October 2022 Goals: UPDATES

 

October 2022 Goals

• - Lose 5 pounds. This is less than a pound a week.
• - Do new measurements.
• - New progress photos.
• - Go to the gym at least 10 times. (This is just over twice a week... minimum of 30 minutes)
• - Beachbody workouts 5x a week.
• - Take 30 minutes a day to just sit and be.  Read, write, meditate.  30 minutes a day for me.
• - Finish 1 new book.
• - Sort through clothes.  Donate, sell, trash.
• - Learn to love the silence, sometimes.
• - Practice patience, and don't let the emotions of others dictate my own responses.
• - Plan: meals, days, cleaning, etc.  You feel better when you plan.  SO JUST DO IT!

It has been quite a while since I have written here. Nearly two years. So much in my life has changed and altered since my last entry.

I have changed. We all have.

For the first time in my life, I am happy with where my life is at, though I still battle every day with being happy with where *I* am at. I feel as though no matter how hard I try; I cannot make improvements in the physical sense. I still cling to old methods to cope, which have NEVER served me, and I know in my heart and my head WILL never serve me.

I want to try and pick up this blogging thing again. I still struggle with putting myself out there in a way that feels genuine and less edited. I still fear the repercussions of me speaking my truths with the world and being punished for it.

The ten-year anniversary of my trauma is just around the corner, and every day I struggle with it. Every year is better than the next, but every year also serves to remind me that I am never going to be completely healed. I also feel guilty, constantly, for feeling that way as it feels like such a small thing compared to traumas other people have faced and struggle with and overcome.

I am at peace, though. I am in love, and my cup runs over the majority of the time. I want to help other people better themselves in their own lives. I have so many grand plans, but not sure really where to start. I will get there, but just like everything else, that's going to take some practice.

- I have missed you :)

Love, Sadie

January 2020 Goals

January 2020 Goals
- Lose 2 pounds.
- Do new measurements.
- New progress photos.
- Go to the gym at least 20 times.
- Weight training - twice a week.
- Take 30 minutes a day to just sit and be.  Read, write, meditate.  30 minutes a day for me.
- Say "I love you" more often, and mean it.
- Finish 1 new book.
- Sort through clothes.  Donate, sell, trash.
- Learn to love the silence, sometimes.
- Get a pedicure.
- Have the most excellent, kick-ass time in Jamaica.  Try not to poop myself during meet & greets.

2019 Goals recap, 2020 Goals - welcome to a new decade

2019 GOALS:

-lose:

• 50 lbs.  I am keeping this relatively low, but also not going to short change myself.  With the changes I have made recently, I don't think this is too hard of a number to shoot for at less than a pound a week.
• WIN!  In total I lost 78.8 lbs.  This comes out to over a third of my body weight.  In truth, I lost all of this in about 11 months, as I haven't lost anything in over a month now.  I haven't shared numbers up until this point.  In January 2019, I weighed in at 233 lbs.  As of my lowest weight, I currently weigh 154.2 lbs.
• negative self-talk
• This is always a double edged sword.  I feel as though there are certain days that I do better at this than others.  I feel as though this last year there was definitely less negative self-talk than in previous years.
• toxic people
• Mixed.  I did manage to cut one very toxic person out of my life, though he still tries from time to time to regain contact.  Unfortunately, I added in another that I am trying to break free of.
• excuses
• WIN.  I never bit off more than I could chew.  I made goals and most of them I stuck to.  Moving forward...

-gain:

• strength
• WIN!  But different than I had envisioned.  I didn't do strength training like I wanted to, but in slimming down, I gained muscle I never knew existed.
• flexibility
• WIN!  see above.  Not in the way that was planned, but gained all the more.
• endurance
• WIN!  I can now run a 9 minute mile.  I can run for longer periods of time.  I have a difficult time getting my heart rate over 150.
• confidence in myself
• WIN!  Through the roof.

- read 24 books, start to finish.

• FAIL!  I read a total of 9 start to finish.  I started probably 10 that I never finished.  Other activities, and lack of concentration were my barriers here.

-continue to make better food choices.  (I've been seriously considering giving Keto a try, but I need guidance... anyone around to help me?)

• Keto has been hands down the best thing that has ever happened to me health-wise.  I want to continue with it until I hit my goal weight (140 lbs), and then I'd like to move to a more low-card, paleo diet.  I'd love to be able to start eating fruit again on the regular.

-laugh, loudly, and so hard that I snort... on a regular basis.

• Definitely need more of this in my life.  I feel as though a lot has slipped through my fingers this last year, as I have been so internally focused that a lot of other things fell to the ground.  I've managed to stay in decent touch with some friends, but have completely lost contact with others.  I need more laughter in my life.

-remind the people I love how much they mean to me, and regularly.

• Tentative WIN!  We can always do better with this, but I think I did more than previously.

-continue to get a handle on my finances and start saving, even if it's small, it's something.

• WIN!? My savings account currently has $154.08 in it.  Which is more than it had last year... It's not what I wanted, but it's something.

2019 was a year of change.  Physically, mentally, emotionally.  I gained more self-esteem than I ever knew existed.  I put myself out there in ways I haven't for close to a decade.  I fell in love with myself, and my body.  I love the way it moves and the things it is capable of.  I know appearance isn't everything.  I know that my body is simply the shell that I inhabit, but it helps when your shell is carved and molded in the way you picture it.  Or at least is in the process of getting there.

I told myself that I had no plans to date this year.  And I didn't plan to.  Some things just fell out of thin air, and I let them happen.  I reconnected with an old friend, who over the last six months has reshaped my world.  It's simple and uncomplicated, and right now I think that's exactly what the two of us need.  I also met and have dealt with new friends, old friends, old acquaintances, and have had mixed feelings and signals from all of them.  I need to learn when to walk away.  I need to learn to listen to people when they tell me who they are.  

An old friend once described me as a "forever person".  My best friend, Linda, on New Years
Eve described me as someone who is all in, always.  She is correct.  I am my mother's child.  I want to feed you, and care for you, and make sure you're comfortable when in my presence.  If I care for you, I will drop nearly anything and everything to be there for you.  I rarely expect it in return.  I rarely get it in return.  I NEED to stop making people priorities who treat me as if I'm optional.  So... I guess here we go, what I want for 2020.

2020 GOALS:

-lose:

• 20 lbs.  This is less than 2 lbs a month.  Totally realistic.
• toxic people - this includes new people who may come into my life with red flags blazing.  Let them go.  
• clutter - first and foremost old clothes that no longer fit.  You will never wear them again, donate, throw away, get rid of the shit you do not need.  You will feel better when you do.
• excuses
• the desire to "fix" people.  I am only responsible for myself and my choices.  If someone is broken, it is not up to me to repair them.  Be there if they ask, but don't shoulder all of the blame when and if they are unwilling or unable to be the person you see them as.
• The thought that everything has to be "perfect" in order to be happy.

-gain:

• strength - in all aspects.  Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  
• flexibility - in all aspects. See above.
• respect for myself.  Know my limits, set boundaries and stick to them.  This does not make you a bitch.  This means you are strong and not willing to let people walk all over you.
• confidence in myself - in all aspects.

- read 12 books.  I'm setting the number low this year, as this will allow me time for other activities, and feeling less pressure.

- Go do something fun once a month.  Movies, pedicure, out to the bar to play pool or darts with friends.  Do something for me.

- decrease needless spending, and SAVE.  Things do not buy happiness.

- LESS SOCIAL MEDIA - consider a month or more blackout of FB.

- Less reliance on text messaging.  Try to have actual phone conversations more.  Don't live my life moment to moment waiting for someone to reply to me.

- Try to find one new recipe a week to make for dinner.

- laugh.  Hard.  Like no one is watching.

- love. Hard. Like no one is watching.  From my fingertips to my toes.
- express gratitude.
- more sun, more water... more life.

I will try to get January 2020 goals up sometime today or tomorrow.  I can't believe we're already on day 2 and I am just now getting to this.

<3 Sadie

September/October 2019 recap - November 2019 Goals

I didn't recap my goals for September, or set goals for October this last month.  This was more out of laziness and lack of time than anything else.  My weight loss has slowed, though has not stopped, and it's difficult for me not to have the same successes that I had been having (and wrapping my brain around that, even though I know it makes sense), so I decided to take a step back.  I still managed to lose over 11 lbs in those two months. 

In October, I went to the gym 35 times.  I haven't been reading like I would like to, but I have made progress on some of my non-scale goals.  My closet has been cleaned out and organized.  I actually FOUND a pair of shoes I had forgotten about, brand new Fila sneakers, so that was a nice surprise.

I FINALLY got up the courage to block my narcissistic ex on all forms of social media, and his phone number.  After threatening to "turn me in" (for what, I have no idea) to my work, I let him know that there are some lines you absolutely cannot cross, and that was one of them. (Let my ED know that this threat had been made, and she told me to give him her name so he could ask for her directly, lol) It's been extremely freeing not worrying about him blowing up my phone at odd hours, or continually having to decline phone calls.  There is some crazy that nothing in this world is able to fix.

I am in a good place.  I have some amazing people in my life.  I am really very, very lucky.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I need to remember that more often.


November 2019 Goals
- Maintain weight.  If a loss happens, great.
- Do new measurements.
- New progress photos.
- Go to the gym at least 20 times.
- Christmas shopping - get the majority of it completed.
- Say "I love you" more often, and mean it.
- Finish 1 new book.
- Learn to love the silence, sometimes.
- Get a pedicure.
- Do ONE thing that scares me.

August 2019 Goals Recap - September 2019 Goals

I started the month of July on a boat, and I ended August on that same boat, in the middle of a lake, watching all of the stars above us.  I feel as though this entire summer, like most, went far too quickly.  I feel like I am a different person emerging on this end of the season.  I am enjoying my life, and those people around me.  For the first time in a very long time I am beginning to feel as though I belong where I am, in this moment.  And that's a good feeling.

I feel the changes in my body, even if I don't always see them.  I feel them in my face, in my collarbones, in my hands and feet, in my shoulders.  My wrists have shrunk.  A good friend referred to me as "dainty" the other day, which made me laugh, because for anyone who has ever known me, dainty is not something I exude. 

Sometimes I feel like I need to hurry up and get somewhere and do something and be someone.  (DO.GO.BE)  What I really need to do is take a deep breath, slow down, and enjoy the journey.  Things were not meant to be instant.  It's a step by step process, and I wish I could accept that easier.  I want everything and I want it now.  So essentially, what I'd like for Christmas this year is patience. 

AUGUST 2019 GOALS RECAP

Lose 4 lbs.  Be okay with losing 4 lbs.

- WIN! I lost 9.6 lbs.  In the last two months, I have lost 20 lbs!

Go to the gym 20 times.

- WIN! I went 31 times.  Several of those were double duty days.  I never missed a weekday.

Less cardio, more thoughts on strength.

- FAIL!  Why is this one so hard for me?

Finish 2 books.

- WIN! I finished The Outsider, All the Ugly and Wonderful Things, and Our Homesick Songs.  I am about 1/4 through The Silent Corner.

If you can't change it, let it go.

- Pending.  Every day I'm working on it.  I'm working on my reaction to things, as this is really the only thing I am able to control.

Finish closet organizing.

- FAIL!  Yeah, this and strength training.  Can't bring myself to do it!

Take progress photos.

- WIN!  I have taken several at the end of last month, and throughout this month.  I'm starting to look frumpy again with my pants not fitting correctly.

Stop kicking myself for the things I cannot control.

- See above with change.  I am doing better with taking deep breaths and letting certain things roll off.

If it's meant to be, it will be.  Let it be.

- Preach, sista.

SEPTEMBER 2019 GOALS

- Lose 4 lbs.  Be okay with losing 4 lbs.

- Go to the gym 20 times.

- Weights at least 6 times at the gym.

- Finish two books.

- Find and make 1 new recipe per week.

- Dance my ass off at the Kansas State Fair.

- Hug more.  Love more.  Show it more.

- Organize closet, start sorting through guest room.

- Accept what people have to offer.  Drink their milkshakes.  Take their love.

July 2019 Goals Recap - August 2019 Goals

July has taken my breath away.  

I began the month on a boat, in the middle of a lake, watching fireworks with a man who had his arm draped casually around my back, his hand on my hip.  I cultivated new relationships, rekindled old friendships, and stepped outside of my comfort zone in a way that I haven't for a long time.  

I allowed myself to melt a little.  I allowed the vulnerability to come to the surface.  Something I thought J had taken away, and made me cold.  I remembered that I am not cold.

I am told at least daily how much I've changed physically.  Sometimes by people I know, sometimes by near strangers.  While hearing it encourages me to continue doing what I have been doing, it also makes me more attune to the "invisible fat girl" that I was.

JULY 2019 GOALS RECAP

Lose 4 lbs.  Be okay with losing 4 lbs.
- This one is a HUGE WIN!  I lost 11.6 lbs.

Go to the gym 20 times
- WIN! I went 29 times.  Several of those I went twice in one day.

Take new measurements.
- WIN!  I actually took them this afternoon.  The last ones I took were the end of March, shortly after starting the keto diet.  Since then I am down 3 inches in my neck, 6 inches in my bust, 4.5 inches in my waist, and 4 inches in my hips.  No wonder my clothes don't fit.

Finish two books.
- WIN!  I finished The Good Girl, and just this morning finished The Outsider.

Buy new workout shoes.
- FAIL!  Any and all not necessary expenses have been suspended for the time being.  I will make my old shoes work for now.

Make a dentist appointment.
- FAIL!  See above.  Not necessary at this point in time.

1 week vegetarian keto
- FAIL!  Keto is hard.  Trying to get my fat and protein without meat was too hard and was causing undue stress.  I gave up two days in.

Organize my closet

- FAIL!  I am making progress, though.  Currently, half of my closet is draped and folded on my couch, so that's something, right?

Stretch nightly.

- WIN! Maybe not nightly, but definitely daily.

AUGUST 2019 GOALS

- Lose 4 lbs. Be okay with losing 4 lbs.

- Go to the gym 20 times.

- Less cardio, more thoughts on strength.

- Finish two books.

- If you can't change it, let it go.

- Finish closet organizing.

- Take progress photos

- Stop kicking myself for things I cannot control

- If it's meant to be, it will be.  Let it be.

June 2019 Goals Recap - July 2019 Goals

JUNE 2019 GOALS RECAP

Lose 5 lbs
- FAIL! Stepping on the scale today and I have only lost 3.

Continue doing keto
- WIN! I didn't make as many new things as I would have liked to, but I did eat a lot of different things, especially while on vacation.  I did NOT do one week meat free, though.

Go to the gym at least 20 times
- FAIL.  I went 18 times.  I made my step goal every day while on vacation, and I even went to the gym twice while in Florida.  I have a hard time making myself go on the weekends, though.  Maybe will make it next month.

Start and finish 2 books
- WIN!  I FINALLY finished A Game of Thrones.  I read The Woods, Daisy Jones and the Six, and I am about halfway through The Good Girl.

Apply lotion on a daily basis
- Surprisingly enough, this one is a WIN!  I've gotten into the habit directly after my shower, and it really helps keep my tan from getting ashy.

Begin weights
- Yet again, major FAIL on this one.

More laughter, less anger and sadness
- I have been having a difficult time in regulating some of my moods recently.  I think a lot of it has to do with my drastic change in weight over the last several months, and stress.  Stress absolutely kills my mental health.  I am reading and learning more about my diagnoses every day, and it helps to know that I am not alone in my struggles.  Maybe not more laughter, and not less anger, but this month was definitely less sad.

Do NOT get a sunburn in Florida

- There were a couple of days that I was a bit toasty, but I wouldn't say I got burned, as it never hurt.  It was also very warm, and I pink up in the heat.  So, WIN!

Remain silent when needed

- WIN! A month and a half no-contact, and every day hurts a little bit less.

I'm gonna be honest, this last month was a tough one.  It's tough for me to step on the scale and have there be little to no movement.  It's tough for me to go on vacation and say no to all of the delicious food that I would have previously eaten, and then get home and I haven't lost anything.  It's hard to not have clothes that fit, and not really be able to afford to go out and buy ones that do, so I just make what I have work.  It's hard when you miss someone, but you know missing them is better than the shit they put you through time and time again.  I am working on it.  I am working on seeing myself as others see me.  I am working at looking at myself through a lense that isn't completely distorted from years and years of self loathing.  I am trying.

JULY 2019 GOALS

- Lose 4 lbs. Be okay with losing 4 lbs.

- Go to the gym 20 times.

- Take new measurements.

- Finish two books.

- Buy new workout shoes.

- Make a dentist appointment.

- 1 week vegetarian keto.

- Organize my closet.

- Stretch nightly.