November Goals 2011

We're going to pretend that I never made any September goals (even though I managed to keep the majority of them, the rug was sort of pulled out from under me at the end of the month, and the desire to document ANYTHING kind out went out the window with it), and that the month of October did not exist.

In doing this we're going to skip over what I'm referring to as my "dark time" (read: my hair, specifically) and move on to November, which will be bigger and better and much more entertaining.

- go to the gym 15 times.  (made it there 15 in October... this CAN be done)

- lose 5 lbs.  (I'm optimistic that it will actually be more, but 5 is a good place to start.)

- cook at least TWO new meals, and document.

- do the 30 day shred, or any other Jillian the Devil video twice a week.

- start the process of letting go of the things in my life that are bringing me down.

- tell myself ONE good thing about myself every day.

- love unconditionally and endlessly from the tips of my fingers all the way to my heart.  Just because people don't love me, doesn't mean I can't love them, and it doesn't mean that other people can't love me.

- "accept what people have to offer, drink their milkshakes, take their love."

- read two books from start to finish.

- finish one piece of art that has been started and set aside for an indeterminate amount of time.

- drink more red wine.

- take myself to a movie, any movie.  eat a bag of popcorn with butter, drink a soda, and enjoy my own company for a few hours.

- start to forgive.  everything.  everyone. especially myself.

The Wedding Slim Down

My sister is getting married this next September.  She and I have both decided that there needs to be some changes before this can happen.  It's hard to have a workout/diet partner that is 6+ hours away from you, but we're going to give it a try.

I'm sending this out into the universe as a way to hold myself accountable.  We have a food and exercise schedule.  We are going to take it one week at a time.  7 days.  And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited.

So, here's my shout out, to all of you, for some good, lowfat, filling recipes.  Anything rice or bean related is a plus.  Soup recipes.  Send them my way!

Friends on Fridays (giving something new a try)

In my desire to start loving myself (even if it's just a little bit), I have decided to start doing something on Fridays in which I give back a little bit of the love that I get.  I want the people in my life to know how much I care about them, how thankful I am that they are in my life, and the debts I owe to all of them are endless.  I have so many friends that I consider to be my family that I know this will take me a long time to get through everyone, but I think it'll be worth it.

It wasn't hard try to figure out who I was going to start with.  Over the last thirteen years, this woman has been a shoulder for me to cry on.  We finally met face to face 8 years ago, and though I don't see her nearly enough, she is there for me in ways that most people who are HERE are not.  She understands me without judging, she loves me without asking for anything in return.  She has been my rock through my last two break-ups.  The person on the other end of the phone when I am a blubbering mess and crying so hard that I can't even get the words out.

She is fierce and fabulous, beautiful and genuine.  The most real person I know.  She would give a stranger her coat, defend a friend for no other reason than they are her friend, and she can make even the most traumatic of situations bearable.  She has made me laugh when I am crying. 

She is Clare.

Clare and I met online, back in the late summer of 1998.  We shared a love of Hanson, and of writing and creating websites to feature our writings and photos and boring high school lives.  We met for the first time in 2003 when I was about 6 months pregnant.  We bought her a scalped ticket for the Hanson show, ate a pizza that was bigger than both of our heads combined, and she protected me and my ever growing belly in a sea of women trying to get on stage.  She grabbed Taylor's pinkie finger and held on for dear life.

I talked with her on the basement stairs at D's house when things were good with us.  I whispered quietly to her about how much I loved him.  She was the first person to call me when I sent out the S.O.S. the night we broke up.  She stayed on the other end of the phone with me, even when I was so immersed in tears that I couldn't breathe.  She reminded me of the words my mother had told her when she was heart broken.  "Don't accept anything less than a man who absolutely adores you."

She was the first person to come to mind when I decided to write this, because she was also someone who was unrelentingly there last night when I realized that D was actively seeking another relationship, not even a month after the break-up.  I felt worthless, and like I never mattered to him.  Ever.

"You're so mean to my friend Sadie."  She said to me. "Learn to love her recklessly, with no excuses.  Life is too short.  You're the fucking best."

So here I am, trying.  Trying to learn to love me, regardless of my faults.  Thanking the one person who has believed in me even when I've been endlessly stupid. 

Thank you, Clare.  For loving me, for being there for me, and for telling me what I NEED to hear, not what I WANT to hear.

I love you!

Two Trees (old poetry)

Two Trees
She was a sun kissed child of the 80’s
I was her best friend; we swore ‘til the end.

We were two girls, she and I
She was the only person who made me feel
Good about myself, made me feel alive.

We nailed up two hammocks, one right on top
Of the other, swinging between two trees.

The forth of July we threw fireworks
Into her hollow tree in the front lawn;
Watched it smoke until the fire inside, died.

I drove by her house the other evening
Those two trees were just piles of cut up wood.

We used to lay and sip our lemonade
While scrawny legs hug off itchy hammocks.

I never meant to let it get away from me.

I have written this blog about a hundred times in my head over the last two weeks.  In some instances, it is the sad, weeping "OMG I can't live without you."  Sometimes it is the pissed off "I HATE YOU!" blog entry.  Occasionally, I find myself being extremely mature and simply channelling Adele and saying "I wish nothing but the best for you."  In all actuality, I am feeling a little bit of all of those combined at any given time.

D and I broke things off two weeks ago yesterday.  I guess I should be honest and say that he broke things off.  In the last two weeks I have cried a lot, slept even less, and there were a couple of nights when I walked around my apartment, not knowing what to do, and feeling completely lost.  My apartment became my sanctuary.  It was just as messy as my brain was, and none of my pieces seemed to fit.  In the last two weeks I have taken a good long look at myself, and realized that even if I wasn't right for him, or any of the men I have thought I was right for in the past, that I am a good person, and I am right for SOMEONE.  It also made me take a step back and realize what I am looking for, more than anything else right now.

Companionship.  I want someone to hang out with.  Don't get me wrong, hanging out with Aiden every night during the week up until 7:30 is fun, and the biggest joy of my life, but I stay up way later than 7:30 most days.  There are hours up hours that are taken up by nothing.  I don't need a lover, even though a lover would be a bonus.  What I want is a best friend.  Even my best of friends have fallen by the side on this.  T goes out of town every weekend to visit her boyfriend, and even when he comes here, he doesn't like me so I don't get to see her then, either.  M works nights, and is busy with school.  My sister lives six hours away.  I want someone to cook dinner with, watch TV with, laugh and cry and tell jokes with.

I was never anyone but myself with D, flaws and all.  But once again, I'm told "it's not you, it's me."  How can you change something if you're not made aware of what there is to fix?

Losing him as my counterpart is only made more difficult by the fact that I fell deeply in love with his children.  I had picked out Christmas presents, and birthday presents.  I had made plans.  Aiden would tell me how he thought of them as his little brothers.  He would bring home writing assignments from school that were written about them.

The last night we spent together, I knew something was off.  Something didn't feel right, but I didn't want to be the overly paranoid girlfriend and say anything about it.  Unknown to him, until now, but I cried myself to sleep that night.  I listened to him get ready for work the next morning, pretending to be asleep.  I rolled over and kissed him goodbye when he was leaving, and I knew something had changed.  Even now, I don't even know what that something was.  I was suddenly not enough.

Someone never saying "I love you" to you is one thing.  To have them say "I don't love you." is so much more heartbreaking than never hearing the words could ever be. 

So here I am, sad and mad and frustrated and coping.  My last three relationships have ended, suddenly, and without my consent.  When did things in any relationships stop being about compromise?  That's what you do when you're with someone, you talk to them, you bounce ideas off of them, you tell them where they stand.  This is something that is endlessly confusing to me, especially because in each of these cases, everything was good until suddenly it wasn't.

I am going about my days.  I am self-medicating with exercise and red beers.  I am trying to read books I've wanted to read, and I am no longer living out of a suit case.  I have since cleaned my apartment and I'm no longer living in a pile of clean or dirty clothes.  The bills are paid, the bellies are full, and we are going to be okay.

I miss my friend, desperately.  I miss sitting on my balcony texting him long before I had ever heard his voice.  I miss telling him stories and having him tell me stories.  I miss him telling me that he thinks I'm beautiful, even though I never believed him.  I hate feeling like I've just become another notch on his headboard, another number he can talk about while drinking with his friends, or when he meets someone new.

I hate that I put so much into this, and now it feels like my relationship had been reduced to a shoebox full of little things. 

Was I ever anything more than that?