with conversations over the weeks and months.

He was patient with me while my heart healed, I extended the same.  It wasn't until we started text messaging each other more frequently, seeking each other out through space on purpose rather than simply stumbling into each other.  The first night when he actually called me rather than shooting me a text, and I knew this could actually become something more.  We talked for over an hour.

He has allowed me to find myself and my happiness within by simply being there.  A shoulder to lean on, a sounding board to bounce ideas off of, someone to laugh with.  He GETS me in a way that not a lot of other people can, or have ever made the effort to.

He gives me goosebumps just from the simple act of tucking my hair behind my ear.  His gentleness endearing.   He'll stand behind me in the kitchen, kissing the base of my neck as I am cutting up chicken, or pouring myself a drink.  When I look into his eyes, I see myself as he sees me, and it's something new and fresh.  It makes me feel alive.

He is well traveled, has been places and done things.  He has loved intensely and lost, which doesn't seem like something to celebrate, but there are so many people in this world who haven't.  He is easy to talk to, quick to laugh, and above all else completely and utterly real.  This is how I see him, and how I want him to know I see him.

Living an hour apart so far isn't easy, but it's a lot easier than I thought it would be.  We both have busy lives and schedules and jobs, both of us single parents.

But I know that he's thinking of me when he wakes up in the morning, and for right now, that's really all I need.